Cheating husband or paranoid pregnant wife?!!

lucym

*Diva* wrote: »

There wasnt actually anything explicit in the messaages, it was the usual hi how r u etc.
Then I have seen u somewhere and then oh I just realised who you are. Ever so sorry to message u. you are my wifes freind apologies for messaging u please dont tell her. (that was on Tango at 8pm on monday night)


then tuesday lunchtime he messaged her actual phone number saying something quiet similiar and generic.
The reason she told him to fc uk was because my freind is a bit of a hard nut and also because she realised it was my husband.

Maybe he thinks that you have had a fling with your friend and really just wants to find out if you have been unfaithful.

Errata

It's quite simple. All you need to do next time he sets foot over the doorstep is to sit him down and say "Right matey, what's your game?". If you don't get to the bottom of it by communicating openly and honestly your baby can look forward to having a rubbish life.
If you feel he has problems now with constant washing and obsessing about his health, there's a good chance they will become very, very much worse when there's a newborn baby in the house. If he won't talk to his GP about them, then you should.

fairy_lights

*Diva* wrote: »

Basically my husband is very demanding- he is an over thinker and worries about the smallest of things making life VERY difficault sometimes.. If he bumps into someone he will ask me to wash his top numerous times, he washes his hands unlimited amounts of times, before during and after eating. If he sees someone with a mole/lump on their neck he will worry about getting one and will touch his own neck untill it hurts and a lump if formed..and then questions me about it- what is it? why is it red? is it cancer etc etc..He is scared of dyin.

Has he ever sought any help for these obsessive tendencies?


His behaviour does not sound normal or healthy at all. Making you repeatedly wash his clothes, obsessing about illness to the point that he actually does make himself ill, snatching your phone and looking through it, "accidentally" texting another woman...to be honest I think the threesome issue is probably the least of your problems with your husband, he sounds controlling and obsessive and possibly in need of some professional help.

Money_maker

Odder still is the fact you call him an 'over thinker' and accept his strange behaviour as normal. Whilst the rational approach is good, you come across as worrying about the wrong things.

I do hope you can both see the doctor before baby comes.

paulineb_2

*Diva* wrote: »

Basically my husband is very demanding- he is an over thinker and worries about the smallest of things making life VERY difficault sometimes.. If he bumps into someone he will ask me to wash his top numerous times, he washes his hands unlimited amounts of times, before during and after eating. If he sees someone with a mole/lump on their neck he will worry about getting one and will touch his own neck untill it hurts and a lump if formed..and then questions me about it- what is it? why is it red? is it cancer etc etc..He is scared of dyin.
But on the other hand when things are good they are REALLY GOOD but recently I feel we are going in a downward spiral and it may result in him ending up in depression.
I am the opposite to him, easy going, enjoy life and hardly ever worry about getting ill and if I do end up ill etc I just see it as part of life.


Anyways a week ago I was trying to relax him and get his mind off all the issues above and also trying to induce my pregnancy (I am full term and I heard making love can trigger labour) and we were just talking about sweet nothings. I said sometimes I feels hes here physically but not mentally as he is always thinking about "aches and pains" that arnt actually there. He assured me it was nothing etc and then I thought I would keep his mind occupied and started talking about my past as a wild teen and also about fantasies etc.


I told him I had kissed a few girls as a dare at uni and its quite interesting how couples meet other couples and have fun etc. He was very shy about it and said he doesnt like the idea of anyone else coming that close to me and would prefer not to think about it as I am his wife and having his child..He also told me not to mention it to anyone especially friends or co-workers as he doesnt want anyone to take advantage of me or let anyone entice me into the idea of a 3 some etc..


Anyways my own fault I admit now i continued talkng and he then questioned if I had ever had a sexual relationship with any of my freinds? I tried to ascertain if we could who would we choose and it was purely innocent. I asked him the same about his freinds and we laughed made love some more and fell asleep.
That was the end of the convo and the next morning he was smirking and said he liked how i tried to keep him mind off his " aches and pain" and realised I needed more attention and mentally stimulating as well as physically and it wasnt fair how he had been treating me.




