Is it possible to have a 'private' funeral?

hcb42

Families don't see each other for months on end, or years on end, even when fit and well.

If one of my family members or close friends died and even if I hadnt seen them for a few years, I would still want to attend the funeral.

Ironically it is often the time when families do at last get together. Rightly or wrongly it happens to many

pollypenny

BobQ wrote: »

You do realise that dementia happens progressively don't you? Having dementia does not mean that you have no lucid moments. in the earlier stages!

Edit: Rob makes a valid point about causing distress to the dementia sufferer. But this just shows that all cases are different and dementia affects people in different ways.

Yes, if course, I do, thank you!

However, no one is likely to be in a home until the dementia is well established.

There is no reason to think that friends did not visit until the gentleman was in a home.

pollypenny

carolwat wrote: »

Pollypenny how can you say that its pointless visiting someone with dementia. That is dreadful. My nana has dementia, she doesnt know who I am but I still know who she is. Do I just abandon her now just because she doesnt know me? It can actually be stimulating for an old friend to visit because sometimes my nana can remember things from years ago.

Growler I agree with you in that that others get upset because they are not recognised. Family who hadnt seen my nana in years turned up at the hospital when we thought she was dying and had to cheek to be upset because she didnt recognise them. Perhaps if they had bothered to visit during the previous years they would have come to accept that she wouldnt recognise them and it wouldnt have been such a shock.

The visitors, or non visitors may have considered it pointless to visit. You have acknowledged that they may be upset,

Edit to add: as for my experience, read what I said about visiting my lovely neighbour.

madbadrob

Polly no one is saying you are wrong but your views are not the only views which is what Bob and I were pointing out. Your post came across as though you was exasperated and this was why I replied.

Rob

rpc

pollypenny wrote: »

However, no one is likely to be in a home until the dementia is well established.

My gran was. She had good spells and bad spells. She moved from supported accommodation into a home when she thought she didn't have long left (as if! stubborn as a mule and defied all expectations) because she wanted to die in the same town she spent most of her life with my grandpa.

For years she was mostly fine, but needed help with certain tasks that precluded independent living. It started that we could spend most of a day with her when she first moved into the home. Then a few hours was OK, until she started getting tired and confused. Then we had to stop going because she got so frustrated at not understanding. She died about a year after this - my dad still went every weekend (Scotland to Sussex) so she still recognised him but she couldn't cope with the rest of us.

Everyone is different. Just because the best place for you to live is a home, doesn't mean you have totally lost your faculties.

Newly_retired

Going back to the OP's situation, you can have a private funeral in that if the details are not advertised, nobody will know when or where it is.
If that's what the family want and what the deceased would have wanted, then go ahead.
You could do what we have done for two family members in recent years: a committal and burial for family only, then back to church for a full service of thanksgiving where are all welcome.
It worked well in both cases for different reasons: the family could mourn in a private moment, then share in the celebration of a life.
The lack of a coffin puzzled some people, but it made the second service easier in so many ways. Lots of people, not just family , were involved in the service - a true celebration.

madbadrob

Newly_retired wrote: »

Going back to the OP's situation, you can have a private funeral in that if the details are not advertised, nobody will know when or where it is.

However they are advertised at the church or crem on the day of the funeral however this would require them checking every church and crem in the area

Rob

Pricivius

My mum is insisting on a private funeral when the time comes - she just wants her three kids there and that's it. She's fully active both mentally and physically and this has been her wish for a long time. Having attended numerous funerals, she does not want people turning up who barely even knew or ever met or, singing her praises or lauding her name. She has seen alot of falseness at funerals and it's not for her. Our plan is not to tell anyone when the time comes, hopefully many years from now. If people are upset by this, then I will tell them it's what she wanted and what she has wanted for many years.

As an aside regarding dementia sufferers, it is worth noting that not all dementias are the same. I cared for my step-father for the last four years of his life and he recognised me until the very day he died. He virtually lost the ability to speak and was often unable to reply to questions with anything more than a nod or shake of the head, but he never forgot who we were or failed to identify any member of his family. He positivey lit up when we visited and would sing with us and laugh at family stories and jokes. Every family member is different in how they handle such a situation, but every sufferer is different too.

Person_one

carolwat wrote: »

Rob I think you will find that polly never stated she was in that position herself just that she thought it was pointless visiting a dementia sufferer.

I dont need to consider whether it is heartbreaking for the visitor because I know first hand how upsetting it is. My point is that if people visit they get used to it and come to accept thats how it is. They have no right to stay away for years, turn up at the death bed and then complain that the person doesnt recognise them.

My nana has never been frustrated or upset by visitors and she is very badly affected by dementia. She enjoys the company whether she knows who I am or not.

I agree they have no right to complain, but I think its entirely natural to be upset that an old friend doesn't know who are you if its come as a shock.

People have all sorts going on in their own lives. I'm thinking of my grandparents who are in their eighties as are their peers of course. If they tried to regularly visit everybody they've known and cared about over the decades who now has dementia or is ill in a nursing home, they'd never have time to see their close family or have a social life.

Also, not everybody is cut out for coping with dementia, it can be a really rotten thing to have to deal with. Finding it too tough and needing to take a step back doesn't mean you're a bad person.

To the OP, I'd say don't make any decisions out of 'spite' or a sense of grievance. I can well understand that its tempting to right now, but I think you might regret it later. Think of your relative before the dementia and whether they would have wanted a good turnout of lots of people who cared about them and knew them at their best, or the small funeral you're hoping for.

carolpinkdreamer

Hello again, thank you all for your opinions. You have given me lots to think about. I have decided to stick with the quiet funeral because it is what he wanted and also reflects how we feel. If anyone complains I will politely suggest they arrange their own event to celebrate his life.
Thanks again for your opinions x