Marriage Concerns

Orlando_Virgin

Sorry, I guess I have seperate concerns that intertwine, just not explained it very well.

1. My parents seem to have doubts about my sister, as I do, about her volatility and lasting in relationships, so will the marriage last, as I think no matter who she tries to settle down with, it will rear it's head. I HOPE I'm wrong, and I HOPE it's just misguided concern from previous.

2. There is a stronger doubt from my Dad, who is a pessimist at the best of times, which is also feeding in to him seeming to be a bit resentful about spending so much on this wedding.

3. My Dad has views that the amount of money spent on weddings these days is a waste anyway, where my Mum is more realistic I guess and is willing to contribute more.

4. All I am saying is that recently there seems to be more and more tension when I go round about this subject and I don't like seeing that, that's all. I'm not getting involved or asking for a solution, just venting a bit and getting an outsider view.

paulineb_2

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

Morning!

Had a really interesting conversation at my Mum and Dad's whilst I was visiting the other day, just wanted to get people's views on it really. Basically, my sister is getting married in October, she's 27 and so is her fiancee. They both have children from previous relationships and now live together in rented accommodation, have done for around 6 months.

They've been together about 2 years and seem to be very happy, indeed, the point of this post is not to judge or say it won't work, just giving you the background.

My sis is a great person, good job, works hard, good laugh but bloody hard work. She has always been pretty moody and temperamental (thank my Dad) and pretty volatile. She has had 2-3 long term relationships before this one that all ended in a similar way, she gets bored or fed up and starts to drift etc., before moving on.

Her fiancee is a great guy, quite calm, laid back, but does have a bit of a temper on him. All the families have met etc, everything on paper is fine!

Heeeeeeeere's the catch! My Mum and Dad are shelling out pretty much most of the wedding costs, and they've been arguing quite a bit recently about how much money is being spent on one day (they had their wedding with just family and close friends and a 3 day honeymoon in the Lakes) and it seems like a bit of doubt and resentment is coming from my Dad around spending that amount of money when there's a good chance it will end up like the rest of her relationships etc. and that he just hopes it ends up sticking.

I'm 29 and single it has to be said, and if you've seen my previous posts I'm hardly the one to ask HAHA! But I must admit I have this underlying worry and feeling that she will be too much to handle over the long run. I hope to god it lasts, and I also worry that if it doesn't, what it will do to the relations between my Dad and sister. (Who are VERY similar characters)

Seems to be causing a lot of tension at my parents' house at the moment and it's been playing on my mind!

Well why don't your parents say to your sister, we'll pay x amount and the rest is up to you, ie pay for a smaller wedding and if they want a bigger one they fund the rest themselves.

Actually, I had a friend whose parents paid ten grand around 25 years ago for the wedding when the relationship had been unravelling for the last 6 months (due to the grooms behaviour), she went ahead with it, it lasted 3 months and I bet they weren't best pleased, but I bet they were happier that she had ended the relationship and found happiness with someone else, which she did.

There are no guarantees in this life. The couple could toddle off to a registry office and have a wedding that doesn't cost a lot, or they could have a big wedding and fund it themselves.

Your dad doesn't need to be paying for any of this and if the money isn't being given without concerns then he needs to have a rethink. If he doesn't want to spend a large sum of money, he doesn't need to. That's the very bottom line.

If my (adult) brother was getting married, Id wish him well and let him get on with it.

Orlando_Virgin

paulineb wrote: »

Well why don't your parents say to your sister, we'll pay x amount and the rest is up to you, ie pay for a smaller wedding and if they want a bigger one they fund the rest themselves.

Actually, I had a friend whose parents paid ten grand around 25 years ago for the wedding when the relationship had been unravelling for the last 6 months (due to the grooms behaviour), she went ahead with it, it lasted 3 months and I bet they weren't best pleased, but I bet they were happier that she had ended the relationship and found happiness with someone else, which she did.

