How much is 'enough' for a single pensioner?

Parsimonia

Errata wrote: »

That's all well and good, but I can think of umpteen scenarios where caring and nursing care are totally behond the skills, knowledge and ability of someone who has no experience of what that may involve.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about what's achievable Doing otherwise means you're living in cloud cuckoo land.

I'm a nurse on a dementia ward so I have some idea of what's involved, and I don't for a moment think it would be easy. I also know it wouldn't be possible with the best will in the world if I wasn't already retired (and when I made the promise, she was aware of that caveat)...so thank the Lord she's currently in fantastic health. However, as I know from my husband's experience, that can change in a heartbeat!

However, I would do it to the best of my ability and for as long as I was able....I can't say fairer than that.

Pollycat

Your MIL is lucky that you're such a kind-hearted, generous-spirited person.

It's a pity she's not cut from the same cloth.

I think looking after someone with the traits that you say your MIL has would soon take its toll on your own health.

pollypenny

Parsimonia, you've already said how difficult things are going to be for you and your OP.

Your husband and her stepsons have a duty to tackle this silly woman. You cannot carry the responsibility. You have more than enough to think about. And you're still working!

Parsimonia

pollypenny wrote: »

Parsimonia, you've already said how difficult things are going to be for you and your OP.

Your husband and her stepsons have a duty to tackle this silly woman. You cannot carry the responsibility. You have more than enough to think about. And you're still working!

Unfortunately the step sons are quite poorly and both live over 200 miles away, so they can't get easily involved, and hubby has tried and tried and tried to get through to her, but to no avail.

He's also worried that if he harps too much about it it'll come across as though he's a gold-digger, and nothing could be farther from the truth. Because of his multitude of health problems he fully expects his mum to outlive him, so he has no ulterior motive in trying to get her to change her ways - he's thinking entirely of his step-brothers.

It's because of the impact of all this worry on my hubby that I'm getting so involved - he has enough on his plate worrying about his own health and keeping well, the last thing he needs is to worry himself sick about his mum's behaviour. I'm strong, so I can take the strain...

downshifted

I don't only think it is your mother in law who needs her light bulb moment, Parsimonia, I think you and your husband do too.

You sound like a lovely caring person, but you need to realise that this is a situation that you cannot remedy. Only your mother in law can change her spending habits and she is obviously not going to do that.

So you have tried to get her on a budget this week. She will either hate it and not agree to do it again, or she will hate it and blame you. It's a no win situation until she decides she wants to change.

She has never had to take responsibility for herself, and she has never taken advice - what makes you think you can make a difference when everyone else has failed? You are in danger of becoming co-dependent. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you need to be a rescuing angel, find someone who might be co-operative and appreciative. You cannot run her life for her, and you cannot make a difference for her relatives and step relatives while she wants to continue spending. It's not your responsibility and you would be well advised to back off when this week is over.

As for being her carer in the long term, why on earth would you promise that to such a selfish person? You are just reinforcing and enabling her to rely on everyone else instead of encouraging her to realise she has to stand on her own two feet.

You cannot cure other people's addictions - your own life is difficult enough without taking on other people's troubles. Be kind to yourself instead of her!

Tough talk I know - I believe we need more tough love in this world. Please do think about what I have written very carefully.

getmore4less

Parsimonia wrote: »

One of the trustees is her eldest stepson...the other a family friend. The house that was left 'in trust' was sold with the knowledge and consent of both stepsons...but I don't think they know what she's planning re selling the remaining property.

Without seeing the full terms, but typically for life interest,

She should not have been given the money only any income it generated.

All beneficiaries of the trust would have needed to agree or could sue the trustees for the loss if the terms did not allow for this use of the assets.

itsanne

I'm sorry, Parimonia, but I don't see your MIL as the nice, caring person you say she is - though it would appear to be an appropriate description of you. From an onlooker's point of view, she is behaving despicably towards her stepsons.

It's very unfortunate that she was allowed to sell the house, and I'm not convinced that she's done so in a completely legal fashion. As you are already involved with her, I think you should spell out that she cannot sell the current house and alert both trustees as to the situation. I realise that one of them is in ill health, but that makes it even more important that your MIL wreaks no further damage. What she does in terms of her own children's inheritance is irrelevant because people have the right to spend all their money if they wish, but the stepchildren are different: their father intended them to inherit. What your MIL has done is, quite simply, wrong - and possibly illegal. (I also think she has behaved very badly towards her own children :mad:.)

Much as I understand why you intend to care for your MIL should the need arise, I can't help feeling you should take a lot of time to rethink that. It's clear from what you say of her that she is stubborn, self-centred and demanding. Realistically, would that not impact on the care you would be able to give your husband? If she had not been so extravagant she would have been in a position to have much more choice when it comes to care in the future, but she has forfeited that through her own actions. There is no need for you to compensate at the expense of your and your husband's health.

I wish you very well, Parsimonia. You are a much better daughter-in-law than your MIL deserves!

margaretclare

Parsimonia wrote: »

OMG, I just read this and now I'm totally horrified! Thank God she's in good health at the moment - I'll have to run her over if she starts to go ga-ga or gets infirm - there's no way in the world we could afford these types of fees, and since both she and we live in one bedroom properties, there's absolutely no way she could move in with us or vice versa, even if I was retired.

I've promised I'll care for her and nurse her if and when she does need it...but now I'm REALLY worried! And there's no way that hubby could help, given his own medical issues.

OK, going off for a lie down in a dark room now....:o

That was a really foolish promise to make. None of us can foresee what's round the corner. Just as well you do live in a one-bedroom property! I've just re-read most of this thread, and I don't know what to say. This is a type of woman for whom I have absolutely no time. I've grown up among strong independent women, or women who had no choice but to stand on their own two feet and earn their own daily bread. The opposite end of the spectrum.

I feel very sorry for you and I think you're on a losing wicket here. She had an expensive financial advisor - ignored his advice. She's been bailed-out time and again by not one but two 'adoring' husbands. More fools them. Sorry. And now, she has a couple of other gullible fools lined up. There's one born every minute, a fool and his money are soon parted...

I am sorry, and I don't mean to be rude to you, because I can see that you're kind and well-meaning. And in a sense, I know what widowhood is like because I've been there. I wouldn't wish widowhood on to my worst enemy, and she's been there twice. Maybe all this spending is a form of 'displacement activity' because she's in a sad state and would rather think of earlier times when the world was bright and there were guys showering her with mink coats and diamond necklaces. And then I think of my earlier self, widowed coincidental with redundancy, with no choice but to scratch for a living to pay the mortgage and keep the roof over my head. I don't know what to suggest, but please do try to avoid making 'promises' to her which you may not be able to fulfil.

BTW it is still only a minority of older people who end their days in a care home. Most manage to live in their own home, even with help coming in.

PS: I agree with downshifted above.

Errata

This is a type of woman for whom I have absolutely no time. I've grown up among strong independent women, or women who had no choice but to stand on their own two feet and earn their own daily bread. The opposite end of the spectrum.

You've been very fortunate. Don't belittle those who've been less fortunate than you for whatever reason. It does you no credit.

margaretclare

Errata wrote: »

You've been very fortunate. Don't belittle those who've been less fortunate than you for whatever reason. It does you no credit.

Some would say - it's not I who have been fortunate! This woman has been 'less fortunate than me'? I don't think so, somehow. The only way she has been less fortunate than me is in being widowed twice, not once. A second widowhood is my worst nightmare.