Marriage, Inlaws, Divorced Parents, Fights, Panic...... Help!

19lottie82

First off this is kind of long, so apologies in advance.....

I'm getting married to my partner of 4 years in July. We only decided and booked a couple of weeks ago, so it's all been pretty quick in that sense.

Anyway, my parents split up when I was 5 (27 years ago) and divorced shortly afterwards. My Mum says my Dad had an affair, he has always denied this, tbh I think he prob did, but I'm not bothered, my Mum can be hard work and they are VERY different people, but despite their individual faults (like everyone has) they have both been good parents. Even if he didn't have an affair, I am under no illusion that they would still be together now.

My Mum really hates my Dads guts, I can't mention him without her making a comment about him or his current wife. Most of the time it's in a "jokey" manner but it really upsets me and just makes me cringe. The only person she is making look bad is herself.
I appreciate that yes, my Dad prob did do wrong by her, but everything isn't always black and white, plus it was almost 30 years ago. He is still my Dad and I wonder how my Mum would feel if every time she mentioned her father, someone made a catty comment about him?

Even though it's not going to be a big or formal do, there are a few people from my Dads side that I have had to vito from the wedding because my Mum doesn't like them and even though I would like them to be there, it's not worth the hassle.

My Mum always making these comments about my Dad is the first issue, but the main one is.....

When I told her I was getting married she announced that she was going to organise a meal for her, her DP, me, my OH, My Dad, his DW and my OH's parents.

1) Why, why, why would she want to invite my Dad and his wife round for dinner? (they have spoken maybe once in the last 18 years) She clearly hates his guts, the whole time would be more than awkward and I just know she would say something. I don't think my Dad would even agree to go and I wouldn't expect him or want him to.

and

2) I get along with my OH's parents OK ish, but I do struggle to make conversation with them, everything is just small talk and they don't take any real interest in me or my life. we have nothing in common and they would definitely have nothing in common with my mother, her partner or my father.

My Mum seems set on having this meal before the wedding but the thought of it, really fills me with dread. Even without my Dad and his wife, it would be more than awkward and I really see no need. My Mum will meet everyone at the wedding, and as I said it's not a big formal do, just the registry office, followed by a meal then some more people along for drinks in the evening.

I just don't see any point in forcing this potentially (no wait, in fact, definitely) awkward situation and pretending everyone is friends, when they're not going to be buddies after the wedding.


I can understand why my Mum has suggested this, but I really think it's a bad idea and would cause me an endless amount of stress. My OH isn't really up for it either.

I've told her that I'd rather not do the meal and we had a fight with her calling me "selfish" and hanging up on me. Arrrgh! I really wish she'd just respect my decision, rather than pulling a guilt trip on me.

Opinions please (on the meal and also how my mum always slags off my dad in this indirect manner).....

Bluejeanbaby

First of all congratulations! :j

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. Weddings make people crazy and I know that at times when I was planning mine I often thought it wasn't worth the hassle!

Like you said, there are two issues here. First of all, your mum's attitude to your dad. I would be tempted to tell her what you've told us. He may have made mistakes in the past but he's been a good father and it hurts to hear her making catty remarks. Tell her hat she needs to bite her tongue around you because it's upsetting you & making you anxious over the wedding. I think the point you made about how would she feel if someone was making comments about her own father is a really good one. Next time she makes a remark, ask her!

Secondly, the meal. If you really think it's a bad idea then how about a compromise? Why not ask your mum, her partner and you future in-laws for tea and cake at your house? That way they can get to know one another, it'll be a short afternoon and your mum will feel like she's had a chance to meet everyone in advance. As for your mum calling you selfish for not wanting the meal, maybe you could find something else for her to organise or host? Perhaps she could put on an afternoon tea for you & female relatives & friends. Get a few bridal mags and some fizzy wine and have a bit of a browse and gossip.

Hope everything runs smoothly for you.

thorsoak

Just tell Mum "I DON'T WANT TO DO THE MEAL - AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT'S SELFISH - I'M NOT GOING TO BE THERE".

Your wedding, your party!

Ballabriggs

Lottie, I completely understand where you are coming from this. I am in exactly the same position as you (we eloped to avoid all this!). My mum can't stand it whenever I mention my dad even though they've been divorced 25 years or so and she is remarried, she just comes across as being extremely jealous and bitter. She is also very catty about my step mum and then in the same breath claims to like her and get on well with her! We recently had a huge row when I'd had enough and told her I didn't appreciate her negative comments about my dad and that they really hurt me when I was younger. She got really angry and started going on about how my dad had cheated on her and I needed to get real about him and how bad he was/is. I said regardless of what happened he is still my dad and my relationship with him was different from hers. She didn't like this and went into martyr mode, how much she had to put up with etc. I sound cynical but I've heard it for so many years now its wearing thin. Like you I know it wasn't black and white, and my mum is a difficult person to be around at times. Regardless of what happened and I'm sure he did have an affair, it doesn't impact on my relationship with him. Don't expect your mum to respect your wishes about not getting onto this subject, it just made my mum more angry/defensive and emotional. I think the bitterness is so deep rooted they just don't see us as independent individuals with our own feelings and perspective, it feels more like a tug of war. This made me very sad for a long time as I naively bought into the 'get it out and talk about it and she'll see my point of view and change'. This was absolutely not the case and was quite upsetting. I've come to the conclusion now that I have to have my own boundaries to have a relationship with her. She tells me I'm not her nice daughter anymore and she has to walk on eggshells around me, but tbh I think this is just an attempt to manipulate me through emotional blackmail and now I know, it doesn't work.

