Depression Support Thread

Miroslav

gillette147 wrote: »

*Groan*

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?p=7295605#post7295605

Hope you get it sorted. Sadly most bosses are complete !!!!!$

Miroslav

juno wrote: »

On Saturday I ate my first ever apple

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

First?

Ever?

Seriously?

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Stephb1986_2

Thanks everyone, we did invite his dad so he wouldnt be on his own, his sister has 3 kids under 10 and are right animals, his mum and dad are separated so that was a no no, i just wanted christmas to be perfect and now its not

i can understand him being tired but we went to bed on friday night at 9pm! i gave him my heart and soul and i trusted him now i have nothing left in me to give

he said he's the one with the problem and its not my fault, he needs to sort himself out. so i dont know if he'll want me back

meyore

Hi all hope you're ok.

Got to go to my Christmas do tonight after all. I drove myself in and my boss offered to drop me home, so I got to have a drink. Shes going to pick me up tomorrow morning so I can get to work. Very nice of her :A

Had some nice chats with a lot of the people I work with which was nice.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to take the new job now. Suddenly they can't match the pay offer anymore... Oh well.

Xx

rose07

OK so I promised I would tell you about whats going on in rosie world.

For those that don’t know about my background heres a brief recap, I was always the black sheep, in crowds, in the family, and esp in school, I was bullied, I was abused, I was hurt soo severely, when I was 4, I was abused by my uncles brother, it went on till I was 11, through this time, family life became exhausting and stressful, constant arguing and fighting, with my mum releasing her anger onto me, I cant think how many bruises and scalds I got just from her channelling her anger. I SH a lot when I was younger, doing anything to let the pain out, to release how I was feeling. Through the time from when I was 11 I was kidnapped, I was in a bomb scare, and lots a other things that make ya wonder what world we are living in. I went to see a counsellor for the first time when I went to college I did my GCSEs again at college, after getting Ds and feeling like a failure even tho I worked as hard as I could.


I began to drink heavily, and became an alcoholic, bringing drink into college, just to get my fix of a drink, I went into drugs, I went down a very dark path indeed. Then I went onto my media course at college. I stopped drinking soo much and stopped drugs too. But I still wasn’t right, half way into the 1st year I had a bit of a break down, my health went downhill, I kept collapsing, and no one knew why, I couldn’t remember collapsing, and I would always loose conciousness. Tests were done, and they ruled out all the likely things, epilepsy, panic attack, faints, narcolepsy, etc…my health continued to get worse and I got weak. But I kept at my studies, and kept going, I got through my 1st year with merits, and even got the award for most promising media student. Then I went into my 2nd year, but my best friend Sophie that I made friends with left to go to uni. I felt very alone, and turned to my tutor for support he was brilliant, a real star, he sent me to see the college counsellor, but it didn’t work out, when I was talking to her, and she would know the people I was talking about, just didn’t seem right, esp with the comments she would say. So I stopped seeing her, I was still SHing during this time, and I just got deeper and deeper,
I buried myself in my studies, and kept at it, I loved it tho, doing editing or developing my photos in the darkroom, was a real good feelin, as you felt like you had achieved something, you could see the results shining through. I made some new friends from the 1st year and we were close enough, but halfway through the 2nd year, mikey one of those friends, came into college with blades, and was in such a vulnerable state. He was shakin, and kept saying he couldn’t cope, and wanted to end his life, well rosie knew this feelin all too well. Another friend came along and tried to talk to him, but it seemed to make things worse as he turned the blades onto her, then I dunno what but something made me throw myself in line with the blades :eek:so my mate was no longer in danger, she ran to get help, then mikey, turned and ran out off the door crying, I immediately ran after him knowin he still had the blades and could do damage with them. I caught up with him, halfway down the road, Somehow I managed to get the blades of him, and he fell into my arms, we talked and I told him to go home and ring his gp asap. But then I realised I now had the blades and was in danger myself, I didn’t trust myself, I ran right into college, up the stairs to my tutor, told him what had happened, and how he better take he blades or I would do something, he took them from me and sat me down and talked to me.. Later on in the same year, I took an overdose, it was around this time, I was in college, and my tutor found me lying on the floor, he did all the right things. I struggled by the months to get my diploma, but I still kept collapsing on a weekly basis, no one knew why, and at times I would become very weak, and vulnerable. At the end of the year I got the award for the best media student, and also was offered work experience on various films, where I met the stars.


