Had enough...

crawli1

Ok, I'm really annoyed with my OH. We have debts on 2 credit cards and a loan. I'm trying to sort our debts out and have recently taken out a loan to consolidate the three. I continually ask my OH NOT to withdraw money from the credit card at ATM's because of the charge incurred. But he keeps doing it when he works away from home and he doesn't tell me that he has done it. I only find out when I get the statement.
Now the thing that really upsets me is that I can't remember the last time he didn't have a alcoholic drink (or 6) of a night time. I know this is only part of the problem and is possibly the reason why he keeps withdrawing money off the credit card. I'm six months pregnant and also have a four year old son. I see this as my priority, not sorting out a 31 year old adult. I now realise that I can't help him in any way, because I've tried so much already. I just don't know what to do anymore :mad: :mad:

lynzpower

Step one, I would call the credit card company and get them to reduce the limit as much as possible.

Step 2 - Id look at your budgets, do you have pocket money/ spends? Then if he can use that for his beer and when its gone its gone.

If you have consolidated, and thats not always the best bet as it doesnt change the behaviour of overspending ( as you can see!) then you are going to struggle.

Savvy_Sue

Al-Anon is your friend ...

Can you get your name OFF one credit card, and leave him to it with that one?

Hugs.

Gorgeous_George

For better for worse.
In sickness and in health.

Fight through this together and your future will be better.



GG

crawli1

I have paid off both credit cards now, but I have to wait until the payments have cleared before I can close the accounts. I have talked these things through with him and keep doing so constantly, we arrange how to sort all this out. I always stand by what I agree to but he never does. We also decided to have pocket money each week, but again, he couldn't stick to this and by the time I know what is going on his bank account is empty. I'm at the end of line and don't know how much more I can take.

crawli1

BTW - I consolidated because as I'm trying to pay off our debts he's sinking us deeper. We agreed that we would reduce one credit card limit, but I don't want to be sorting that out every month when he has just withdrawn cash for the whole limit. I feel I would be best closing the joint credit card and reduce the amount on my lone credit card, then in case of a future emergency, I know I have that to fall back on (without going to purchase something and find that the card is up to it's limit because of him).

crawli1

Gorgeous_George wrote: »

For better for worse.
In sickness and in health.

Fight through this together and your future will be better.



GG

Our relationship is one sided though. I've tried so hard in getting him involved in sorting through our finances together. We talk but I action and then he slips up again (and again). He also does not believe he has a drink problem and says that it is me with the problem, because I take too much time thinking about the effects of his drinking. I tell him I don't want our kids growing up in this environment and I'm worried about his health too. He just brushes off my worries and carries on regardless. This affects me, because then I start thinking maybe it is my problem that I'm making it worse. All I want is a happy home and less arguments and no money worries. Is that too much to ask?

arthur_dent_2

Aside from any alcohopl dependancy issues, from what you say he clearly has a problem in that he is spending too much money on drink. 6 drinks a night has got to be £100 a week. You are clearly trying to do your best and getting rid of all his credit cards seems to be the best solution. If he can go running up bills without telling you, then I would go cancelling the credit cards so there was no way he could get the money.

If he is going to act like a child, then treat him like one. He has got to face up to his problem and his growing responsabilities. It sounds to me like he uses you as a doormat. This is totally unacceptable and untill he can grow up you have to do what you can.

crawli1

arthur_dent wrote: »

Aside from any alcohopl dependancy issues, from what you say he clearly has a problem in that he is spending too much money on drink. 6 drinks a night has got to be £100 a week. You are clearly trying to do your best and getting rid of all his credit cards seems to be the best solution. If he can go running up bills without telling you, then I would go cancelling the credit cards so there was no way he could get the money.

If he is going to act like a child, then treat him like one. He has got to face up to his problem and his growing responsabilities. It sounds to me like he uses you as a doormat. This is totally unacceptable and untill he can grow up you have to do what you can.

I will be cancelling the joint credit card once it is showing as being clear. Like I said the other credit card is in my name only and so I just need to reduce the limit on that card so I don't get in a mess with it and it can be used for emergencies only and paid off fully each time.

I often wonder if our difference is because he is an only child and so has always been "looked after" by his mum. He still asks her for money too, which I hate. I, on the other hand have two brothers and have always been very independant and preferred to look after myself, unless I needed help with something. I hate asking my parents for anything, because I'm old enough to look after myself and feel I can sort out my own problems. The only time I ask them for anything is when I'm absolutely desperate.

He keeps talking about us getting married one day, but all I think when he says that is "I'd say no". That can't be a good sign, can it? When I explain how I'm feeling it's like talking to a brick wall. I've even started feeling depressed and have told him this and the reasons why, but it still makes no difference.

ailuro2

Take the same amount of money out as he does.

Put it away in a separate account.

Use it as your safety net for when you decide to leave him, at least then you'll have some money to get a deposit in a rented place to live.


Unless he wants help for his drinking then there's not much you can do to stop him. My only suggestion would be to give him a card for a separate bank account and put his drinking/pocket money into it each week, and deny him access to the housekeeping account?

Been there,done that,got the T shirt, no kids involved, but it took me 4 and a half years to realise he was a functioning alcoholic. I later met and was happy to marry a wonderful man who only goes to the pub once a week or less.

arthur_dent_2

I hate to advocate the splitting up of any family, but it does sound as if you would be better off without him. Good luck with the second littlun and I hope that all goes well for you.