My advice to you is to avoid having the dinner at all costs, regardless of the emotional blackmail your mum heaps on you. It will be nothing but stressful at a time you don't need it. Remember this wedding is about what you and your OH want, not your mum! You have plenty of time to have get togethers after the wedding when things are less stressful. Now is a really good time to start putting some boundaries into place that will help once you are married. The bad mouthing has to stop, especially if you are looking to have kids, they do not need to hear one grandparent slagging off another. Be strong and stand your ground.

19lottie82

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Lottie, I completely understand where you are coming from this. I am in exactly the same position as you (we eloped to avoid all this!). My mum can't stand it whenever I mention my dad even though they've been divorced 25 years or so and she is remarried, she just comes across as being extremely jealous and bitter. She also very catty about my step mum and then in the same breath claims to like her and get on well with her! We recently had a huge row when I'd had enough and told her I didn't appreciate her negative comments and that they really hurt me when I was younger. She got really angry and started going on about how my dad had cheated on her and I needed to get real about him and how bad he was/is. I said regardless of what happened he is still my dad and my relationship with him was different from hers. She didn't like this and went into martyr mode, how much she had to put up with etc. I sound cynical but I've heard it for so many years now its wearing thin. Like you I know it wasn't black and white, and my mum is a difficult person to be around at times. Regardless of what happened and I'm sure he did have an affair, it doesn't impact on my relationship with him.

My advice to you is to avoid having the dinner at all costs, regardless of the emotional blackmail your mum heaps on you. It will be nothing but stressful at a time you don't need it. Remember this wedding is about what you and your OH want, not your mum! You have plenty of time to have get togethers after the wedding when things are less stressful. Now is a really good time to start putting some boundaries into place that will help once you are married. The bad mouthing has to stop, especially if you are looking to have kids, they do not need to hear one grandparent slagging off another. Be strong and stand your ground.

Thanks Ballabriggs, glad to know someone else feels my pain!

TBH If it were up to me I would just elope but my Mum has made it clear in the past that she would be heartbroken if I did that, and I understand that, as I am her only child.

My Mum isn't a bad person, I understand why she isn't keen on my Dad, I just wish she would respect my POV a bit more.

19lottie82

Another matter is she keeps telling me my Dad should be paying for my wedding as "he can afford it, and it's the least he can do".

My DP wants to pay for everything himself but my Dad has given us £1k, which will be put towards the honeymoon.

My Mum keeps asking how much he is giving me, so she can match it (apparently), but I know that she just wants to know so she can have a dig about my Dad being tight.

I've told her that how much my Dad has given me is between him and me and I don't really want to discuss it with her, plus she doesn't have to give me anything, but if she decides to, then that's totally up to her and it should have nothing to do with my dad.

Ballabriggs

Lottie, I've added a bit on my previous post about her seeing it from your POV. From my own perspective don't hold on to the hope of this too much as its unlikely to happen and you'll just make yourself unhappy.

Sounds like emotional blackmail has been a big part of your life for a long time. Your comment about your mum not being a bad person sounds exactly like me a few years ago! We instantly feel bad about having negative feelings towards our mum and try to make it better by comforting ourselves with 'she's not a bad person'. I'm not saying your mum is bad by any means, but she is behaving badly at the moment and you do need to recognise that. Unfortunately you've reversed the parent/child role and it is very uncomfortable! But you do need to stand firm, especially at this time because you need to set ground rules for the future. Your mum is still going to have all of the lovely things that come with being mother of the bride, she just doesn't get to dictate terms regardless of whether you are an only child or not.

You are quite right not disclose financial details her, that's between you and your dad and should not be turned into an area of competition. You need to be consistent with this so she doesn't get mixed messages. This is something I am getting better at, but it takes hard work!

RAS

19lottie82 wrote: »

TBH If it were up to me I would just elope but my Mum has made it clear in the past that she would be heartbroken if I did that, and I understand that, as I am her only child.

My mother was a complete nightmare over wedding stuff. I think you need to tell her very clearly that this is your wedding, that you would rather elope and that if there is any fuss and bother from her, you will just elope.

OK, it will not stop her having a major breakdown in the preceding months and having a massive very public martyr's migraine on the day but.......

I know at least two people tried to solve the problem by emigrating but mother is in hot pursuit of one of the couples.

Alikay

I wonder why your mum wants to have the meal with you and your fiance, and all the parents and step-parents. Does she actually want to do it, or do you think she's seen a few wedding-themed American movies (like Meet The Fockers, My Best Friends Wedding, etc etc) and thinks that a meet-up dinner is the norm? If that's the case you need to assure her that it is NOT necessary, and that we Brits don't do Rehearsal Dinners etc like across the pond, and that its quite OK to just have minimal polite contact on the big day.

If it's her own idea and she genuinely wants it, then IMO you are justified in refusing to go or help with the planning etc.

GobbledyGook

Could it be that your Mum is trying to show you that she (and your Dad) can all be adults for one day?

Trying to stop you worrying, therefore (in her mind) lessening the chances of you eloping?

I wouldn't not invite some of your relatives because your Mum doesn't like them btw. If she can organise a meal and volunteer to sit near your Dad she can politely ignore the relatives for one afternoon.

Good luck x

fivetide

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Could it be that your Mum is trying to show you that she (and your Dad) can all be adults for one day?

Trying to stop you worrying, therefore (in her mind) lessening the chances of you eloping?

I wouldn't not invite some of your relatives because your Mum doesn't like them btw. If she can organise a meal and volunteer to sit near your Dad she can politely ignore the relatives for one afternoon.

Good luck x

My thought too. Perhaps optimistic but perhaps this is a chance to make sure she can behave before the main event?

Have you actually asked her what her motivation is?

I'd be tempted to do so and to tell her she will need to be polite in front of the new outlaws.

Bit of conversation and cards on the table talking should stop you worrying. If you are right and your dad is unlikely to accept anyway, chances are you are worrying about nothing at this stage.