Dealing with an abusive parent as an adult

BigAunty

Though not marked by any abuse, I felt ground down by the negativity, judgemental nature and nosiness of a close relative who has insulted me in the past, bad mouthed me to my sister and put the phone down on me, for example. They soured a celebration that I planned because they didn't like who I invited and didn't think I should be having that celebration - they didn't 'believe' in it.

I then had a series of life events that I had to keep secret from them, just because I knew they would say ignorant and cruel things about them. This is what sparked me to address their behaviour by addressing my relationship with them. Having to maintain confidentiality about sensitive things with them because they would use it as an opportunity to undermine me is what sparked me to make changes.

I've dealt with this by maintaining civility and contact, though to be honest I would have merrily cut them off but that just sparks off a whole new set of issues.

I have reduced contact and I learned how to shut down topics of conversation that are likely to wind me up, change the subject or ignore them.

There's a saying along the lines of 'You can only be oppressed with your consent' which I take to mean 'Don't enable the abuse'.

Put yourself first, look after your interests, find ways to make changes that make you happier.

System

sulphate wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. What a nightmare having it on both sides of the family.

Mum sent me an email last night basically making excuses for him and saying "family rifts are so painful and should be resolved quickly". Seriously?

I think your Mum is just trying to minimalize the damage. Make excuses if you like for him. Explain his behaviour. She knows she cant change him but she can change you.

RAS

sulphate wrote: »

Mum sent me an email last night basically making excuses for him and saying "family rifts are so painful and should be resolved quickly". Seriously?

Ignore the e-mail.

Limit your contact with dad and maybe arrange something with mum more frequently.

Ultimately mum needs to understand that enabling him has consequences and until she does that you are going to get nowhere with the situation.

TBagpuss

I agree with PPs.
You cannot change your Dad. You can't make him see how damaging his behaviour is, you can't make him apologise, you can't stop him from trying to manipulate him.

You can change how *you* behave. Fortunately you have your husband to support and back you up.

What I would suggest is that you reduce your contact. Decide how frequently you are willing to see him, and stick to it.

Don't make excuses. If your mum asks you about it, you can be brief but honest. "I don't enjoy seeing Dad as he is so rude and critical" BUT bear in mind that there is absolutely no obligation on you to have a relationship with him, or to accommodate your Mum if she choses to remain with him or if she is unwilling to be flexible and to maintain a relatiosnhip with you which does not include him.

One terms I have come across on a different forum (and which I think originates for counsellors etc in this field) is:
"Don't JADE" JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
You don't have to Justify to your dad (or to you Mum, if she is asking on his behalf) why you don't want to see him. You don't have to Argue about whether your decision not to see him is a valid one. You don't have to Defend your choices. You don't have to Explain why you have made the choice you have.

If you do those things, then you are giving him power as you are buying in to the idea that he gets to have a say in your decision making and to decide whether your decisions are acceptable or not.

If you intend to continue o have contact with him, albeit at a reduced level, the other thing you can do is live your boundaries. Talk to your husband ahead of time and agree on where the boundaries are, then stick to them. So, for example, if you are visiting and your dad starts to have a go, you might give him one warning "I am not going to discuss this with you" and change the subject, and if he ignores you, you leave. If he or your mum asks why, you say "I made it clear this was not something I wanted to discuss. As Dad is not prepared to respect that, we are going to go home"
No drama, just decide where the boundaries are and stick to them.

Good Luck.

tea-tart-and-rice_3

deffo the boundaries thing. Not even realising narcissim summed my father and to a degree my mother by default up perfectly until I was drawn to this thread I created my own boundaries which is pretty much no contact as I cannot bear how being in their presence makes me feel and knowing that these boundaries exist, whether you need to act on them or not is empowering. The "FOG" I have felt these last few years has been overwhelming. My biggest sadness is that there will always be unfinished business, conversations never aired, acknowledgments never made, and Im at war with myself as to how will I really feel when the time comes that they do leave this world. I cannot bear to go through the rest of my days with this unresolved. Have got a spare half hour now, going to have a look at that mumsnet thread mentioned previously.

CH27

Does anyone with narcissistic parents ever worry that they will end up the same?

SiannieLaz

OMG - this thread has been a revelation! I have always had a very difficult relationship with my dad, he's incredibly selfish, nasty and manipulative. He made our childhoods miserable. I never realised why he was like this, and as my brother has moved to Oz and my mum left him 18 years ago, he's been making my life a misery for years. Just found this link http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_know_if_your_father_is_a_narcissist and it's him all over, with the exception of the sexual abuse bit.


I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!!


Good luck to the OP, it's hard but we have to be strong and put ourselves first for once xxx

lavandergirl_2

CH27 wrote: »

Does anyone with narcissistic parents ever worry that they will end up the same?

There is a section in Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers about healing. I really have no answers but I guess "empathy" is one of the key traits that needs to be learned by children of narcissistic parents.
Most often the scapegoat child will be more aware of the need to change than the golden child.

Also, almost all of the narcissists don't recognise their problem. They often think they are right and will not not seek change.

However, the fact that their children can see through the issue, then it is a start of the journey to self awareness and healing. Life is never perfect but be the best person/parent you can be especially to the children.


I always liked the quote from Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird

"You will never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.. Until you climb into his skin and walk around it."

meritaten

lavandergirl wrote: »

There is a section in Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers about healing. I really have no answers but I guess "empathy" is one of the key traits that needs to be learned by children of narcissistic parents.
Most often the scapegoat child will be more aware of the need to change than the golden child.

Also, almost all of the narcissists don't recognise their problem. They often think they are right and will not not seek change.

However, the fact that their children can see through the issue, then it is a start of the journey to self awareness and healing. Life is never perfect but be the best person/parent you can be especially to the children.


I always liked the quote from Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird

"You will never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.. Until you climb into his skin and walk around it."[/QUOTE]


Too True!
and a Narcissist simply cannot do that. they really believe that their 'way of thinking' is the ONLY way.

tea-tart-and-rice_3

I feel sad that both my parents are at the end of their lives, 93 and 90 and both frail and both needed a lot of care. Its tough being torn between duty and self-preservation. Selfishly, these last few months I have chosen self-preservation and although it relieves me, I am troubled by the guilt. If I could just hear a single acknowledgment from my father for the pain he has caused over every one of my 50 years I would feel so happy but its not going to happen, I am starting to accept that.

As to the post questionning whether children of narcissistic parents go on to do the same thing, omg, I hope not. I have tried with every bone in my body to deal/respond as a complete contrast to my father. Sometimes I have gone ott in trying to achieve this and this has probably been wrong, but I can hand on heart say that I have tried not to let history repeat itself. God forbid! I truly don't know why my mother and father had children. its such a lonely family.