NPD Mother - how do you get on with your siblings as an adult?

CRANKY40

My mother used to tell people that my sister was her favourite (I heard her and so did my sister) and that I was fat and lazy ( I wasn't overweight or lazy at the age of 10). Luckily, as we got older my sister and I conferred and I discovered that favourite child wasn't the excellent position I presumed it to be.

Our mum died when I was 21 and my sister was 18, but in spite of our mother we have been and always will be the very best of friends. We joke now that if we could have one final conversation with our mother it would begin with "What in the name of goodness did you think you were doing?"

Tiffany_Aching

I grew up with a mother with NPD. I was the scapegoat, my sister the golden child and I look back now and realise that I was depressed for most of my childhood.

I was never good enough. I constantly heard how I wasn't as slim as my sister, nor was I as pretty, popular, or clever as her. My mother was embarrassed of me as I was a fat child and she often said that she didn't want to be seen in public with me - when I was eleven she screamed at me that I was so fat that I looked pregnant and what would people think of her? I was dealing with agoraphobia by the age of 16 as I believed that I was so fat and ugly I was scared to be seen in public. I weighed 9 stone.

She would tell people all the time about how awful a child I was and then praise my sister with her next breath. I had to take the blame if anything went wrong and I would have to go for days without being spoken to if anyone upset her - she always managed to somehow make it my fault.

My mother took great delight in keeping my sister and I apart. If we wanted to play together she would find something for her and my sister to do together instead. We weren't even allowed to share a bedroom in our two bed house - they shared the larger room and I was on my own. We often asked if we could share like our friends but were told that we would just fight as we didn't like each other. She would play us off against each other and if we were having the usual sibling arguments she would come screaming in blaming me. Should my sister ever come to my defence then we were ganging up on her and she would be in floods of tears until my sister took her side - this was happening even when we were 3 and 6. Mother took great pleasure in telling everyone that she was 'always in the middle', that we would gang up on her but ******** was a good girl as she would always do what her mum wanted in the end.

This was still going on when we were in our late twenties, only by then my sister was very close to our mum and would join in the constant fault finding and hurtful comments. If I ever showed that I was upset I was stupid, took everything too seriously and took it all the wrong way.

One day something happened with my sister - I wont say here as it would identify me - and I had the most amazing moment of clarity. It wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. What my sister had done was so awful, so mean, so hurtful that it was obviously wrong. There was no telling me that I was over reacting. I wasn't taking it the wrong way. No. Others witnessed it and were shocked by both their behavior and this made me realise that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault.

This was 15 years ago and I cut contact there and then. There has been a lot of emotional blackmail but I cannot go back there again. The freedom is incredible, I cannot say how much of a release it is to be away from all of the cr*p.

People who have never been there are unable to understand. People with normal mothers who are kind, nurturing and loving - how could they understand? I still wonder if I was somehow to blame, even now. That's how much your reality gets twisted. I find it very hard to trust anyone as an adult and I find it easier to keep people at arms length.

The relationship with my sister has gone. As she grew up she enjoyed our mum favouring her. She liked the presents, money and attention and would take great pleasure in telling me how different our mum treated us. I doubt that we will ever have any form of relationship, even when our mum is gone. My sister has too much hatred and I have no trust.

I have felt what a lot of other posters here have talked about, and recognised so many of the stories.

Better_Days

Just revisiting this thread with short update and a couple of links you may find illustrative. Thanks to everyone who has shared about NPD, it is so helpful to be able to identify with the experiences of others. If you don't have close experience of it, it is difficult to explain how warped the NPD 'world' is.

Tiffany Aching: It wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. What my sister had done was so awful, so mean, so hurtful that it was obviously wrong. There was no telling me that I was over reacting. I wasn't taking it the wrong way

I know exactly what you mean. After years of knowing what has been going on I finally have incontrovertible proof of both my Mother's behaviour and my sister's enabling. I have tried to sort things out with my sister but she has responded by writing to a sibling to complain about me(triangulation), instead of contacting me directly.

Hope Love and Charity I can see exactly why you have concerns about children caught in the NPD web with no means of escape. From the outside it may seem overly dramatic to say that no child(ren) should be left alone with a narcissist, but those who have lived their childhood through it will understand.

