Had enough...

crawli1

ailuro2 wrote: »

Take the same amount of money out as he does.

Put it away in a separate account.

Use it as your safety net for when you decide to leave him, at least then you'll have some money to get a deposit in a rented place to live.


Unless he wants help for his drinking then there's not much you can do to stop him. My only suggestion would be to give him a card for a separate bank account and put his drinking/pocket money into it each week, and deny him access to the housekeeping account?

Been there,done that,got the T shirt, no kids involved, but it took me 4 and a half years to realise he was a functioning alcoholic. I later met and was happy to marry a wonderful man who only goes to the pub once a week or less.

I already rent through a housing association - the rent gets paid via a payment card at the post office so that, at least, is something I don't need to worry about. The other problem is he works away from home at the beginning of the week and has to pay for hotel, food and train fare, yet he never thinks about budgeting for it. I always seem to be sacrificing money just for him to go to work, yet he always says he needs more than I think he actually does. The office he travels to is classed as his ordinary place of work so he cannot claim the expenses back. When he uses the other offices closer to home he can claim but these expenses go into his bank account. Last week he told me he had £60 left in his account, I paid for his train fare online (because it's cheaper), he then asked for another £30 because he owed (so he says) a guy from work some money too. He only needed to pay for his hotel room (£25). Yet he withdrew another £60 off the credit card with no accounting for what he spent it on and he didn't tell me. I looked at my account online last night and it was showing the withdrawals (3 in total with £3 charges on top for each). I haven't been able to approach him about this because he was out, drinking, last night with the guys from work and stayed at his mums. I just don't know how to be with him when I have to go and pick him up. Do I take his car to him and leave it at his mums and make my way home on the train? I just know that anything I say will just be shrugged off. My thought is to tell him where to go and then come home and forget about him. But I am six months pregnant with his child and wonder if I should see what he has to say, forgive him and then go through this again next week!!!!!:mad:

I'm sorry I keep going on, but I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm not scared of being on my own. I was a single parent with DS until he was three and I met OH.

crawli1

arthur_dent wrote: »

I hate to advocate the splitting up of any family, but it does sound as if you would be better off without him. Good luck with the second littlun and I hope that all goes well for you.

Deep down and although your post hit my heart and made me cry, I think this is the only way _pale_

arthur_dent_2

This in the end is your decision, you have to do what is right for you and your children. I hope that this is staying with your OH, but to me he appears to be little more than a child. I genuinely hope that I am wrong and you can change his spending/drinking habits, good luck and my sincere best wishes.

chrisewey76

crawli1 wrote: »

I will be cancelling the joint credit card once it is showing as being clear. Like I said the other credit card is in my name only and so I just need to reduce the limit on that card so I don't get in a mess with it and it can be used for emergencies only and paid off fully each time.

I often wonder if our difference is because he is an only child and so has always been "looked after" by his mum. He still asks her for money too, which I hate. I, on the other hand have two brothers and have always been very independant and preferred to look after myself, unless I needed help with something. I hate asking my parents for anything, because I'm old enough to look after myself and feel I can sort out my own problems. The only time I ask them for anything is when I'm absolutely desperate.

He keeps talking about us getting married one day, but all I think when he says that is "I'd say no". That can't be a good sign, can it? When I explain how I'm feeling it's like talking to a brick wall. I've even started feeling depressed and have told him this and the reasons why, but it still makes no difference.

you need to look after your kids first and foremost (imo)if he is willing to help you then, fantastic. but from a personal point of view, i grew up with parents who constantly argued about anything, being money, drinking etc and it's horrible. my parents split up for a while and it was so much better because they made the effort for us kids and we were happier. when they got back together it started again. i have also been in an abusive relationship and even though the kids didnt see most of the abuse, it still affected them (not that i am inferring that your's is an abusive one! the point i am trying to make is, if you are NOT happy and CANT imagine you wanting to spend your life with him, then the sooner you get out of it the better, for you and your kids. staying together for the sake of the children DOES NOT work and only makes EVERYONE involved miserable. in my experience it's better to have at least one happy parent than two miserable ones.i hope you can get it sorted whatever you choose to do.good luck, lifes rarely easy, lol

sandy2_2

Could you speak to his parents and engage their help

crawli1

sandy2 wrote: »

Could you speak to his parents and engage their help

Before OH was with me he lived with his dad (OH parents are divorced). His dad took his wages off him each month and paid out everything that he owed to different companies and sorted him out. The only thing was, this caused a lot of ill feeling from my OH towards his dad. Also, OH hadn't given his dad all the information, so OH credit rating is terrible. I only found out this from his dad when I have spoken to him before about problems. OH used dads address for a credit card and the company had been on to his dad about non payment. FIL then rang here but OH wasn't in and so told me about it plus about the problems previously explained.

His mum doesn't help matters because he asks her for money and she gives it to him. OH dad has spoken to her about it and told her the problems its causing and also what he is spending the money on, but she just doesn't seem to care.

OH is in a well paid job too which makes matters worse because we should be able to save something from what he gets paid. I also work full time but my wage is minimum wage. Most of the big bills come out of his account and some come out of mine. A couple of weeks after he gets paid we seem to be struggling again - it's a vicious circle!!

Red_Fraggle_3

My ex-husband used to use money for drinking (he was also abusive buts thats another story) - he had no idea about saving or budgeting - I ended up resenting him for not telling me he had taken the last money from the bank etc

I think at some stage you will just think that enough is enough - if you can have a plan and maybe some money saved up - good luck - :-)

globalds

making the descision that you will leave him ,if thats what it takes to look after yourself .Is not the same as leaving him.What it does is give you the power to go in and negotiate with him .
You no longer have to put up with his unreasonable ,selfish and unrealistic behaviour .He is not at home any more ,he has responsibilities and he has to find ways of controlling his own limits .You have now put yourself in a position where you can tell him what you need him to provide ,to be in a relationship with you .....Well done ...
Make your demands ..Prepare to negotiate ...Not much as with kids and debts you ain't got much wiggle room .
What he doesn't know yet is that you are making him a better person ,which once he gets through this he will thank you for ....and if he doesn't ..then you are better of being at more of a distance.

crawli1

I think which ever way I take this I will come up against a brick wall/blank face. He knows how I feel about him drinking, but his lies about how much money he is spending are getting too much for me, especially when I have my four year old son and another baby on the way to think about. It can't carry on this way - something has to give (and at the moment it's me giving everything and him taking).
Thanks to everyone for all your thoughts on this. I haven't gone to pick him up today, after his night out, so I don't even know where he is. He has text me and asked me what I'm doing today and I've just told him I'm sorting my head out. I haven't had a response to that.

Scarlett1

the guy is a sponger, he should be looking after you rather than the other way round, does he have any good points ?