Bitterness

marisco_2

The only way to move forward positively, and have any kind of relationship with people who cause you to feel as you are, is to seperate the behaviour from the person. Either this is something you can develop strategies and coping mechanisms to manage. Or for your own sake you need to set ground rules and terms over the time you spend in their company.

System

marisco wrote: »

The only way to move forward positively, and have any kind of relationship with people who cause you to feel as you are, is to seperate the behaviour from the person. Either this is something you can develop strategies and coping mechanisms to manage. Or for your own sake you need to set ground rules and terms over the time you spend in their company.

I agree but its difficult when you have been raised to respect your elders and especially if its your parent. In your head you have mixed loyalties (theres got to be a better word for it than loyalties but you get my drift?). You get it hammered home when your growing up and then when your an adult.... you find it difficult to stand up to them even though you know your right. I'm a good girl that couldn't/cant quite stand up to my Mom out of respect (which I know is bull$hit).


I need to move away, I know I do.

azzabazza

About 5 years ago something happened in my life that brought all my negative feelings for my mother to the surface. The fact that she blackmailed me emotionally, let me down frequently etc etc just became too much. I came to the realisation that I did not like my mother at all - plus lots of other negative feelings.


Maybe not the answer for some people, but I actually found counselling was very helpful.


Edited to say I am in my early 60s so it was a long time coming!!!

mjdh1957

I don't like my mother either.

We had a row just before Xmas and she dragged up something from way back in the past that was totally inappropriate and I've barely spoken to her since.

I feel sorry for her as she is bitter, twisted and has no friends. And is also alienating my younger sister's family as well.

But I am not responsible for the situation she is in and all I can do is let go. If I see her again I will be polite and not get drawn into any further arguments (this has been my strategy for some years now but sometimes I just 'see red' and have to contradict her).

She holds grudges and will relate tales of how she is always right and has been hard done by all her life, and frankly it is tedious to hear it all again and again.

I'm gratified to find I am not the only one to have this kind of difficult relationship with a mother.

My partner's family are so different from mine, I used to get deeply envious of his relationship with his parents compared to mine.

Cottage_Economy

Accept that they will never be or behave the way you wish they would.

Prepare to deal with them on the basis of how they are and act today, not how they should be behaving.

Expect little from them but much of the same.

Put your own mental and physical health first. Ditto any relationships with close family like spouse or children.

That's how I get by.

Danni-R

I have nothing to add but I'm thankful that I'm not the only one. Sometimes when I'm low at work and I bring things up like the above, people look at me like I'm crazy so I stop sharing. I never thought I was the only one who thought and felt like this but I didnt realise it was so common.

Spirit_2

Is it possible that you could seek mediation?

There may be issues on both sides and it would be helpful for all concerned to resolve them.

stormbreaker

Spirit wrote: »

Is it possible that you could seek mediation?

My mother would be motified that I would discuss anything or want to admit there was ever anything wrong in our family. As it is she struggles to address and admit to others about my siblings mental health problems. Mediation for us is not an option!

Like others I am glad in that I am not alone! I see and hear of others socialising with their mothers and siblings, that is a rarity in our family I can on occasion be envious. . I am now at the stage where I really can't bare to be in their company for long.:o

azzabazza I am in my early 50s and my mother will be 80 this year so its been a looooong time coming for me too!

System

Spirit wrote: »

Is it possible that you could seek mediation?

There may be issues on both sides and it would be helpful for all concerned to resolve them.

mediation is only any good if the people involved could see there was a problem and that it might involve seeing things from someone elses point of view.

azzabazza

stormbreaker wrote: »

azzabazza I am in my early 50s and my mother will be 80 this year so its been a looooong time coming for me too!

What I found was that I could almost make excuses for her behaviour and the way she treated me! I could see all these happy, close famiIy groups and felt maybe it was my fault we didn't have that sort of relationship. I may say neither of my children have the time of day for their grandmother!

I have always strived to be open, supportive and loving to my children (and grandchildren) and I know my relationship with them is nothing like the toxic relationship I had with my mother.

I will probably get slated for this but my mother is in a care home, with Alzheimer's. Her memory is virtually nil but she does know me. Despite all this she can be very nasty and manipulative. Fortunately I can walk away from her after a couple of hours. I do duty visits once a fortnight and my children have no wish to visit their grandmother at all. And we don't feel guilty about it!