There are no guarantees in this life. The couple could toddle off to a registry office and have a wedding that doesn't cost a lot, or they could have a big wedding and fund it themselves.

Your dad doesn't need to be paying for any of this and if the money isn't being given without concerns then he needs to have a rethink. If he doesn't want to spend a large sum of money, he doesn't need to. That's the very bottom line.

If my (adult) brother was getting married, Id wish him well and let him get on with it.

I do wish them well, and I am letting them get on with it. I'm not getting involved which is why I have voiced my opinion well away from there and on here. It's all it is, observations I have made. I have no intention of doing anything other than helping out wherever I can, turning up and enjoying their day and myself!

I think you're right. The problem is he's giving his money with concerns, and it's causing a bit of resentment. I have little doubt that before the wedding his temper will get the better of him and he'll have a snide dig or whatever. Sometimes he talks positively of it all, and his speech and how it will be a good day, and others really negatively.

He's retired recently as well, so has a lot more time to think on his hands.

duchy

She's twenty seven and a mature woman with children. They are living together and waited eighteen months before doing so so hardly rushed into it.
If your Dad doesn't want to pay or if he is feels it's too much for one day then instead of grumbling to you and your Mum he should be discussing it with his daughter and her fiance. If he's made promises already to pay for X and Y without realizing how expensive this is going to be-then he should say so. If he's resentful she's going to pick up on it.

Plenty of people make mistakes and go on to make wonderful marriages -in fact often we learn from our mistakes SO we make better choices in the future.

Often quite "high maintenance" partners do well with laid back partners who let them rattle on -but can when needed put their foot down-I don't understand all this "it looks OK on paper" What does your gut tell you - are they happy, do they work well as a team ?

Frankly in your shoes I'd leave well alone -it's between your parents and the couple and none of your business really. If your Dad has genuine doubts about the relationship it's up to him to decide if he's going to raise those doubts with the people directly concerned or keep quiet. If you are thought to be interfering by your sister -it may damage your relationship with her long after your Dad has got over it.
Think how you'd feel if you were getting married and then discovered in a temperamental spat with your Dad that your sister had been undermining you and your marriage behind your back (the way you describe your Dad and sister this sounds like a real possibility )

You've given no real reasons that make sense as to why this marriage may not work out . Your Dad is an adult-let him make his own decisions .... Odds are he's gasping a bit at the costs and if it was suggested he told his daughter he didn't want to pay as he felt they weren't in it for the long haul he'd be horrified. Genuine doubts and Dadzilla moments are not the same thing after all lots of men are gobsmacked at what are considered essential for weddings. If he feels she is been too extravagant (with his money) he needs to sit down and talk to her.

Best advice...... Keep out of it. Your Dad and your sister probably both thrive on a bit of drama and most weddings have a row or two between parents about the costs at some point. Having too much time to think probably has a lot to do with it ....my Dad chewed everything over and it all came out on the morning of the wedding .....in the wedding car. He got into a complete panic -"what if the caterers haven't shown up, what if the celebrant doesn't show up to do the ceremony///what if the groom doesn't show up <!!> blah blah" This was with me on our way to the ceremony-I could have happily strangled him LOL . I told him it'd all be fine and thankfully the driver heard and distracted my Dad by talking about football. Not my idea of a cosy Dad Daughter journey to the ceremony - but hey-I just laughed -what else could I do.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

Let your parents worry about themselves and spend your time and energy planning a lovely hen night out for your sister.

Orlando_Virgin

duchy wrote: »

She's twenty seven and a mature woman with children. They are living together and waited eighteen months before doing so so hardly rushed into it.
If your Dad doesn't want to pay or if he is feels it's too much for one day then instead of grumbling to you and your Mum he should be discussing it with his daughter and her fiance. If he's made promises already to pay for X and Y without realizing how expensive this is going to be-then he should say so. If he's resentful she's going to pick up on it.

