Marriage Concerns

FBaby

It seems the issue that concerns OP is the difference in how his parents feel about it, with his mum quite excited at the prospect whilst his dad is more cynical about it.

I'm not clear if OP's parents just said they would pay for everything or whether they said they were happy to pay up to x amount. If it is the first, they need to agree together what is reasonable. If it is the second, they need to stick to it.

Georgiegirl256

bylromarha wrote: »

Weddings are expensive - and you mention your sister is in debt.

If she's happy to let your parents fork out on "one day" but she has a pile of debt, I'd be having words with sister about money management and scaling back the wedding as she needs to realise we can't always afford what we want.

If I were in debt, my wedding would be as cheap as I could make it, not 70 for a meal, then 120 for an evening do. I'd have LOVED our wedding to have had more guests, or be bigger, or somewhere grander, or more flouncey, but we didn't have the funds so it wasn't. Still have amazing memories of the day and it was in every way perfect.

Your sister needs to wake up and smell the hummous in regard her finances.

Exactly. This might be the reason why the father is feeling resentful? Weddings DO NOT need to be expensive, a wedding in itself can be as expensive, or as cheap as a couple makes it. As the daughter is in debt, if the father is seeing what appears to be a more extravagant wedding than needs be (all the extras which are nice but not essential), then personally, I wouldn't blame him for feeling the way he does.

Georgiegirl256

FBaby wrote: »

Of course, not everyone is the same, but I think that 6 months living together when there are children from another relationship involved is not at all a long time to be sure it is forever. The fact that they want a big wedding despite the fact they are debts involved doesn't seem bring much confidence in why they want to get married now.

Well said.

Vicky123

OP says dad is concerned about shelling out so much money when there's a good chance it won't it last, so does his contribution depend on what he thinks is a good prospect?
I think it's just an excuse, if he wants to make a smaller contribution then he should just say so, his relationship advice probably won't be welcome but financial concerns are a different matter when it's his money.

onlyroz

Do people still expect their parents to pay for their wedding? My parents paid for our honeymoon and hubby's parents gave us a few thousand ££ as a gift to spend as we liked, but the bulk of the wedding we paid for ourselves.

To avoid being taken for a mug perhaps your parents could agree on an amount that they're happy to spend (enough to cover a modest wedding) and give them that.

duchy

I love all the self righteous "If they are in debt they shouldn't be having a big wedding" without knowing the facts.

Whilst no-one thinks an expensive wedding is the best idea if there are debts -there is a huge difference between "managable debt" and out of control debt. Often parents wouldn't dream of paying off a child's debt (and the adult child may very well have a perfectly adequate payment plan -the OP didn't mention out of control debt and for all we know it may be the bride simply doesn't pay creditcard off in full every month -to some that's scary debt to others it's spreading the cost . Those same parents who wouldn't pay their adult children's debt (and no reason they should) wouldn't dream of not paying for a wedding . In some families the two things are entirely separate and giving your daughter "a good wedding" is something a father wants and expects. Like many,many things we discuss here about weddings....everyone is different !! Doesn't mean those Dad's who believe it's something they should and want to do won't suffer from the same "sticker shock" we all feel when we see what weddings cost !!!

FBaby

I supposed it is a matter of consideration rather than being self-rightous. I consider all debts to be bad enough that repaying them should always come as a priority, whether manageable or not, especially when children are involved, and therefore limits the ability to work longer hours whilst increasingly costing more!

I am in no way saying that the couple in question are doing things wrong or that their mariage is bound to fell, I wouldn't be able to make that judgement, all I am thinking is that I can understand the father's concern.

Georgiegirl256

duchy wrote: »

I love all the self righteous "If they are in debt they shouldn't be having a big wedding" without knowing the facts.

!

If you were meaning me as being one of the "self righteous", I wasn't saying they shouldn't have a big wedding....that's their business, they can have as big or as small a wedding as they see fit, but if they want all the extra frills and fancies, then IMO, they shouldn't expect someone else to pay for them....unless perhaps if the parents are well off and can afford it OR are happy to do so without any resentment creeping in....which it appears to be doing so in the case of the OP's father.

But surely, and again, this is just my opinion, if I was in debt, manageable or not, I'd be wanting to pay that off first before throwing money I could ill afford at a wedding, or anything else for that matter. That would be my priority. But as it is in this situation, the parents appear to be paying for all of or at least the majority of the wedding, and I can kind of see where the OP is coming from, and why resentment has creeped in.

PuzzledDave

Weddings are expensive - and you mention your sister is in debt.

I have to stick my size 12's in on this one... weddings are not expensive. Pomp and ceremony are as expensive as you desire.

Primrose

Well my own view is that your sister and her fiance are both adults, with children from previous relationships so shouldn't really be expecting your parents to finance the wedding at all, and especially not the cost of an expensive evening event as well. Essentially, even if your sister hasn't been married before, it's hardly the first time she's been round the block, is it?
Your parents have to decide whether they really want to spend all this money on one day and if you sense they're reluctant or have some doubts about the long term tenability of the relationship, maybe take your sister and fiance quietly on one side and drop them a hint. Your sisters sounds strong headed enough to either ignore it or even blow up, but if your parents are being inveigled into spending more than they can genuinely afford, now's the time to try and get your sister to rein back her expectations a little.