Marriage Concerns

Orlando_Virgin

Morning!

Had a really interesting conversation at my Mum and Dad's whilst I was visiting the other day, just wanted to get people's views on it really. Basically, my sister is getting married in October, she's 27 and so is her fiancee. They both have children from previous relationships and now live together in rented accommodation, have done for around 6 months.

They've been together about 2 years and seem to be very happy, indeed, the point of this post is not to judge or say it won't work, just giving you the background.

My sis is a great person, good job, works hard, good laugh but bloody hard work. She has always been pretty moody and temperamental (thank my Dad) and pretty volatile. She has had 2-3 long term relationships before this one that all ended in a similar way, she gets bored or fed up and starts to drift etc., before moving on.

Her fiancee is a great guy, quite calm, laid back, but does have a bit of a temper on him. All the families have met etc, everything on paper is fine!

Heeeeeeeere's the catch! My Mum and Dad are shelling out pretty much most of the wedding costs, and they've been arguing quite a bit recently about how much money is being spent on one day (they had their wedding with just family and close friends and a 3 day honeymoon in the Lakes) and it seems like a bit of doubt and resentment is coming from my Dad around spending that amount of money when there's a good chance it will end up like the rest of her relationships etc. and that he just hopes it ends up sticking.

I'm 29 and single it has to be said, and if you've seen my previous posts I'm hardly the one to ask HAHA! But I must admit I have this underlying worry and feeling that she will be too much to handle over the long run. I hope to god it lasts, and I also worry that if it doesn't, what it will do to the relations between my Dad and sister. (Who are VERY similar characters)

Seems to be causing a lot of tension at my parents' house at the moment and it's been playing on my mind!

Georgiegirl256

Are your parents paying because they feel it's their 'duty' as parents of the bride? Is it going to be a big wedding? If so, then why isn't your sister and partner paying for the majority of it?

It must be a really awkward situation for your parents (and you) to be in right now. Do you think your sister seems different in this relationship, and that it might have a chance of lasting? Or do you really think it's gonna go the same as all the rest? Maybe your parents should sit her down and tell her of their concerns?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

Your parents are grown ups and can spend their money as they wish, they choose to spend it on your sisters wedding or not, that is their choice.


Do you like your sister? Because it comes across in your post that you would almost be glad if her marriage DID fail.


Marriage is hard enough without that. Be supportive.

Orlando_Virgin

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Are your parents paying because they feel it's their 'duty' as parents of the bride? Is it going to be a big wedding? If so, then why isn't your sister and partner paying for the majority of it?

It must be a really awkward situation for your parents (and you) to be in right now. Do you think your sister seems different in this relationship, and that it might have a chance of lasting? Or do you really think it's gonna go the same as all the rest? Maybe your parents should sit her down and tell her of their concerns?

They are paying as much of it as they can, but she has existing debt problems so they're doing as much as they can. It's a reasonably big wedding, 70 at the do, 120 at the night do. Me personally, I don't think she'll ever change, and although this relationship is "better" than ones I've previously seen her have, she is just so unpredictable. I think it has a better chance of lasting, but sadly, I just don't know. It's a gut feeling.

And being honest, I think it is more of a "duty" thing, than anything else, especially from my Dad's point of view.

I think if they sat her down and tried talking to her about it she would go off the handle. If she thought my parents had concern about the longevity she would snap off.

mummyroysof3

In their situation and this is what my parents did...a set ammount is given for the cour to put towards the wedding then it's upto them to decide how much on total to spend. They could just end up spending a fortune as your sister adds more things to the wedding. Your parents need to be happy and agree together how much to spend IMO.

Orlando_Virgin

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

Your parents are grown ups and can spend their money as they wish, they choose to spend it on your sisters wedding or not, that is their choice.


Do you like your sister? Because it comes across in your post that you would almost be glad if her marriage DID fail.


Marriage is hard enough without that. Be supportive.

Really? I don't mean it to come across that way, it's quite the opposite. I'd be so chuffed for her if she did find that happiness and it lasted. I try my best, I've lent her money, let her live with me in the past, take my nephew out whenever I can so she can work overtime.

I agree it's my parents decision and I've not stated my opinion on paying for anything, it's not my business and I know that. Just concerned me to hear the tone of the conversation they were having between them the other night, it's obviously causing a bit of strain. But then again, don't get me wrong, my parents have been married 32 years, I'm not saying it's something they can't handle.

FBaby

I'm a bit confused at what your issue is? Is it that you are concerned that your parents are putting a lot of money into it, feeling the stress as a result, when you think it might not last and that will be hard on your parents because of the money they put into it?

In the end, it is up to your parents. They have the same facts available to them as you do. It is only a 2 year's relationship, have only lived together for 6 months with children from another relationship. I personally think it is way too early to be confident that they can make it last and if I was your parents, I wouldn't want to put all my money into a wedding at this stage but clearly your parents see it differently. Are they getting stressed because the budget seems to be extending? They need to make it clear how much they've got to give, and any difference needs to be made up by them.

Orlando_Virgin

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

In their situation and this is what my parents did...a set ammount is given for the cour to put towards the wedding then it's upto them to decide how much on total to spend. They could just end up spending a fortune as your sister adds more things to the wedding. Your parents need to be happy and agree together how much to spend IMO.

Unfortunately I don't think they will ever agree on things like that! My Mum will support them too much and if it was up to my Dad they'd have 5 people there and lump it. They work well in that way if that makes sense? It's a difficult one.

laurel7172

I think the problem is mostly between your parents.

Presumably, it's because Mum wants to give her daughter a big wedding that Dad can't simply say "No"? Or "This is our contribution-anything else is up to you."?

I don't think anyone has the right to judge whether this relationship is "worth" a big wedding. But everyone does have the right to put a limit on their financial contribution. Demanding a wedding big enough to put strain on your parents' relationship is unacceptable at any age.

Buzzybee90

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

They are paying as much of it as they can, but she has existing debt problems so they're doing as much as they can. It's a reasonably big wedding, 70 at the do, 120 at the night do. Me personally, I don't think she'll ever change, and although this relationship is "better" than ones I've previously seen her have, she is just so unpredictable. I think it has a better chance of lasting, but sadly, I just don't know. It's a gut feeling.

And being honest, I think it is more of a "duty" thing, than anything else, especially from my Dad's point of view.

I think if they sat her down and tried talking to her about it she would go off the handle. If she thought my parents had concern about the longevity she would snap off.

So she's dumped two people because she got bored, so have 99% of the married population.

Buzzybee90

FBaby wrote: »

I'm a bit confused at what your issue is? Is it that you are concerned that your parents are putting a lot of money into it, feeling the stress as a result, when you think it might not last and that will be hard on your parents because of the money they put into it?

In the end, it is up to your parents. They have the same facts available to them as you do. It is only a 2 year's relationship, have only lived together for 6 months with children from another relationship. I personally think it is way too early to be confident that they can make it last and if I was your parents, I wouldn't want to put all my money into a wedding at this stage but clearly your parents see it differently. Are they getting stressed because the budget seems to be extending? They need to make it clear how much they've got to give, and any difference needs to be made up by them.

I think 2 years is more than enough time to make your mind up and get hitched, especially as they're not young young.