Plenty of people make mistakes and go on to make wonderful marriages -in fact often we learn from our mistakes SO we make better choices in the future.

Often quite "high maintenance" partners do well with laid back partners who let them rattle on -but can when needed put their foot down-I don't understand all this "it looks OK on paper" What does your gut tell you - are they happy, do they work well as a team ?

Frankly in your shoes I'd leave well alone -it's between your parents and the couple and none of your business really. If your Dad has genuine doubts about the relationship it's up to him to decide if he's going to raise those doubts with the people directly concerned or keep quiet. If you are thought to be interfering by your sister -it may damage your relationship with her long after your Dad has got over it.
Think how you'd feel if you were getting married and then discovered in a temperamental spat with your Dad that your sister had been undermining you and your marriage behind your back (the way you describe your Dad and sister this sounds like a real possibility )

You've given no real reasons that make sense as to why this marriage may not work out . Your Dad is an adult-let him make his own decisions .... Odds are he's gasping a bit at the costs and if it was suggested he told his daughter he didn't want to pay as he felt they weren't in it for the long haul he'd be horrified. Genuine doubts and Dadzilla moments are not the same thing after all lots of men are gobsmacked at what are considered essential for weddings. If he feels she is been too extravagant (with his money) he needs to sit down and talk to her.

Brilliant post and thank you, you've hit the nail on the head with a lot of things. I do worry she'll pick up on his resentment and she'll feel that way!

I do want to re-iterate though, I see NO reason why this wouldn't work, only her track record, it might well last the distance which I bloody hope it does. I am NOT involved, or have any interest in getting involved with the financial side of it, what my parents choose to do etc. I have just observed a bit of tension and stress building up about it and just wanted to air it that's all.

duchy

Getting married at 27 I'm be more worried if she didn't have a couple of failed relationships behind her. They help us realize when we DO find the right relationship .

Hopefully we've reassured you ...... and the vent helped

(Your family sound a bit like mine....lovely but there are times you need to know to let them get on with it and stand well back )

All wedding build ups have an element of stress -it's expensive, it's on full view to everyone important to the family and it's a day parents have been anticipating since the day a daughter was born ...... if there wasn't some stress it'd be odd

bylromarha

Weddings are expensive - and you mention your sister is in debt.

If she's happy to let your parents fork out on "one day" but she has a pile of debt, I'd be having words with sister about money management and scaling back the wedding as she needs to realise we can't always afford what we want.

If I were in debt, my wedding would be as cheap as I could make it, not 70 for a meal, then 120 for an evening do. I'd have LOVED our wedding to have had more guests, or be bigger, or somewhere grander, or more flouncey, but we didn't have the funds so it wasn't. Still have amazing memories of the day and it was in every way perfect.

Your sister needs to wake up and smell the hummous in regard her finances.

Vicky123

Parents should or shouldn't contribute to a wedding based on whether they can afford to and is something they would like to do.
My parents didn't pay anything towards my wedding, they just didn't want to, no excuses about thinking it might not last, after all it isn't a financial investment they're making.
If they want to help they should discuss how much they are prepared to contribute and leave all supposed concerns about the relationship out of it.

FBaby

I think 2 years is more than enough time to make your mind up and get hitched, especially as they're not young young.

I don't agree, as a matter of fact, I think it takes longer as you get older. My partner and I waited 5 years, 3 after we moved in. I can definitely say that I have learnt to know my partner most months after we moved in together. Initially, all was lovey dovey. Even after we moved it, it was all excitment. It's when we settled in our lives, that the kids started to get on my partner's nerve, that I started finding his OCD not so great after all (to start with, what a treat to be with someone who was tidy), it's when my partner really notice how worse off he was financially that our relationship was really tested.

Of course, not everyone is the same, but I think that 6 months living together when there are children from another relationship involved is not at all a long time to be sure it is forever. The fact that they want a big wedding despite the fact they are debts involved doesn't seem bring much confidence in why they want to get married now.