Is it possible to have a 'private' funeral?

carolpinkdreamer

Hello, my relative has recently died after several years of dementia and living in a nursing home. During this time only three of us visited him and ensured he had the best care and life possible in his condition. We loved him.
We booked a quiet funeral but people that haven't had any contact with him for years are asking about funeral arrangements. We have politely informed them that it is close family only, no flowers or donations required etc. but some people seem to have taken offence at this.
We have tried to explain that it was his wishes and ours but I feel that some people think we are being mean or nasty. Are we being unreasonable? I would only go to a funeral of somone I was very close to but some of these people that 'wish to pay their respects' had never even met him.

BobQ

If the deceased made this clear in some way I think you should do your best to adhere to his wishes. But its virtually impossible to stop someone attending a ceremony in a public graveyard or crematorium.

Are you sure he wanted this? When someone dies its quite common fo people to want to pay their respects. How do you know they had never met him? The only way I can see of achieving your aim is to move the ceremony to another area and not advertise the fact.

valk_scot

It's very unusual for family to say they don't want other folk at the funeral, though I can see why it might happen in some cases. Also it's very common where I come from to go to funerals say of a friend's parent, even if you didn't know the parent very well, just to show support for your friend and respect. I've gone to neighbours funerals, my mum's friends' funerals, the funeral of my son's teacher etc. I don't do this because I have a fun time at them, I go to show respect for the deceased and to mark their passing. I don't know what I'd think if someone said no, they didn't want me there. Upset? Offended? Probably.


Can I ask why you want a private funeral though? Is it because the people involved stopped visiting him when he was alive? I'm not being critical, I'm firmly of the belief that if there's one time to do what you feel is right for you rather than what's "expected" that's after the death of a loved one.

mum2one

It can happen, it happened to a friend of my fathers, - the man lost his wife 6 mths ago, (left 2 grown up sons (in their 40s)- but both live at home. The father passed away a few months ago, we saw this in the local paper with the furneral director listed, rang them, and they explained it was a private furneral and they had been asked by the one son, that it be a family only event,

Apparently their was only the son there.

---

Not being personal but in a way I agree, my mother use to work in a care home, and any of the residents wouldn't have any visitors any yet, so someone from the home would go to the furneral, an 90% of the time the churches etc would be full from forgotten relatives...

madbadrob

The facts are you can request what you want but funerals are public and anyone can attend. Invites are not required and there is no legal framework in place to stop them. I also believe that people want to say goodbye to friends/loved ones so why stop them? Its the last chance they will get

Rob

pollypenny

As your relative had dementia, there wouldn't have been a great deal of point in visiting him.

However, people who knew him, and liked him, when he was himself want to pay their respects. That is the normal thing.

Rather than a hole in corner funeral, let them honour your relative.

paulineb_2

My gran had a private funeral, just me, my mum and my brother. There were relatives of hers who lived around ten miles away, all could drive, who hadn't bothered to visit in years, probably about 15 years or so (she was housebound and they had to visit her) who were upset that they hadn't been invited to the funeral. We notified friends of hers (who also had health issues and wouldn't have been able to attend) that she had died.

Those were my grans wishes, it was important to us that they were respected.

DigForVictory

By all means have a private funeral - but have a wake or a service of remembrance or something of the like for those who want to remember the man before dementia bit.

It's extra fuss, but you may find the gathering of these folk actually almost pleasant, as they'll likely have happy memories to share.

Nothing will take away or dilute the love.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Those that have passed on, carry no grudges it's only the living that indulge in this favourite past-time! I am sure that he'd be cheered to know that he had not been completely forgotten and for those to mourn what could have been.

If it not too much trouble, give him the send off he would have wished for.

AMD

duchy

I think it's a generational thing to go and pay your respects..... that said if you don't want people to attend -don't tell them when it is and instruct the funeral directors not to release the info.

When my Mum died my brother was adamant he didn't want my cousin there as he had seriously distressed my Mum when she was ill -he had been told specifically NOT to mention something specific to her at a family gathering - Almost the first thing he did was to mention it to her and it really upset her. Two years later my brother still remembered -I'd shrugged it off-the cousin was an idiot (and judging by his recent conversation on FB with his brother still is) and personally I had no issue with him been there or not but I wasn't going to go against my brother's feelings so got lumbered with the uncomfortable task of having to tell his brothers and sister that they couldn't tell him when the funeral was and outright lying to my cousin when he rang. It was stress I could have done without having just lost my Mum - so if family make a specific request-just follow it . It may just be one family member with strong or even irrational feelings at a difficult time -and you can still pay your respects quietly at home at the same time if you feel the need to.

growler834

pollypenny wrote: »

As your relative had dementia, there wouldn't have been a great deal of point in visiting him.

However, people who knew him, and liked him, when he was himself want to pay their respects. That is the normal thing.

Rather than a hole in corner funeral, let them honour your relative.

I ask myself if you have any experience of caring for a person with dementia - and all that that entails pollypenny. Why would there be little point in visiting the OP's relative? The dementia sufferer, at least until the late stage of the disease, can get a lot of stimulation from having visitors - even if they don't recognise the friend or family member. It's the 'visitor' who thinks there is no point - usually because they feel uncomfortable, don't know what to say & feel upset when they are not recognised. So people stay away & leave the carer(s) to shoulder the burden of physical, social & mental contact with the sufferer. Anyone who only 'liked him when he was himself' is a selfish way of looking at it.

Having been in this position for 4 years with my MIL I can understand where the OP is coming from. MIL had lots of friends & a reasonable sized family until she started with dementia & then one by one they dropped away. The last few months of life were spent in a nursing home & her only visitors were me & my hubby (her son). I could so easily have arranged a private funeral & beggar her so-called friends & relatives but she was such a sociable lady that she would have wanted a good send off so my personal feelings had to take a back seat. But if that is how the OP feels I will not criticise her.