Then I went to uni, I felt great, a chance to get away and break free, the first few weeks were going great, I made loads of friends, I joined the football team and it felt great, I would be out with my mates most nights, living the uni life as it were. But then in October of that year, I was sexually assaulted one night when I had been drinking, I still blame myself, some people think it’s the person who drinks that’s to blame, but I seen a counsellor and she told me it wasn’t my fault, it was the 4 guys that hurt me that were to blame. I was up till 7am with the police giving them a statement and them taking my clothes away, made me feel soo dirty and just wrong. I couldn’t get my head round what was going on. Few weeks later I got in a relationship with a girl, my first gf, and it was love , but maybe not the right time, we had a good time through November, tho there were still stresses with uni and ups and downs in relationship. So I came home for Christmas, around this time, I seen a family friend one night, and well, I don’t think I have ver told you this, but I got drunk and he ended up assaulting me, I have to admit, I try never to think about it, but each time this time of year comes round I cant help but think about it. He was meant to be a friend of the family not a sleeze!!! He really did hurt me.

I went back to uni, not telling anyone about it, then I realised I had to tell my gf, I don’t think she took it too well, as she seen me as cheating on her, and our relationship got worse, we ended up in arguments, and little fights. And I started to become very vulnerable to the point she became controlling, we were on the same course, and in the 2nd year we moved into a house together, my friends drifted away as I became soo low I couldn’t think, all I could do was keep at my studies, I started to abuse my body again, drinking, and SHing. Then I realised what was getting to me, my gf had such a hold on me, if I would go out, she would wait up, if I was out she would text every little while, she was like a keeper/mum not a gf, we started going round in circles in our relationship, she suffered from depression, and I was trying my best to be there for her, then in the 3rd year it all got too much, I got to breaking point after a was assaulted by a customer at work, I took an overdose the day after and the day after my gf split up with me, it hit me for six, but somehow I kept going, we were still living together because of our contract on house, and we were still on the same course so we still seen each other each day, the friends we had sided with her, and I became isolated again, I had stopped the football team, and lost all contact with my mates. By this time, I didn’t know how or where I was. I began to realise again that I needed some friends, so I joined the football team again, where the friends I had made in the 1st year became b1tchy towards me, I made new friends with 2nd years, and even made friends with some people at work, I got back into going out, and I got a new bf, but it didn’t feel right bringen hi back to the house when my ex gf was right there, I still felt something for her, so I ended it. At the end of my 3rd year in May I had a complete breakdown, don’t know what the final straw was, I just remember having a massive argument and smashing things.
I ended up walking out the house and not coming back till 11 the next day, I was missin during that time, I cant even remember what happened, I just remember going into a state where I had no control, I was empty, I remember walking and walking, till I couldn’t walk no more, I got back to my house somehow the next day, I stank, as I musta slept ruff, so I went for a shower, next thing I remember is thuddin on the door ‘ rosie is that you?’


