Do your family 'approve' of your partner?

AubreyMac

balletshoes wrote: »

just dating? unless they were a druggie or a gangster etc I really hope I won't be that judgemental over my DD's dates - and I certainly wouldn't voice my opinion to her, because theres nothing more alluring than a forbidden/frowned upon love is there?

I don't have relatives who would tell me if they were disapproving of anyone I was dating (or anyone I married to be honest - I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions). I wouldn't volunteer my opinion to my siblings either if I disapproved for whatever reason, because they are all adults and quite frankly its none of my business.

Not just dating, but this thread is about disapproving of partners.

I think, whether consciously or not, we are judgemental. It's normal when someone has a new partner to ask questions about what they do, what race they are etc. Why are those questions asked if you're not prepared to judge someone over the answer?

If my child was dating someone I disapproved of I'd try my hardest to not say anything as you'd just push them together more. Just let it run it's course.

I told a friend what I thought of her boyfriend once and was accused of being jealous and meddling. He did eventually do what I suspected he would - con her.

hazyjo

My mum doesn't say much, but I know she doesn't approve. My BF's not working either, but it's suiting us and I'm not sure I even want him working.

We all had a family Chinese the other night and I'd said I was happy to have it at mine, and she said something like 'don't worry, we'll go to your sister's as you never really leave the house'.

And that is from someone who used to criticise me for always being out. I'd often get sarky comments like 'you're never in!'.

The bloke she paired me up with (6 year relationship) left me for another woman three months after our wedding. What you see on the surface isn't usually what's on the inside.

You really can't win with family...

Jx

marisco_2

sterl1ng wrote: »

Seriously though I do feel quite down about her comments, its kind of knocked me for six.

Why place so much importance on another's opinion? Especially so when that individual, doesn't even value the message they are trying to get across enough, to make the effort to express themselves calmly and rationally. OP get comfortable with not caring what other people think of the life choices you make. Bottom line is that to think you need others approval, forces you to miss out on simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas and wants. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then you will never be content.

Mojisola

AubreyMac wrote: »

It's normal when someone has a new partner to ask questions about what they do, what race they are etc.

Is this normal? It would never occur to me to ask about race.

Buzzybee90

Mojisola wrote: »

Is this normal? It would never occur to me to ask about race.

It's never really occurred to me to ask because I live in such a mono ethnic community though if you're from a more multicultural area then it would be a point of interest I guess. Depends who is asking, presumably the question would be "what does he/she look like?" Not racially specific.

But to answer the question, no they like him very much. I don't think I'd be able to be in a relationship with someone who didn't get on with my family.

tillyenna

You might find it works to your advantage one day - my family didn't like my previous boyfriend much (despite the fact he's a really lovely guy, they were just really judgy judgy) so when they met the next one (now my fiance) they liked him just because he wasn't my ex!

So, my advice is: if you think you've found "The One" bring someone TRULY TERRIBLE home to meet the family, then bring home your wonderful partner ;-)

his_missus

sterl1ng wrote: »

Problem is my sister can be bit shallow too. She's very into 'nice luxury things', the current guy she's seeing is a banker and takes her to lovely resturants and hotels whereas I'm the opposite and would to treat myself and those I love. She lives at home too with my folks and hasn't really had real taste of living outside financially looking after herself, whereas I left early 20s for independence and work so have that mindset of depending financially on myself.

When OH does get work its likely I'll be on higher salary given the industry I'm in and we already agreed that when we got married eventually and started to have kids its likely he would be SAHD....which I have no problem with but I know my family will not be happy bunnies. There is of course childcare but with cost of that (though we'd have to cross compare when it happends) it would probably make more sense we looks after kids.

Seriously though I do feel quite down about her comments, its kind of knocked me for six.

It sounds like maybe your sister wants for you what she has for herself - a specific lifestyle where she's spoiled, treated like a "princess", maybe she has very old-fashioned views.

Try not to take her comments to heart. Next time she makes a remark just tell her that he makes you happy, doesn't mistreat you (I hope), isn't out getting drunk every night, isn't sat on his bum all day (as he's a volunteer), is a kind person etc. and MAKES YOU HAPPY! which is what is important.

Hopefully, one day sister will come around to him. xx

itsanne

Mojisola wrote: »

Is this normal? It would never occur to me to ask about race.

I don't think it's normal either. I can't imagine asking that, or being bothered by the answer if it came up.

NatMast_2

My parents as a rule have disliked all but one of my ex's. Then again, I don't always have the best taste! My most recent ex was harmless enough but he was 32 but thinking he was still 18 bless him. My parents said they could tell it wasn't a long term thing!

My parents don't understand my current 'thing'. Technically it's a kind of friend with benefits type - it benefits us both currently as I don't want any further commitment (after splitting up with my ex after two years of living together) and he is off travelling for three years! So I am currently trying to avoid all possible moments of them ever meeting. They would not approve at all.

To be honest, parents are never going to truly adore someone you're with because they are likely to hear more of the bad stuff than the good. When you have an argument, do you tell your mum? Even if it's something petty? As long as everything is civil and they can LIKE someone, I don't mind what my parents think. My parents wouldn't care about sexuality, race or anything like that. Except maybe long term unemployed because they are busy ambitious people - but so am I!

My grandparents, however, are ridiculously judgemental by their old fashioned values..

tea_lover

My parents think my OH is great - I think they like him more than I do some days :rotfl:.

They weren't very keen on my ex-husband but always did their best to keep it to themselves. To be fair to them he was an utter kn0b.