NPD Mother - how do you get on with your siblings as an adult?

Better_Days

I'm pretty sure my Mother has NPD.
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic48207.html

I've found a lot of info as to how this affects the children. But not so much about how it affects the interaction between siblings.

My sister was the Golden Child, I was the Scapegoat and my brothers were somewhere in between. I have a pretty good and open relationship with my brothers now, but am struggling with my sister. She recognises Mothers behaviour was/is horrible but wants to maintain contact with Mother, to I think, to try and make sense of her childhood and why she is so unhappy now. As a result she gets drawn into Mother's manipulations and goes along with Mother treating siblings differently.

The final straw for me has been that Mother traced some blood relatives and told only my sister and one of my brothers. Mother told them that she didn't want me or my other brother to know because she wanted to control who knows what.

When I found out I explained to my sister that by going along with this unequal treatment of siblings she is enabling Mother's behaviour and damaging the relationship she has with me and her brothers. However my sister has explained she was respecting Mothers wishes.

This sort of thing has been going on since childhood, and I can clearly recall as a child the surprise of adults when they cottoned on to how differently my sister and I were treated. My sister's perception is totally different though and doesn't recognise herself as the favourite. In some ways this is understandable as we all were deeply unhappy in a totally dysfunctional household. What a mess.

My sister wants things to go on as they are but I don't see how I can have a meaningful relationship with her on this basis as there is no trust.

If any of you are unlucky enough to have a NPD Mother could you share your experience of working through the fallout with your siblings?

devildog

So sorry you have had to suffer this!


To answer your question very briefly, I haven't! I went no contact with mum and the golden child(sister) and haven't looked back. As you say, the sister has a very different perception and will always side with mum (completely blinkered) and no matter what you do/say it will always get twisted by them (IMHO)
My other sister I get on fine with (she has limited contact with mum and golden child)

Better_Days

devildog thank you so much! When narcissism is involved it seems that reality gets so twisted it isn't always easy to identify which way is up.

I have been at low contact with Mother for years and am now seriously considering no contact. It looks like it is going the same way with my sister. Very interesting that your GC sister's perception sounds similar to that of my GC sister.

So pleased you have found your way through - it takes determination and strength to escape from the narcissistic web - and you are happier as a result

devildog

It does get twisted and then they try and play the guilt card on you, then you start to doubt yourself and wonder if it was all in your imagination after all.
Some people need to keep limited contact, others just need to totally break away. It must be coming up 5 years now that I have been no contact and I more or less don't think about them. I did recently re-read a letter she wrote just prior to me going no contact (wanted to keep it to remind me just how nasty she was) and re-reading it now with no emotions involved just made me feel more justified than ever in removing her from my life.
Whatever you may decide to do. don't feel guilty (or let them make you feel guilty) about it. You are important and have to make yourself your first priority.

Better_Days

Thank you devildog for such kind words.:A

I have not discussed this with anyone who has been through it all (although DH is very supportive) and it is such a relief to read your analysis.

For me guilt and societal expectations of what a family should be like is all mixed up and it has made it difficult to go no contact. But I know in my heart it is the sensible thing to do for my self respect. Plus I suspect that the weight of the decision unmade is dragging me down.

Funny you should mention letters. I have toyed with the idea of symbolically burning the latest batch of nasty letters from Mother. But keeping one as a reminder is not a bad idea either.

Take care

Mojisola

Better_Days wrote: »

I have not discussed this with anyone who has been through it all (although DH is very supportive) and it is such a relief to read your analysis.

There's plenty of other people who have had experience of mothers like yours -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

whodathunkit

Mojisola wrote: »

There's plenty of other people who have had experience of mothers like yours -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

Obviously NPD is a male free zone!

Mojisola

whodathunkit wrote: »

Obviously NPD is a male free zone!

That's an interesting point. There don't seem to be anywhere near as many narcissistic fathers. Maybe the men who are like that don't get to be fathers or, at least, not resident fathers.

DomRavioli

Just a word to the wise OP, being narcissistic, and having a full blown personality disorder are two separate worlds; not to say your mother does or doesn't have it, but it takes a lot of training and quite a long time to diagnose a personality disorder of any kind.

From the DSM-IV (the diagnostic manual, current version):
Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR, include:

Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
Envies others and believes others envy him/her
Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior
Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

Other symptoms in addition to the ones defined by DSM-IV-TR include: Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, has trouble keeping healthy relationships with others, easily hurt or rejected, appears unemotional, and exaggerating special achievements and talents, setting unrealistic goals for himself/herself.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, and an over-inflated sense of self-importance that is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

The biggest sticking point is being unrealistic in terms of expecting special treatment, which defines it from having narcissism as part of your normal personality; to me it sounds like your mother doles out treatment which is special, not expects to receive it, which wouldn't fit with the DSM - I'm not giving medical advice, just quoting my opinion.

whodathunkit

Mojisola wrote: »

That's an interesting point. There don't seem to be anywhere near as many narcissistic fathers. Maybe the men who are like that don't get to be fathers or, at least, not resident fathers.

Or perhaps it just tells us something about women's relationships with their mothers.;)

Gingernutty

Narcissists can be male and female, but men tend to behave differently.

Women have a tendency towards passive-aggressive attention seeking, whereas narcissistic men tend towards aggression - think of all those competitive Dads who thrash their own kids at sports and who may also be highly ambitious but with inflated ideas about their own competence.

The guy who continually goes for jobs beyond his competence, promotions he doesn't deserve or pay rises he hasn't earned.

Who'll complain loudly about how 'they' don't see how talented he is, how that screw up wasn't his fault, how the system is against him blah, blah blah.

All the while, the family who are depending on him have to soldier on with Mum perhaps working two jobs just until Dad finds something worthy of him, the kids vying for his approval and the scapegoat child dreading the next 'kick about'.

Narcissistic husbands and dads are out there - they just have a slightly different MO.