Dealing with an abusive parent as an adult

sulphate

In short, my dad is not a nice person, he is controlling and manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive. He had also previously been physically abusive although thankfully the ageing process has put a stop to this side of him.

I have spent my life being scared of him and trying to keep the peace, in particular keeping up the pretence that we are a normal happy family. I think I have finally had enough and want out of this toxic relationship. Essentially I want to either cut contact with him completely or reduce it down to very little. My husband feels the same way and he is very tolerant, kind and level headed.

This is complicated by the fact that my long suffering mother (who I have a good relationship with) is still married to him and will not leave him. And yes I have pleaded with her to do so, or at least seek help, she will not.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice, and if anyone else has been in a similar position it would be nice to hear some thoughts. Thanks in advance.

Mojisola

sulphate wrote: »

This is complicated by the fact that my long suffering mother (who I have a good relationship with) is still married to him and will not leave him. And yes I have pleaded with her to do so, or at least seek help, she will not.

She's an adult and that is her choice.

Make arrangements so that you can meet up with her on neutral ground but you shouldn't let her bad life choices force you to stay in contact with your father.

savingmummy

You need to set boundaries when his going past your comfort zone you make it stop. and if he continues then give consequences to him.
(Just like people do in parenting with their children!).

Your mum knows what his like more then anyone, you need to take mum out for coffee or for a walk and tell her you are no longer going to put up with him being like he is.
BUT ensure her your contact with her will continue.


My DH has a narcissistic father AND unfortunately a narcissistic step mum to boot!!
We have lived 18yrs with their nonsense BUT up until a year ago we set boundaries and consequences and lifes a lot easier.
We have even gone through the whole child games with them
`I am not going to answer you while your speaking to us like that! If your not going to listen then I`m afraid we wont be calling again`.
Its like having a naughty toddler at times!!

Google narcissistic parents - sounds like your father could well be one or have the same traits!

sulphate

Thanks for replies. I'm not sure if narcissism is the right word. It's just unreasonable, no explanation for his irrational behaviour. He isn't interested in anyone but himself, totally selfish.

Better_Days

Sorry to hear you and your Mum have had to deal with this.

Narcissists are very self centred. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/how-to-recognize-a-narcissist-diagnosing-narcissism.html and http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissism-definition.html They can also fly into rages if they perceive they are being disagreed with.http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-rage.html

You may find reading around on narcissism useful - even if this is not the case for your Dad, the info available can give you some pointers on ways that others have found helpful in dealing with abusive parents.

As other posters have mentioned it is very important to set boundaries. You may find this link helpful. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist.html
As with the other links it is from a site about narcissistic mothers, but much applies to fathers too.

The best way to deal with my narcissistic mother is something I have struggled with for years. One thing I have learnt is that every contact leaves me angry as she is either manipulating or being plain nasty. She will never change. It is empowering, although not always easy, to set boundaries, or deciding to go 'no contact'. I hope that you find a balance that you, your husband and your Mum are happy with.

CH27

Mojisola wrote: »

She's an adult and that is her choice.

Make arrangements so that you can meet up with her on neutral ground but you shouldn't let her bad life choices force you to stay in contact with your father.

I agree with this.
Invite your mum shopping, for coffee or to lunch etc.
Ring or text her mobile rather than ringing the house phone.

tea-tart-and-rice_3

after a life long difficult relationship with my father in particular (mind games, strings, emotional abandonment) events last year led me into making an overdue decision to cease contact in an attempt to find a better balance/peace in my life. He is 93 now, mother is 90 (and in early dementia, but like OP mother has made the choice to stand by her man all her life) I accept I will never be completely free until he is no longer with us in this world but I feel so much better for the baby steps I have taken.

I empathise with the OP. Its sad and difficult to do. xxxx

MrsD2014

***********

meritaten

sulphate wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I'm not sure if narcissism is the right word. It's just unreasonable, no explanation for his irrational behaviour. He isn't interested in anyone but himself, totally selfish.

but that is 'narcissism'. total selfishness. and if you get hurt - they don't care a jot.

moomoomama27

My husbands father was an awful man, similar to how you mentioned, but worse that he was cheating with women, and even tried to crack on to curious female members of his wife's family!! My MIL refuses to leave him, but we cut him out of our lives almost 9 years ago, and life has been wonderful without his input! We still see MIL but we meet up, or she comes to us. I can't live with destructive people in our lives!

lavandergirl_2

There is a thread in Mumsnet called "stately homes", full of posts regarding narcissistic parents and might help you understand and deal with your situation.

The way to deal with them would be to go
A. No contact
B. low contact

However, in deciding to go "no contact" most will feel the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Hence, opting for low contact.

Narcissists don't know how feel empathy and most don't change. Even if you go no contact they will still not see it from your point of view.