Marriage, Inlaws, Divorced Parents, Fights, Panic...... Help!

paulineb_2

19lottie82 wrote: »

It's not really relatives, it's kind of complicated, but basically just a couple of my dads close friends that I have grown up with and my Mum doesn't like (for reasons that I won't go in to).

I would like them to be there but it's not worth it.

The meal, even with my OH's P's is a no go in my mind, I'm sure they can just meet at the wedding where it will be a bit more relaxed, rather than "forced" as there will be plenty of champagne and other people.

I think my mum thinks that a meal with the inlaws is the "done thing"

If you would like them to be there then they should be there. If they arent there, you are already allowing your mum to influence your wedding.

Your wedding. Not her wedding. Yours. I know fine well families can be difficult but there is a time for putting your foot down and now might be as good a time as any.

Also, I wonder how these people might feel when they hear they arent invited, if you like them that much, they may be expecting an invite

Your way, or you may look back and regret in years to come.

belfastgirl23

I would also give your mother the benefit of the doubt in this.

My parents went out for a meal before my wedding. They probably hadn't spent time alone together in about 25 years but they figured they needed to find a way to be comfortable with each other ahead of the big day. And they were right.

What I would say is that these people will most likely be in the same room together a fair bit over the rest of your life, unless you aren't going to have children. They will be at the wedding together, birthday parties, christenings. They will be there if you or your DP gets sick or needs help. So my view is that you need to suck this up and stop worrying about it. Yes it might be a few minutes awkwardness but better here than having awkwardness on your wedding day. It's not that you're being selfish but I think you're coming up with a worst case scenario. And don't forget with a wedding coming up there's a fair bit of small talk that can happen.

But to guard against it I would spell it out very clearly to your mother (under guise of admiring her) what you expect. Eg 'it is so good of you to do this to make sure that you and dad will be comfortable with each other on the big day, I know it can be hard to let bygones be bygones but you wanting to do this really gives me hope that you've put the past behind you' etc etc. Make her feel like such a big person that she can't let herself down. Similar with your dad.

I know myself though how hard it is to have to think about this as part of what should be a happy occasion. I'd say get this bit over with and then you can relax and enjoy the big day!

19lottie82

Judi wrote: »

No way would I attend. It could be a platform to vent a few of your Mothers 'Home truths'. I wouldn't trust her motives, sorry. If she hated him that much she wouldn't want him near her.

Ok, I know they will be present at the wedding but they don't have to have much to do with eachother do they?

Judi, I don't really think that's what's behind this, I mean as I have said I do think the odd comment might slip out but I don't think that's her reasoning behind it.

Tbh I think she would let it go re inviting my dad and s-mum over, but she still wants to invite my future in laws over. I know this isn't too bizarre but for the reasons I have explained in my OP, I'm not keen at all and the thought of it is really stressing me out.

Again, it's not really a "formal" wedding, so I think them meeting there will be just fine where there will be plenty of others to mingle with at the same time.

And no, my parents have hardly spoken in the last 25 years, and maybe never in the last 15 (since I turned 18).

19lottie82

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

She's vetoed some of the guests that YOU want to invite to YOUR wedding because they're friends of your father's, and you've given in to her.

Now, she wants to organise a dinner for everyone where your father will be present, you don't think it's a good idea (it isn't!) and YOU'RE the one being selfish?

To be fair, she hasn't asked me not to invite these people, I just know it's common sense not too.

And as I mentioned in my post above, I think she would accept (in the end) that I don't want to invite my dad to her proposed get together, but it's the bit about my Future in laws that she keeps going on about most, but I really don't feel it will be beneficial at all.

BitterAndTwisted

It isn't "common-sense" not to invite life-long friends to your own wedding if you want them there.

Why the eff would you be the one to not invite your father to her get-together? It's not your get-together but hers, so she is the one to be doing the inviting or not-inviting!

Listen, if you're not happy to go along to this dinner she wants, then tell her that you won't be going.

Sounds like you've been doing an awful lot of deferring to her, and your wedding is the one time in your life when others should be bending over backwards for your happiness and that of your intended. Give in on this and she'll be moving in with you.

Mojisola

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I
My parents went out for a meal before my wedding. They probably hadn't spent time alone together in about 25 years but they figured they needed to find a way to be comfortable with each other ahead of the big day. And they were right.

There's a big difference between going out for a meal on neutral ground and having a meal in the home of the main protagonist.

Mattygroves2

But it would be perfectly normal to invite your prospective SonILs parents round for a meal prior to the big day which seems to be the sticking point with the OP rather than the Dad being invited.

OP - I can see why you wouldn't want your Dad there but surely there will be lots of occasions when your mother and your in laws will be together over the next few years (unless you don't have children) and also plenty of occasions when you have to spend time with them so why not let your mother find out they won't really get on before the big day ? If they are as incompatible as you suggest she'll try it once and then give up.

Mojisola

19lottie82 wrote: »

I get along with my OH's parents OK ish, but I do struggle to make conversation with them, everything is just small talk and they don't take any real interest in me or my life. we have nothing in common and they would definitely have nothing in common with my mother, her partner or my father.

Mattygroves2 wrote: »

But it would be perfectly normal to invite your prospective SonILs parents round for a meal prior to the big day which seems to be the sticking point with the OP rather than the Dad being invited.

Sounds like a recipe for a lovely evening!

Mattygroves2

Mojisola wrote: »

Sounds like a recipe for a lovely evening!

I agree but you have to find a way to interact with in laws. I probably felt the same way about mine but managed to spend a week with them for 20 years and I actually miss them now they're gone.

If the OPs mother hasn't met them before I'm not surprised she wants to see them before the big day.

19lottie82

Mattygroves2 wrote: »

I agree but you have to find a way to interact with in laws. I probably felt the same way about mine but managed to spend a week with them for 20 years and I actually miss them now they're gone.

I've been trying for the past 4 years, trust me.

I don't dislike them, and I don't think they dislike me, it's just a bit of a struggle as I explained in my OP.

I feel awkward enough sitting in their company for 10 minutes when I pick my OH's kids up, and the thought of sitting through a whole meal with just them and my Mum (well, obv my OH and my Mums OH too) is enough to practically bring on a panic attack.