When is the best time to start a family?

Toucan_Pecan

Did you have your kids at the 'right' time? Do you wish you had had them earlier or later? Did you delay having them to get on at work or have them very early and wish you had spent time carving a career for yourself beforehand?

I'm interested in hearing your experiences, because I feel I have put so much time energy into work, I'm wondering when on Earth is he right time to try to find a partner and have children...

[Deleted User]

when we were married, stable and had a mortgaged home ie the nest was built first. I was 23 and husband was 24. We had 3 children by the time I was 29 and are now very happily retired with grandchildren. I could pursue my own hobbies by the time I was 43 and started saving properly at age 50 when the children had become independent. I would not have done it any other way, my life was on hold for a while and my husbands career took precedence but my career was ok later, we had plenty of energy for bringing the children up. I loved being able to live my life as I wanted. I would not have had the same energy in my 50s and what I did have since then has gone into hobbies, enjoying life as a couple with my husband and preparing for retirement. People used to tell me that energy goes as you get older, well it does

Gillyx

I have one child, we had him when we were 23 and 24 respectively. It's been very hard, as my OH is still very much still establishing his career and I've had to give up on mine for the time being, (very much my choice though and I don't regret it) it has been hard, but I'm glad we're young, like the above poster has said, I have loads of energy, and even if we have another in the near future, we'l still have loads of time in the future just us both. My in laws are still parenting a teen, and it seems exhausting, considering they've been parenting for over 25 years so far :eek:

That being said I think whenever YOU have children is the right time, I don't think there is a wrong time as long as you have the time and money to support them financially and mentally. You will find a partner and you will have children at a time that is right for you, so I wouldn't worry and be rushing to find someone for that reason.

marisco_2

Personally I don't think there's one right time to settle down and think about starting a family. There are both advantages and disadvantages to doing this at different ages. In your 20s you will have more energy to run after and care for a child. Though possibly fewer financial resources and less personal life experience on which to draw on. In their 30s and 40s people are usually more established financially, but could have a tougher time getting and staying pregnant and, afterwards, keeping up with an active toddler and child. My advice would be to only make such a permanent life changing decision, when you feel 100% happy and secure with a partner.

FBaby

There is no best time, but worse time to do so. Noone should contemplate to have children until they have gained a certain level of studies and some working experience so they have built some foundations to hold on at anytime.

It's become fashionable to go back to studying after having children but much more difficult to get on the ladder with a degree later in life with no or limited working experience behind than doing in the other way around.

onlyroz

I had mine at 25 and 29 spaced so we would only have one in nursery at once (otherwise us both going to work would not have been financially viable). Career-wise I think having kids early can be a good thing even if it means that for a while one wage is mostly sucked up by childcare costs. Waiting too long can mean that you're having babies just at the point where you might be hoping to get bigger promotion opportunities (e.g. Imagine trying to compete for managerial positions when you're exhausted with all-night breast feeding sessions or babies who just refuse to go to sleep). I also think that demanding babies are less draining when you're in your 20's.

lilmissreading

As you can see from my signature we're expecting number one to come along hopefully in October.

The only way I knew it was the right time was that I met DH. Again as you can probably see from my signature our relationship has moved steadily and it has felt like the next link in the chain.

I had no choice over doing it any earlier as I did not meet anyone I wanted to have a child with until a month after my 30th birthday. I only got to the career I wanted to do at the age of 29. Not through lack of effort but just because it required 7 years of education and numerous years of relevant work education. I am now in a job I love and do not regret that priority. I often think it is not coincidence that once I sorted that side of my life, my personal life fell into place.

My career has meant that I have been able to support DH through re-training into a job he (hopefully) loves. Now that we are having a child we are hoping they will be born to two part time working parents (the dream, we know my job can accommodate that - again another reason why I wanted it) who both enjoy time in and away from home, sharing the jobs.

It was on my mind that the longer I 'waited' (had mini crisis at 30 that all the stuff that started happening post 30 was never going to happen) the more difficult it was potentially going to be to get pregnant. This was not helped in 2012 by my mother urging me to freeze my eggs pre wedding. We are lucky that it has not been difficult so far.

Meeting DH post 30 has meant that I have done some amazing trips that I wouldn't have done otherwise. My 20s were FUN.

Buick

I can only say it was drummed into us that we shouldn't get pregnant and have a baby when we were young, but do more worthwhile things like pursue a career.. Now of course it's too late, and I kind of wish I'd just done the traditional thing and got married and had a child

A career can wait, nature can't. There is a biological imperative for women to have children while they're still young enough for the pregnancy not to be risky, and also while they've got the energy for all the sleepless nights and running round after the little one.

Spendless

I didn't start dating my husband until I was 30, so it wasn't an option for me to have children at an earlier age.

On the plus side, we both had f-time jobs, and owned a (mortgaged) house each.

On the minus side I had been made redundant not that long ago and had no idea my new employer didn't employ part-timers (was before any legislation asking them to consider doing) and it was a case of work full time and it cost the equivalent of my full-time wage. I was able to pick part-time evening/weekend work up instead, but meant technology advanced so later on I had to go back to gain qualifications before I could go back to the same sort of work as prior kids.

We managed fine as huband's job started to take off around this time

I'm not entirely sure you are asking about the right age to have kids but I suppose if I was to give a tick box of things I think people should have before starting a family, I'd say

employment
somewhere of their own to live
a plan on what they will do about childcare after maternity ends

continualdiamond

I had my little girl at the right time, wouldn't change it at all.

I'm 32 but I was 31 and hubby was 30 when I had her last October.

I've known my husband since I was 18 but we didn't get married until I was 29 and he was 28.

We have our own place (2 bedroomed flat) and really wanted to move before having a baby but decided waiting to find the right house could take too long and the chance of having a baby of course doesn't happen for some people.

We know we need more space if we decide we want more children but for now our flat is fine.

We both did have good careers but our timing of finding out I was pregnant also resulted in finding out my husband was being made redundant. News like that is something you can never predict so whilst it did worry us, it was out of our hands. He's back working now for a lot less money but he just keeps looking and applying for better jobs.

I work in a school and have been working full time for them for 10 years and am at the top of my pay scale and whilst I tried for a higher teaching assistant position when it came up I was unsuccessful. They're only 5 of these higher roles and everyone in them is definitely not nearing retirement, nor do I see them leaving any time soon.

So my career for what I have achieved so far seemed to be at the right place to have a baby and return part time which I do in June.

I had also lost a lot of weight before hand and we'd already decided my body needed a break from weight change so I maintained my healthy weight for a year before trying for a baby.

So all different factors come into consideration and everything of course is different for everyone.

Crabapple

I'm not convinced there is either a best time or a right time. It comes down to what works for you.

Personally, I didn't really have a choice to make about career or kids, I didn't get together with my now husband until I was 34. I wouldn't say that I prioritised my career, I just didn't meet anyone I wanted to be with and have children with and to be honest I wasn't really expecting it to happen (and was perfectly happy with that idea).

So I have a career to go back to and the qualifications and experience I need, but that's just the way it was because of my age. The only decision we did make was that we both would like children if it was possible, and we didn't feel it would be wise to wait to find out!

I now have a daughter born Jan 2012 when I was 36 and a son born Feb this year when I was 38.

Would I have it have been better/worse or would I have been a different parent if I'd had kids in my 20's? We'll never know, but I know I wouldn't have my husband now or these kids, and I couldn't imagine that being any different.