I love my mum, but...

Fleago

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It is when someone gives you the money as a 'gift', and then states what it is to be used for.

My Dad once gave me money for a gift and told me that I was to spend it on an certain item. He knew there was something I would have dearly loved to have but also knew it was too expensive for me to buy myself.

The money was certainly still a gift, the gift of the means to buy something I wouldn't have otherwise had.

pops5588

I do appreciate the sentiment behind it. I will have a ponder and see how I feel on Monday maybe. I certainly don't want to upset anyone

lilmissreading

Lordy me. This could (and did) easily happen to me. I spent years not commenting on anything when with my mother. You have my sympathy, I had no idea how to communicate with my mother either. I strongly agree with those who say that you need to find a way now. I spent years accepting things I didn't want as every time I said no I felt there was a catastrophic reaction of hurt and rejection. As a result when I got married I really did have to say no and it was a year of HELL finally achieving that. Yes I am sure lots of people would love to be spoiled by that but others of us feel smothered and ungrateful for things we never wanted.

One option would be to try the skirt on and then she'll see the tattoo. She doesn't approve of it/them but it sounds like the same basic issue as the money in that she isn't treating you as a grown up entitled to make her own decisions.

The other option is to sit over lunch, thank her for being so kind and involving your grandmother but you still don't feel the skirt is a good buy because you like it but you don't love it enough. You understand she just wants to give you what you want but what you really want is to spend some of that money on lunch today so you can both enjoy your grandmother's kindness and get her some chocolates and flowers. You know she can understand wanting to spend money on other people as you learnt it from her. Then make sure you have a topic in mind to change topic if it all gets to be stuck.

Ultimately she may be in that transition phase of you being her daughter and she wants to spoil you like she used to you but she doesn't know how to do that for you as an adult. Sounds like she needs your help in figuring out how to do that.

GOOD LUCK.

PS What happens when the actual item arrives? In my case I have put it in my wardrobe and rarely/never worn it. Gift vouchers I often re-gift to her or someone else. At Christmas she said if I didn't like the handbag she gave me, to leave it at her house. I did so and it was never mentioned again although I did see my cousin using it which was a much better use for it.

peachyprice

I seem to be in a very small minority here who thinks it was an incredibly nice thing for your Grandma to do.

So you mum goes to visit her, starts talking about when you passed the Phase Eight shop, tells Gran you saw a skirt you absolutely loved, just your sort of thing, but you didn't get it because you've just started a new job and can't afford it, Gran says, Oh, I'd love to get it for her, rather than getting the wrong size here's the money, and a little extra.

Really, what it so awful about that?

I don't think your relationship is at all as good as you think if all you can see is controlling behaviour, it's really quite sad.

I guess you have learned one lesson, in future be honest with her. If you'd have told her the truth about why you didn't want the skirt your Gran wouldn't now be giving you the money to buy it.

browneyedbazzi

If I were you I would speak to your grandmother and ask if the money was specifically meant for that skirt or would she be happy for you to buy something else with it. You don't have to say anything about the tattoo but say that you aren't sure it is appropriate for work and it might not get much use and you don't want the money to be wasted by buying the first thing that you saw, so you'd like to look around to see if there's something else. Once your grandmother has agreed (which I'd be surprised if she didn't) I'd tell your mum that having thought about it that particular skirt isn't really appropriate for your new job and that having spoken to your grandmother she's agreed that you can spend the money on something else. You could suggest going shopping together to pick something out.

I can understand why people sometimes give money with a hint as to what they would like you to spend it on - they want to treat you, and for you to have something special as a gift from them. If the money isn't earmarked for something special/different in my experience it just gets absorbed into the general household account and goes on bills or groceries etc, which isn't really a 'treat'. My family live quite far away and I often get money for Christmas/birthdays...usually my mom will have asked what I would like, checked what the cost is then sends roughly the right money for me to buy it. I don't have a problem with that at all and think it would look really rude and unappreciative to say 'You can't tell me what to do, I don't want your money if you're telling me what to buy with it.' Equally, if between the time I was asked what I would like and the money arriving I changed my mind, I would simply speak to my mom, explain and get her agreement that I can buy something different.

SavingPennies_2

They are proud of you and want to treat you for you new job. Take the money and go to Phase 8. If you are specifically worried about that skirt not being suitable try it on and say oh no it doesn't fit right/ feel comfortable/go with my tops, then try something else on from that shop, they have loads of nice clothes for work and buy something else, then say ooh thanks what a nice treat for my new job, I love it etc.


Whenever I get a little money or a voucher of my parents I always make a point of getting something that's a treat and telling them what I got, because that's what its for! They know you wouldn't normally splash out like that so they want to give you the money to do so, if you keep the cash and spend it on groceries or something sensible I think they might be hurt.

pops5588

peachyprice wrote: »

I seem to be in a very small minority here who thinks it was an incredibly nice thing for your Grandma to do.

It is a wonderfully generous for my grandmother to do, I haven't said otherwise.

peachyprice wrote: »

So you mum goes to visit her, starts talking about when you passed the Phase Eight shop, tells Gran you saw a skirt you absolutely loved, just your sort of thing, but you didn't get it because you've just started a new job and can't afford it, Gran says, Oh, I'd love to get it for her, rather than getting the wrong size here's the money, and a little extra.

Really, what it so awful about that?

I haven't said it's awful! But in reality when I saw the skirt I did love the pattern and the colours but in my head I go through my usual process of "it is lovely, but how often would I really wear it? Probably not much, I certainly wouldn't be able to get £65 worth of wear out of it, nah it's not for me" Obviously I don't verbalise every single thought that goes on in my head so I just said I couldn't afford to spend £65 on a skirt, which is true. If I had known that my mum had decided it was the one and only skirt for me and I had to have it, I would of course been much more vocal, but I can't assist in preventing a situation if I don't know the situation exists. I wasn't expecting money for anything, let alone a specific skirt.

peachyprice wrote: »

I don't think your relationship is at all as good as you think if all you can see is controlling behaviour, it's really quite sad.

With all due respect you don't know our relationship, and I really wish you would check my posts before saying something like that. I have never said it's controlling behaviour, other posters have but I haven't. I don't believe the sentiment behind it came from a bad, negative place.

peachyprice wrote: »

I guess you have learned one lesson, in future be honest with her. If you'd have told her the truth about why you didn't want the skirt your Gran wouldn't now be giving you the money to buy it.

I was always honest, I certainly can't afford the skirt. If I had known that this was going to happen, I would certainly have expanded on my honesty and said that even if I did have the money I don't think I would buy it even though I liked it. But I wasn't asked if I would like the money for the skirt, and if my mum had put the idea out there I would have said no. But this wasn't done.

lilmissreading

I can understand that it is a nice thing that her grandmother has done.

I do find it difficult as a grown up to always be the recipient of gifts, particularly if you are receiving something you don't strongly want. I often think that I wish they saved their money for someone more grateful or something else. It's nicer if it doesn't come with emotional baggage.

The option in my case was either to keep accepting items I didn't particularly want or find a way to say thank you but no thank you. Otherwise it can become smothering and uncomfortable.

Brighton_belle

The one thing I wouldn't do OP is use the money to buy things for your grandmother or lunch etc. In my experince giving someone a generous cash gift and it being used to buy you something back is a bit like having a bucket of cold water throw over you and v rejecting. I wld buy clothes with it that you love and wld use.
I couldn't spend it on something I didn't really really want either, so I get where you arecoming from. There's a difference between admiring something and knowing it wouldn't suit yr lifestyle.

duchy

"Oh dear ....I went back later and tried that skirt on......and it didn't look nearly so nice on" What a shame.