I got out the shower and opened the door to find my ex standin there, she said thank god your ok, or something like that, and next the police came knockin on the door. Turns out that when I left the house that night and didn’t come back, someone raised the alarm I don’t know who, but someone did, and because of my health and my mental state the police had to get involved straight away, my ex gf got a call from them saying had she seen me, and that they needed to come to the house to look for any clues of where I might be and to see a picture of me. So when I got out of the shower, and the police knocked on the door, that was them coming to see if they could find something. I was standing there in just a towel, and started to shake, as I the police man told me how lucky I must have been to survive a night on the street in sunderland on a Thursday night, and it was a night there was football on so one of the madest nights I coulda been out. The thing I couldn’t understand was what had happened, I hadn’t been drinking or taken drugs, I just lost 12 hours of my life, I couldn’t remember anything apart from pavements I seen. That day I had to go see the student nurse and welfare officer, the nurse got me an emergency appointment with my gp that same day, I seen a locum gp, and she was lovely, I was shaking, and soo confused, she said that I needed support and some help.
That’s when I was introduced to the crisis team, they would come round each day to help and talk to me. 2 weeks went by where I hadn’t eaten and barely slept, and it was about a month till the end of the year, I seen no point in eating, I couldn’t sleep, but I could work, so I stayed late at uni getting my work done, and even helping others to get there exhibitions done and there work, I became the most skilled person in editing in the department that the tutors and the students were asking me what they had to do.




It felt good to help them. I was also one of the producers of the exhibition catalogue, there was a lot of stress and hard work that went into it, as I was working alongside my ex, but somehow we managed to keep going and get the job done. I then went away to Scotland for 2 weeks, as we had two weeks before our exhibitions, My ex helped with putting my exhibition together, I even had help from my tutor and just everyone, everyone helped everyone to get there exhibitions done, my dad came up to put together a wall and a shelf to put my projector on, we had to paint our whole spaces white, which took forever, I was producing a video and a series of images. You walked through a kind of corridor which had my images on, and then into a darkened room which I had help in making from scratch, and in there was my video, with a bench at the side where people could sit, and look at it.

It came to the week where we opened the exhibition, first in the afternoon, all the VIPs came around to look at the work we had done, these were people like the mayor, exhibition curators, and other artists. Then that night we opened, I spend most my time running all over the place, lol, getting more catalogues, more champagne for people and keeping and eye on the area I was in, very stressful but it went very fast. It was great to look at what I had done, and be finally proud of how much I had done. :DA couple of days later the friends I had stayed with in Glasgow came down to look at my exhibition, which meant soo much to me, they are like an auntie and uncle, but not because they aren’t lol, but they were there when I was born, and I have kept in touch with them for 23 years lol, they said that the exhibition was amazing and took me out for a meal with my ma, was lovely. :j

Then in June we had our graduation, and omg soo emotional, and I stayed with a friend I never knew I had, she straightened my hair, and her husband ran us to the graduation that was in the stadium of light. We seen everyone else, and I seen my family, we went and got our robes and then before we knew it we were sitting in alphabetical order ready to be told our names. The my name was read out, and I went on the stage, :T I got my bit a paper and shook all the important peoples hands, one said to me, well done. Later I seen my tutor, who had been soo supportive to me during my time there, I said “ thank you soo much for your all you have done” he said, “ its my pleasure, im soo proud of you”. I then went over to my family, to see my gran crying with soo much joy, whahey I was the 1st one of the kids to get a degree. Se said she was the proudest granny, she had told all her bingo friends about me. I ended by getting a 2:1 overall, which I think is !!!!!! amazing!

So that was up to July last year

Hope im not boring ya all, and that ya keeping up :rotfl::rotfl:


Ok now I come to things atm. . .

Things have started to get on top of me, from October through to January is the worst time for me, with anniversary of certain dates, mainly the two assaults that happened to me in the same year with only 2 months between them, this time of year, its all about family, but its hard to be soo cheerful, when you have soo many things inside of you. I never thought that person could hurt me in the way they did, guess you never know what someone is thinking. Things started to get hard in October when it was the anniversary of the 1st assault, I know you should just not dwell on things, but I cant help thinking, its all I seem to do sometimes, so with the anniversary of that, things were hard, I became low again, and started to take risks. One example was when I was waiting to cross a road, a child ran out infront of me, I seen he wasn’t going to make it soo ran out on the road, managed to push him to one side, only to end up in hospital myself,

