Dealing with an abusive parent as an adult

tea-tart-and-rice_3

OMG! Im going to check out this on mumsnet. I feel the FOG every single day! Thank you Lavendargirl that is a missing piece! and reading this albeit short thread I realise that my father is indeed one of those narcissistic parents. OMG! Ive got to 50 years old and just realised this. lightbulb moment here...

Better_Days

This is the thread on Mumsnet that lavandergirl kindly refers to http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

and there are a number of earlier threads on the topic. I have found it very useful to read of the experiences of others.

sulphate

Thanks for the info. I've never been on mumsnet so I'm going to read that thread with interest.

Reading info about narcissism makes it more believable.

I already feel guilty and I haven't even done anything - or not done anything. My mum called me tonight (about something unrelated) and asked if we had "fallen out with dad" (there was a big argument on tuesday when he blew up at us about absolutely nothing) and sounded upset when i said i would talk about it another time as i was in the middle of something. Obviously i'm just expected to forget about this time too.

meritaten

ang on - you had a big argument on Tuesday. so mum calls tonight on 'something unrelated', (oh really?), or to ask if you had 'fallen out with dad'?

I wonder what her reaction would have been if you had said 'Yes, I have fallen out with HIM. but not you mum'.

Something to think about?

sulphate

actually, my mistake, I called her because I needed her email address. She asked if we had "fallen out with them" and i said "no not with you" and she said "oh you mean with dad?" etc.

He's never apologised to me about anything ever, so why do I feel guilty suddenly.

Mojisola

sulphate wrote: »

actually, my mistake, I called her because I needed her email address. She asked if we had "fallen out with them" and i said "no not with you" and she said "oh you mean with dad?" etc.

He's never apologised to me about anything ever, so why do I feel guilty suddenly.

Because you've always been made to feel in the wrong since you were a very small child. It's a default position that takes a lot of effort to change.

sulphate

Thank you.

We normally see my parents every other weekend, but I think meeting up with my mum a couple of times a month and my dad... much, much less often whenever I feel like it is a good way to go. If we lived further away we wouldn't see them much anyway. the FOG analogy sounds correct. I feel serious guilt already just considering it!

Something else i should mention (i guess it makes me feel validated) is that he enjoys almost no relationship with other members of his family (even though some of them very close) including his other two children, he has no interest in them, and doesn't even remember the name of his only grandchild. His other family (siblings, their families etc) are all very close - to each other.

Sorry, i'm rambling on..

meritaten

you ramble as much as you want. I had a narcissistic MIL and am slowly realising my own mother has NPD tendencies as she is growing older. its a very hard thing to come to terms with. I saw it in MIL, but then I wasn't close to her. It is different with my mother but, she is getting worse as she is getting older - or as I put it to my daughter 'she is herself but even more HERSELF'.
I deal with it by distancing myself. I can barely stand a couple of hours in her company once a week. and I leave with a headache - I never get headaches!
it does seem to me that reasoning with them doesn't work. argueing doesn't work. appeasing them may look like it works - but it leaves you feeling like S**t anyway.
YOU cant win because they always do - in their minds. because they are right and you are wrong - ALWAYS.

yes, and I get 'guilt-tripped', if that was an Olympic sport, mum would have a gold medal. yet if I offer help it gets refused and I am told 'I will ask (your sister), she deals/will do/knows about that for me'

In NPD terms I realise I have always been the scapegoat - my sis is the 'golden child' and my bro has become the 'reviled one' since his marriage. he cant do ANYTHING right and mum hates his wife for 'taking him off her'. Nice family aren't we?

sulphate

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. What a nightmare having it on both sides of the family.

Mum sent me an email last night basically making excuses for him and saying "family rifts are so painful and should be resolved quickly". Seriously?

AliBee16

I cant offer any advice to the OP, but low contact works for me.
I would like to say thank you though to Better Days f the link to Narcissistic Mothers. I knew there was something not right about my mother, and she has every single one of the traits - very difficult to deal with, especially as she grows older and tries harder to maintain contact due to her fear of needing increasing help. Also more difficult to maintain my sense of self-worth versus my sense of duty