I found this website which some may find interesting. http://narcissistschild.blogspot.co.uk/. On one of the posts someone recounts how their NPD parent accused them of trying to kill a sibling. Exactly the same happened to me. When I was about 7 I tripped and accidentally knocked my toddler brother into a pond. The rage, anger, and drama that resulted. Mother shrieked that it was all my fault. But no mention that adults should not have let 3 young children play unsupervised by a deep pond. Awful.

And if you have a strong stomach you could try watching this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6V6Qe4JBco

It is an episode of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA. If you have never watched these there is usually a bit of OTT behaviour, prima donna chefs and owners, a few angry exchanges, and then Ramsay wins them round, because he does actually know what he is talking about.

But this one is different, and it is the only one (after nearly 100 episodes) where he said he couldn't help and recognised what was going on wasn't normal. The owner of the restuarant appears to have a personality disorder supported by an enabling husband.

Watching the episode sent shivers down my spine.

There are many, many narcissistic traits. For anyone who doesn't have experience of NPD - imagine growing up with a mother like Amy.

The drama, the hair trigger rages, the shouting, complete inability to take any criticism, never admitting they are wrong, gaslighting, not respecting personal boundaries, control freak, manipulation, abuse of power, grandiosity, seeking sympathy for 'hurt' feelings, verbal and psychological violence, switching between nice and nasty behaviour, superficial charm.

And as a child you are totally vulnerable and there is no escape. Imagine being seven years old and the terror of living with that behaviour day in day out. No love, no nurturing, no building of self esteem, just an unremitting emotional battering.

After watching that programme ''no contact'' as an adult with NPD parent seems eminently sensible - the narcissist will never admit they are wrong and they will never change. In some ways I am one of the lucky ones. I got out. How many are overwhelmed emotionally by a childhood with a NPD parent which usually goes unrecognised from the outside because narcissists are so good at superficial charm and presenting an acceptable front?

Better_Days

Hope_Love_and_Charity wrote: »

When people say to me 'blood is thicker than water,' I tell them it means absolutely nothing to me. People back off in surprise as they realise I am adamant about it and I'm known as a nice person:D.

Sorry, I meant to include this in my reply too - in the media and practically everywhere you go there is this fantasy about wonderful supportive families, and people seem to find it uncomfortable when this is directly challenged. The government goes on and on about the importance of families.

People recognise that some make very poor parents, but when confronted with the reality of this they shy away from it as if were some sort of blasphemy. But a NPD parent does not endear the children to the 'wonders' of family life.

devildog

I found this website which some may find interesting. http://narcissistschild.blogspot.co.uk/. On one of the posts someone recounts how their NPD parent accused them of trying to kill a sibling. Exactly the same happened to me. When I was about 7 I tripped and accidentally knocked my toddler brother into a pond. The rage, anger, and drama that resulted. Mother shrieked that it was all my fault. But no mention that adults should not have let 3 young children play unsupervised by a deep pond. Awful.


Never though about this one before but something similar happened to me too although I am not certain of what age I was, def in primary school (and at the lower end I believe) I was having a bath with the GC and was accused of trying to drown them.


You learn something new everyday

brenda10

Better_Days wrote: »

Sorry, I meant to include this in my reply too - in the media and practically everywhere you go there is this fantasy about wonderful supportive families, and people seem to find it uncomfortable when this is directly challenged. The government goes on and on about the importance of families.

People recognise that some make very poor parents, but when confronted with the reality of this they shy away from it as if were some sort of blasphemy. But a NPD parent does not endear the children to the 'wonders' of family life.

These impossible selfish 'things' create such sadness, havoc and fear in their victims, their very own flesh and blood! How can they do it? Because they only care about THEMSELVES!
Its so sad, no one cares, social services turn a blind eye, they ignore it, I feel such empathy towards every one of you who have suffered as I see this 7 year old suffering and scarred, we can only do our best to love and care for her when contact with our side of the family. There is no love towards this child from her so called mother. The father is her mother/father. My sympathies go out to you all.