Is it possible to have a 'private' funeral?

pollypenny

Not much experience of dementia, growler, but I did used to visit my neighbour after his stroke. I found it hard to talk to this once dignified older man, same age as my father, as if he was a 5 year old.

Maybe the other family and friends should have visited. However, they did know the deceased and it's normal to attend his funeral to pay respect.

Armchair23

It's not the slightest bit unusual these days to have a 'funeral' that isn't publicised, doesn't invite mourners, receive flowers and is private.

People would need to know when and where it was happening to just turn up. It may be at a Church, Crematorium or Burial Ground. If they are that keen then maybe you can't prevent it, but it would require some effort on their part.

If you are content that you are following your relatives wishes and those of the few who visited I see no reason why you should try to satisfy the wishes of comparative strangers.

I also don't think it's down to you to organise a wake or memorial service unless it's something you and your late relative would have wanted.

If people are sincere in their wish to mark your relatives death they can either mark it individually or group together and hold a wake themselves.

While we all used to go out in pretty much the same way, in a coffin, with a hymn and a prayer and as many mourners as we could muster. It's not the way that everyone chooses to do it now and I don't think you should feel obliged to do this because it would please someone else.

I'm very sorry for your loss and hope however you mark the death of a loved one you will find some comfort.

carolwat

Pollypenny how can you say that its pointless visiting someone with dementia. That is dreadful. My nana has dementia, she doesnt know who I am but I still know who she is. Do I just abandon her now just because she doesnt know me? It can actually be stimulating for an old friend to visit because sometimes my nana can remember things from years ago.

Growler I agree with you in that that others get upset because they are not recognised. Family who hadnt seen my nana in years turned up at the hospital when we thought she was dying and had to cheek to be upset because she didnt recognise them. Perhaps if they had bothered to visit during the previous years they would have come to accept that she wouldnt recognise them and it wouldnt have been such a shock.

growler834

pollypenny wrote: »

Not much experience of dementia, growler, but I did used to visit my neighbour after his stroke. I found it hard to talk to this once dignified older man, same age as my father, as if he was a 5 year old.

Maybe the other family and friends should have visited. However, they did know the deceased and it's normal to attend his funeral to pay respect.

Why can't people show their respect while someone is still alive & visit them , rather than wait until they're dead?

growler834

Carol - unfortunately people don't know about dementia until it happens to their loved one. Thoughtless, ill-informed remarks can be very upsetting for those who live every day with this terrible disease. All the best to you & your nana.

carolwat

Well people should know because its becoming more and more common. I just struggle to understand how anyone can say its pointless visiting anyone. Does the same apply to people with family members who have brain damage so bad they dont recognise their loved ones anymore? Or someone with a terminal illness, I mean whats the point in visiting, theyre going to die anyway so may aswell stop visiting now.

Thank you growler. Sadly I think she is going to have to go into residential care now for her own good. My aunt lives with her and cares for her but also work part time. During that time my nana goes to a day care unit but shes no idea where home is and I think its causing her more upset because she hasnt got somewhere where she is at constantly so for her own sanity and to give her some consistency its time she went in although its very hard to let go.

madbadrob

Carol,

Are you aware that by visiting someone with dementia can cause more heartache for that person than staying away would? It can frustrate them when they are wondering who the hell this person is in front of them. This distress can continue long after the visit.

You also need to consider that it is also heart breaking for the person visiting as well seeing a loved one who has no recollection of who they are.

I am not saying that people should stop visiting but there are more things to consider and we all have different ways to deal with things. I know if my mum suffered from dementia and went into a home I really dont think I could visit her there. It would kill me inside to see her in that state.

So please dont condone people for making a decision that is a personal choice unless you really have some idea what is happening in their personal lives and more so head space

Rob

carolwat

Rob I think you will find that polly never stated she was in that position herself just that she thought it was pointless visiting a dementia sufferer.

I dont need to consider whether it is heartbreaking for the visitor because I know first hand how upsetting it is. My point is that if people visit they get used to it and come to accept thats how it is. They have no right to stay away for years, turn up at the death bed and then complain that the person doesnt recognise them.

My nana has never been frustrated or upset by visitors and she is very badly affected by dementia. She enjoys the company whether she knows who I am or not.

Armchair23

There's a massive range of thoughts and beliefs in dealing with dementia, death, funerals and everything else.

The OP will only have a little time to sort the practical arrangements so lets not go too off topic.

Lets just hope that their passing can be marked as they would have liked.

BobQ

pollypenny wrote: »

As your relative had dementia, there wouldn't have been a great deal of point in visiting him.

However, people who knew him, and liked him, when he was himself want to pay their respects. That is the normal thing.

Rather than a hole in corner funeral, let them honour your relative.

You do realise that dementia happens progressively don't you? Having dementia does not mean that you have no lucid moments. in the earlier stages!

Edit: Rob makes a valid point about causing distress to the dementia sufferer. But this just shows that all cases are different and dementia affects people in different ways.