didn’t say anything at the time bout it, coz I didn’t see it as a big deal, I guess when you are low you don’t see the good things. Then it was the anniversary of an ex bf of mine hanging himself I still blame myself for that too. He just got soo deep in the water with drugs it all got too much, he couldn’t pay people back and ended up in very deep trouble. So then I had meningitis, a very mild case I want to point out, but still, it kind of shook me for six, I was very very weak at the time, my gp said I was lucky. Then recently I found out a good friend of mine has a tumour, my heart sank as he is such a lovely person, its like you say mumma, it always happened to the best of peeps, so I have been trying my best to be there for him. I think that’s all I can do. Im doing my best to get some time off so I can go over and see him, and It will prob be good for me to getaway as well. Then I found out about my mate I was in hospital with committing suicide, now that was only a few weeks ago, but it hit me for six, my PTSD was tryna creep back, along with my bi polar and kinda schizo things, but im battling through, I seen my psychiatrist on Friday and she gave me more medication, think I said. I have been struggling a lot lately, and ive had my clitches. But I keep fighting back, dunno what it is inside me but I think I have my nanas fighting spirit. I miss my nana dearly, she was my guardian, and now she is my guardian angel, she was there for me soo much and I loved her soo much, I will never forget her.

So now ya know a bit bout why ive been finding it hard, but as we all know, when things get on top of you, you cant see the good/positive and you just fall deeper.
When it takes a lot to turn it on its head and see the good things.

I think Saturday when I was out tho, I realised im not alone, I do have friends, and I do have a family, ok so maybe not ideal, and not always around, but still I know they are there. So if anything did happen to me, there would be repercussions of that, not to mention me having to explain myself to Tiff and the rest of yas. :rotfl:

Sorry this has been soo long, Hope you didn’t all fall asleep

I know we can all make it, we just gotta keep fighting, and i know alot of us are having tough times atm, so my heart goes out to you, and hope that ya can find some warmth and strength in knowing that your not alone, and you will get there, we are all fighters we just need to find it from within



take care everyone

much love and huggles
xxxx

meyore

Miroslav wrote: »

:wave: Sure I remember. Not sure how I have ever helped anyone on here though. I'm not the most easy person with words. I don't post often in number of visits, but when I do arrive, I tend to post alot of replies!

I appreciate not everyone is sorted. It's hard to explain what I meant. Alot of people seem to be able to get out to work, meet people and make friends and I can't do those things easily - I wish I could!

I don't like people getting close to me either. I believe once they get to know my baggage/problems, they won't accept me.

I understand what you are saying, I guess i'm used to death and destruction and can never see a future where something lasts as i'm used to things going badly wrong.

Anyway, hope you are well and you post more frequently

Ah sure you helped me, made me feel comfortable, I can tell you're a nice guy.

I know what you mean, I'm just not the best at expressing it either. For some people those things are easy, but most people are just good actors. Looking at it in some ways, a lot of people are fake I guess.

It is hard to be positive when you're depressed.

Xx

rose07

ok better get to bed, sorry the above soo long



to everyone



take care of yaselves and each other

na nite

much love and huggles
xxxxxxxxxx

meyore

Miroslav wrote: »

Hope you got to sleep. I know Wet Wet Wet would send me to sleep :rotfl:

Its comfort music, I was about 8 when these songs were in the charts

meyore

shazrobo wrote: »

hi meyore glasd you had a good weekend with your OH. i remember wet wet wet might have to buy that album, used to have pics of mati pellow all over my bedroom wall when i was younger:p
have you made a decision about the job yet?
i'm feeling ok today, not crying today which is a good start, its the evenings i find worse they are so lonely and i miss him terribly, then i usually cry myself to sleep.
big hugs
shaz x

Hey, hope you're alright.

I know its not the same, but when OH was first away (well until very recently if I'm very honest) I cried myself to sleep every night. It wasn't any good for either of us for me to be like that. I thought my heart was breaking and it must've hurt him to think of me like that. I'm trying to keep on top of it and be positive now.

I think its a no with the job.

Listening to my Wet Wet Wet again-relaxing music.

Xx

meyore

Rose I don't know what to say-I think you're amazing for coping with all that crap, I don't think I could.

Heres a hug Xx