Bitterness

kpwll

This is not something I usually talk about but here goes:

I have had a love/hate relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember (I am the proud owner of a bus pass) and kept going back for more, apologising for whatever wrongdoings I was accused of and asking for another chance because she was my mother and I suppose I hoped that she did love me and would one day show it.
She was pregnant with me when she married my father, then had my sister 18 mths later, who unfortunately was prem and had lack of oxygen at birth, which caused learning difficulties. They divorced when I was 5 and all I can remember from then is that it was my fault that she had to marry 'THAT MAN', what a waste of space and air he was and how I was like him.
She was so different with other people, would do so much for others and treated strangers with more respect than she ever showed me and in later years my family.
The last straw for me was when she put all my children's photos in a black bin bag and left them outside my back door. That was 11 years ago and I didn't go back. I still loved my mother I just really didn't like her and I still feel the same.

Recently she has had to go into a Care home due to dementia and because I am classed as her (and my sister's) next of kin I am involved in all decisions for both of them.
I could have refused, but even though I don't like my mother I still love her. I have seen her just once in the home and she doesn't recognise or know me, which I view as a good thing in some respects. I'll be there for the future and hopefully get peace of mind that I was a reasonably good daughter and it wasn't all my fault.
It's probably selfish of me because I don't want to be left with regrets and 'what ifs' when she dies.
Be kind to yourself because by forgiving them you are also forgiving yourself.

I'm sorry this was so long and hope you don't mind.

stormbreaker

I have just returned to this thread and can only say, well done you kpwll, you are obviously a far better person than I. My mother would never do anything as hurtful as you have had to endure. I certainly could not forgive in the way you have. Perhaps your ability to forgive says more about your father ! Did he stay in touch?

kpwll

I really don't think I am a better person and I've never been an angel. There are plenty of things over the years that she had the right to object to, but she picked my father not me.
Yes, kept in touch and had a good relationship and the only bad thing he said regarding my mother was that she could be difficult (what an understatement.) He never discussed their marriage or break up with me. Dad died 20 years ago, but when I was 7 he married a wonderful lady who did more for me and mine than you would believe (which caused no end of problems with my mother). I always called her my 'wicked' stepmother and sadly she died on the 6th Sept aged 94. I miss her terribly.

I always knew I would have regrets over things when my mother dies and this way I am giving myself some peace of mind. My husband and children still want nothing to do with her and I understand and respect that. They give me the support I need.
My best advice to you is to do what you are comfortable with and whatever is best for you and yours. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act.
I wasted too many years hating and resenting my mother, I allowed her to colour my views, now I don't. I win!!!!!

Good luck and best wishes xx

suki1964

stormbreaker wrote: »

Deep rooted, ingrained and ugly against my mother and siblings....getting worse!

Anyone been here and moved on without cutting ties?

Are you my sister?