Marriage, Inlaws, Divorced Parents, Fights, Panic...... Help!

19lottie82

It's not really relatives, it's kind of complicated, but basically just a couple of my dads close friends that I have grown up with and my Mum doesn't like (for reasons that I won't go in to).

I would like them to be there but it's not worth it.

The meal, even with my OH's P's is a no go in my mind, I'm sure they can just meet at the wedding where it will be a bit more relaxed, rather than "forced" as there will be plenty of champagne and other people.

I think my mum thinks that a meal with the inlaws is the "done thing"

Brighton_belle

The hilarious irony of someone angrily shouting 'you're being selfish' is of course that they themselves are being selfish by demanding you do what they want.
Calmly stand your ground OP. And well done for refusing to say how much your dad has given you.
There is no way I would have or ever will go to a meal with my parent and DH's parents "shudders". Our wedding worked well without such false bonhomie.

Alikay

19lottie82 wrote: »

I think my mum thinks that a meal with the inlaws is the "done thing"

Not if there are issues with divorce/new partners etc and the bride is mortified by the prospect :rotfl:.

For some families it might be a nice idea to meet and chat about plans, roles, who's paying for what etc, but even then a friendly drink in a local pub sounds less daunting than a meal.

Morglin

Distance yourself - tell her that you won't be attending the meal, so you don't want to know about what she does about it, or how she feels about it.

Weddings seem to bring out the worse in everyone...lol

Lin

System

No way would I attend. It could be a platform to vent a few of your Mothers 'Home truths'. I wouldn't trust her motives, sorry. If she hated him that much she wouldn't want him near her.


Personally, I wouldn't want my ex anywhere near my house let alone in it and I cant understand why your Mum wants to cook a meal for him and his new wife.


Ok, I know they will be present at the wedding but they don't have to have much to do with eachother do they?

BitterAndTwisted

Your parents have been apart for 27 years yet she still hates his guts.

She's vetoed some of the guests that YOU want to invite to YOUR wedding because they're friends of your father's, and you've given in to her.

Now, she wants to organise a dinner for everyone where your father will be present, you don't think it's a good idea (it isn't!) and YOU'RE the one being selfish?


Sorry, your mother is up to something with this dinner and it's not going to be anything good. Just tell her that she's welcome to organise anything she likes but you don't think it's a good idea and so you won't be going. If your father has any sense, he won't be either

seven-day-weekend

Get a special licence, get married next Saturday with just two witnesses.

Then tell your parents you have done so, that it was YOUR wedding and that YOU will organise a party of your choice with people of your choice at a time of your choosing.

If your mum has a tantrum about it, tell her it was her doing by causing you too much stress.

Job done, she will soon get over it.

mrcow

Your mother is using you.

She is using you to get at your Dad.
She is using you so that she can be "in control" of it all.
Why she should care after all this time when they've effectively moved on is only for her to know.

Whether you allow her to continue using you like this is 100% up to you.


Don't mention the meal again. You've already told her it's not happening.
Don't talk to her about money. Just say "I don' know" to any questions about it. Repeatedly.
Invite who you want to YOUR wedding. Just invite them. They are YOUR family.

Stop feeding this behaviour in your mother. If you stop, then she will expose her own behaviour for the childishness it is.

It's time to grow up and start taking the higher ground.

marmitepotato

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Get a special licence, get married next Saturday with just two witnesses.

Then tell your parents you have done so, that it was YOUR wedding and that YOU will organise a party of your choice with people of your choice at a time of your choosing.

If your mum has a tantrum about it, tell her it was her doing by causing you too much stress.

Job done, she will soon get over it.

I can SO identify with the OP's dilemma as my mum walked out on my dad in 1976, and even tho they both remarried my Dad still hasn't 'let it go'.

When my OH and I decided to get married we knew that dad would be a problem (even tho both parents remarried). So we set a date, got married with only our best friends present. We then went out for a meal, on the way home I laid my bouquet on my father in laws grave, then rang the family and told them our good news. My dad was suitabley unhappy but I was not going to let him spoil our day, and told him so. He got over it.

OP don't be held hostage to anyone's emotions, do what you want to do. Yes, some might be upset but they will get over it.

Have a happy wedding day, I wish you well.

marisco_2

The build up to your wedding should be one of the happiest times of your life. It should hold fond memories for you to look back on in the years to come. Not angst and concern about your mums ill-thought out plan to bring together both sides of the family over a meal. She lost the right to demand that this should happen the moment she bad mouthed your dad to you. Whatever went on between your parents years ago, was for them to handle and come to terms with. It is one of the most selfish acts to speak badly of a parent to a child. This risks causing rifts and irreversible damage to a fundamental relationship.

OP stand your ground and inform your mum that this meal will not be going ahead, mainly because you cannot trust her not to embarrass and humiliate you, and those who you love and care about. She wont like it one bit no doubt, but then the truth is often a bitter pill to swallow.