What's the best way to tell a 4 yr old you n partner r splitting up

fivetide

pelirocco wrote: »

the op just says they want different things out of life or words to that effect ....dont we all !!

I agree with the poster you have just blasted , too many people walk away far too easily imoh

After 17 years I don't think you can accuse the OP of walking away easily.

The point I made to the person I 'blasted' was that is isn't as simple as "we don't like each other" or "he always leaves the toilet seat up"

We're not talking about some five minute celebrity marriage here. To say that you should always stay together no matter what if you have kids is plain wrong. What if one partner is into drugs, or is violent? Do you think that staying would be best?

I don't. As I said, to suggest that is a catch all strategy is wrong. It also doesn't help the OP to have random people judge them. They aren't here for judgement, they are here for help with what is a massive life changing and no doubt hard come to decision.

Lets assume the best not the worst eh?

bylromarha

Both sit her down. Both tell her that daddy is going to live at nanny's house. Both tell her that daddy will still see her lots. Be together in your explanation. Don't let her figure it out for herself - 4 year olds are smart and pick up on something being wrong.

Please please please tell school. They are with her 6 hours a day and there is a very good chance her behaviour may change (slightly or significantly) due to the upheaval. 4 year olds don't have the words to express their feelings and the emotions can come out in a variety of ways.

She may become withdrawn as she mulls it over. She may be fine and just run with the change. She may become more physical with her peers, or need more cuddles.

As the teacher, I've been able to give the right care to the children where I know they're going through the emotional wringer. When I'm in the dark about whats going on at home, I can't help the child to the best of my ability, when they most need me to.

[Deleted User]

I was in this situation nearly 2 years ago, when my husband left in July 2012. We had a 4 and 5 year old. For the first 5 months I pretended daddy was working away on a big job and he came to see them twice a week. By the December 2012, he decided it was over and he wasn't coming home, we were officially seperated.

I sought some advice from a local charity who specialise in family breakups, as I wanted the two most precious things in my life to be as least affected and hurt as possible. I wanted to know that I was handling this in the best way I possibly could. My ex husband came with me and it was very difficult and tearful on both sides, but we managed to come up with a plan to tell the children and what we were going to say.

I still recall the moment vividly, when we all sat down in a circle. I had printed out some cartoon characters of a family so we could use them to help the children understand that sometimes they would be with me in our family home, on other times they would be with daddy at their grandparents. When I laid them out on the floor, my daughters face lit up, she thought we were about to play a game!!!

When we explained to the children what was happening, our son sat in his daddy's arms and he cried without stopping for over half an hour. Our daughter was very confused as we were all emotional, despite trying hard not to cry at times, it was inevitable. We explained that it was sad for us all and it was ok to feel upset. Daughter said "she didn't like sad faces only happy ones".

We got through it and the children went off with their dad to visit his parents and to make his room a bit more of them. They have gradually taken toys/clothes and had presents from his family left there.

It'll will be 2 years in July and even now the children still express emotion on occasions about daddy not living with us anymore and missing the family unit. My son is very close to his dad and craves any alpha male attention.

It has affected them, its affected us all. I never thought it would happen to our family, we were decent, kind people, we had morals and values and we always kept adult discussions/disagreements away from the kids. Nobody saw it coming and many mutual friends were shocked.

I told the children's teachers in the period where I didn't know if my husband was coming back or not. After 3 months of holding it all together, I cracked and had to have a few weeks off work, the children were suspecting something was up and they were becoming clingy and not sleeping as well. I also informed them when I knew we were definately going to tell the children, so the school would know on Monday morning if the children weren't at their best and why.

A hard bit now is seeing other 2.4 families at times like bank holidays, family holidays, days out etc. His absence is visibly noticeable, the dynamics have changed. I have started asking a male friend, or my parents to join us at times if they are free, to try to offset that loss.

I'm still not there yet, i still feel robbed at times, but I am doing my best and I hope that it is good enough.

I wish you all the best OP, its a long and painful journey and its a hard one to balance whilst keeping your feelings objective and protecting your child's.

peachyprice

[Deleted User] wrote:

Hi,

tell the kid that daddy doesn't love you anymore, but he still loves her and always will.

If you are going to write her a note use proper words, not abbreviations, you want the kid to be smart in later years.

Why not Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore? It's not always the man's fault.

victory

peachyprice wrote: »

Why not Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore? It's not always the man's fault.

Semantics .......,,

Lunar_Eclipse

anotheruser wrote: »

^ To stop the blame game, you could say "we don't love each other any more".
It's the truth.

Is it? The OP didn't say that and I imagine it is far from the truth. I expect they do still love each other (like siblings as mentioned) and could for years to come.

I would be straightforward and matter of fact. "Mummy and Daddy are going to live in separate homes from now on." That, coupled with reassurance that her life won't change considerably and answering any questions she has now and always, should cover everything.

Lunar_Eclipse

And yes, definitely tell her teacher.

justme111

How wrong it is starting to mention love in this context to children . In their brains if mum/dad does not love each other anymore than they can stop living them as well and no amount of saying "no we will not" will help. Just say that dad is moving out . If they ask why -because grown ups move in and out somerimes. Children stay with mum or dad as per adult arrangement.after of factly , calm and not overly upset. Children can cope with about anything , its adults who load on them their emotions who mess it up. Watch the movie "life is beautiful", great movie and example of a great parenthood.