MONEY MORAL DILEMMA: Should Grant and Tiffany charge for their wedding?

Fiona_T_3

Yes, maybe you're right about responding the way the couple ask. As long as they word it charmingly enough, I guess it's no more offensive than receiving the present list with the invitation, which has happened to me plenty of times. It just grates on me because it's so far away from the traditional idea of marriage......

I_h8_rip_off_britain

Marriage is not about the WEDDING! Marriage is about marriage, if you cant afford a michelin star resturant or a nice hotel get a buffet. DONT get the mega wedding and foward the bill to your guests. I have been to 12 weddings, some receptions were a party with a band, some were michilen star resturants. Its not the free bar that makes a wedding its the atmosphere. Every wedding I have been to has been great for ONE reason, the marriage of two people in love! Personally I am surprised anyone would admit they had even thought of such a propostorous idea. If your house is fitted out, then for god sake just dont have any presents, dont ask for money!!

@Fiona T:
I agree with you, what happend to the traditional meaning of marriage?

Tiger_greeneyes

I'm getting married next year and I have to say that the idea of getting my guests to foot the bill is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. The very reason we're waiting 18 months to get married is so that we have time to save up and pay for it. If the guests are paying for it, then they're hardly guests, are they? I'd rather not get married than ask my family and friends to pay for my big day, in all honesty. I've far too much pride. I'm not having a gift list either. If someone wishes to buy a present for us then we would feel very lucky, if not a little embarassed. We're getting married because we want to spend the rest of our lives together, not for the freebies we can get out of our big day.

To each their own!

Contains_Mild_Peril

The wedding might cost the "equivalent" of £75 per guest, but how much of that would be spent on the things that cost the same amount of money regardless of the number of guests, e.g. flowers, photography etc?
I don't see anything wrong in telling guests that you don't need any household items as gifts but that money would be useful: it's certainly no worse than having a wedding list of suggested gifts. However, telling the guests the per capita cost of the wedding and hinting that this would an appropriate amount to give is crass. Actually asking "guests" to pay to attend would be indefensibly rude, and I would decline any such invitation.
If cash gifts are suggested, I think there should be a facility to give anonymously (whether a collection tin at the recption venue, a bank account or whatever) so that if a guest wants to give a cash gift without the couple knowing the amount, they can do so. If I'm shopping for a wedding gift, I tend to shop around for something that looks more expensive than it really is!
It's also fine to have wedding items as gifts, e.g. my sister made her friends' wedding cake as a wedding present, and I took the photos at my cousin's wedding as my present to her. My sister is planning to get married some time in the near future, and since she and her fiance already live together and don't need toasters etc, she plans to invite guests to contribute some food for the buffet if they would like to. If they choose to give something more traditional then obviously that's welcome too.
My mum paid for the venue's buffet at my wedding reception, and it was awful, but it's the thought that counts!

Grumpysally

We've just had to pay £10k for our roof replacing, perhaps we should have got hitched and asked for a tile fund......
As for honeymoon fund...... we are going on our annual camping hol soon...... perhaps we should get married and upgrade that..... just think of all the things you could get your friends and family to pay for if you put your mind to it..

Tiger_greeneyes

Contains Mild Peril - please don't take offence at this because it's certainly not intended, you simply mentioned something that I'd like to expand upon

Surely by saying

" I don't see anything wrong in telling guests that you don't need any household items as gifts but that money would be useful"

you'd actually be telling the guests that they have to fork out one way or another? My own feeling is that asking for - or expecting anything of your guests is a tad on the cheeky side! I know it's tradition for the guests to bring gifts, but isn't it a bit presumptious to say that you're actually expecting something from them, rather than looking on it as a kind bonus if it happens?

KizKizBangBang

I would be disgusted to receive an invitation to someone's wedding, and then basically being asked to pay for it!! More so if they were having quite a lavish do. My view is if you can't afford the wedding you want - TOUGH! I'd love a big flash wedding - but wouldn't dream of asking my guests to pay for it!

The irony is, I don't have a problem with people saying they'd prefer cash/vouchers instead of presents. Today most couples live together and are older before they get married, so money is practical really. That said, you'll come across as very rude/greedy if you assume that EVERYONE is going to give you something.

However, if I received an invitation saying 'It's going to cost us £75 to invite you to our wedding and we'd appreciate a contribution' my RSVP would be 'Shove your cheeky invitation and save yourself £75!!'

tonecontrol

you do have to pay to attend a wedding - the presents.

Really though, I think weddings are a ripoff, and I'd rather see the kind of do people have for a birthday or anniversary - a buffet, etc, not see bills for £1k on flowers, £1000s on dresses, etc, it's just a feeding frenzy for the service industry.

We got married abroad, mostly though to avoid having a church wedding (which we felt to be hypocritical since we don't go to church anymore), and also because we didn't want to be made that much of a fuss of (I am an extrovert, but I think weddings are usually OTT). It cost less than £2k for 2 weeks in Barbados in an apartment on the beach, + hire car & everything to do with the wedding: we just arranged it ourselves when we were out there (lucky really, brochure said they needed 6 weeks notice, but then they said 8 weeks after that deadline had passed, so we did it ourselves - dead easy & saved plenty). Wedding itself cost about £200 for location (Show cave in Harrison's cave) and the official

absnasm

Absolutely not. It's a preposterous idea. Attending a wedding as a guest costs a fortune as it is - outfits, travel, gifts, accommodation, drinks, not to mention pre-wedding expenses like stag/hen weekends abroad which seem to have become the norm rather than a night on the tiles. I'm all for people getting married, I think it's lovely, but brides and grooms need to remember that their day just isn't as important to anyone else as it is to them, and to expect someone else to shell out hundreds to enable you to celebrate in a style you yourself can't afford is just cheeky.

What's more, it's detracting from the whole idea of what marriage means - it's about the two of you loving each other, not a lavish party. My parents married in secret, with two witnesses. They don't even have wedding photos, and my mum has no engagement ring. But 35 years later they're still happy as can be. If you really love each other you don't need to pay £75 a head to prove it.

fruitbat_2

I think what we're forgetting here is that any kind of wedding gift is optional, people spend a lot of money on travel, clothes etc to be able to celebrate your wedding day with you, and if they want to buy a gift, that's great, but shouldn't in any way be expected. So it's not asking for money 'instead of a gift' it's the fact that you're asking for anything at all that is wrong.
When we got married we did set up a wedding list, because we, rightly or wrongly, expected that some people would want to buy us gifts for our home. But we didn't mention it in the invitations, we waited for people to ask us or our parents what we'd like as a wedding gift, then directed them to John Lewis - which meant that we got something we wanted, and those who chose to, could buy something they knew we'd like. A few people gave us cash or gifts they'd chosen themselves and we were very grateful for all of it (and yes everyone got a thank you letter).
It seems the done thing these days to put in gift cards or ask for money 'towards our new home/honeymoon/whatever.' but we don't give cash on principle, we generally buy a department store voucher so we at least know they'll be buying something with it, rather than just us paying for our own meal at the reception. I heartily agree that if you can't fund your own wedding you need to rethink your plans. Why start married life trying to be someone you're not,with a big flash party that you can't afford, just to impress your friends? If they're not happy with who you are they shouldn't be there.