Anyways fast forward a few days and I get a freind messaging me and calling me saying that someone had messaged her on TANGO site and I wasnt fully aware of what it is but she explained to me it was like facebook. She said Ithink your husband is messaging me and she sent me a screen shot- MY HEART SANK!!


He apparently had messaged her by mistake 2 nights ago (this was the same freind he asked if i had done anythng with) and said he was doing some "research" and if she could kindly not tell his wife and he wouldnt message her again...


she ignored it and then got a watsapp message from him today lunchtime trying to chit chat generally saying u look familiar etc and then my friend told him to FC UK OFF basically and once again he apologised and said dont tell my wife... I messaged u by mistake etc...


She called me today and was really upset saying I really dont want to tell you as u are pregnant and due any minute however this is whats happened and she sent me screen shots of the convos.. I WAS ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED.. i feel sick to my stomach and equally I feel betrayed.


Its now the wee hours in the morning ive just finished speaking to her and I am lost as to what i should do now...


I feel like a mug because I was just tryna to lighten his mood and forget about his mental state and also try and trigger off pregnancy. Therefore speaking to him like that I had no intention of messing about or think for one minute he would message any of my friends.


In order for him to watsapp my freind that means he must have gotten her number from my phone and also snooped through it which if im honest he always grabs my phone when im cooking and snoops through it and it gets to a point where i have to SHOUT AT HIM and say ur suffocating me and y are u always snooping and he laughs and says hes nosy.






I really need some opinions what next step shall i take?>


1- Go wake him up right now and demand answers (but anything he says will just be absolute bull and him begging me to forgive him etc)


2-tell my freind to play along and see how far he will conversate with her- will he agree to meet up? tell her he fancies her? But if he continues with his convo I dont know if i could handle he responds to her- If he takes it any further I WILL LEAVE HIM AND DIVORCE HIM- i have no tolerance for any form of cheating especially with my friends.


3- Ignore the situation and just brush it under the carpet as I have been married 5 years, we've just got a house together and I really dont like the idea of bringing a child up without its father.




DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY OTHER SUGGESTION?
I WANT YOU TO ALL BE HONEST- A PART OF ME THINKS ITS MY OWN FAULT FOR TRYING TO GET HIS MIND OFF HIS "ACHES AND PAINS"

Sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder, not over thinking.

How is he going to cope with baby sick and poo? Or you in labour?

Sounds like a ratbag to me, OCD or no OCD.

tazzyb

It does sound as he has taken what was bedroom talk as the go ahead to trying to arrange someone else to join you both in bed. I would find this extremely concerning in normal circumstances but so close to you giving birth! It also shows he does not know you very well that he has seemingly taken it as the go ahead to start contacting your friends.

Do you have a very active sex life, how will he cope not being able to have sex after the birth? I know some woman have sex within days despite you being advised to wait six weeks. I was badly torn and needed A LOT of stitches and it took months and months before I could even think about having sex again.

All this 'aches and pains' take is you pandering to him, you need to speak to him now before the baby comes, because once the baby arrives you really will not have the time to properly look after yourself never mind wash his clothes over and over because someone touched them. This is the time he needs to step up, no one prepared me for how I would feel mentally and physically after giving birth and then to top that off I got post natal depression.

This is not the time to sweep things under the carpet, it needs to be out in the open and sorted ASAP. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Voiren

His behaviour does sound very OCD-like (or some similar anxiety condition), and yes, he needs to see his GP about it. Or if not that, then maybe point him over to OCD-UK's website, as they have a lot of support there and a forum too. There's a section for friends and family of sufferers too, if you need to let off some steam.

For you, it is important not to alter your behaviour around his. So let him get on with washing things if he has to, but don't do it yourself and don't go out of your way to stop your things touching stuff he doesn't think is 'safe'. Try not to get too caught up in reassuring him over and over again that there's no lump etc etc. Untreated, that kind of thing does tend to get worse over time rather than better, so there's no way it will magically improve when the baby arrives.

The contacting your friend thing is strange and I don't have much advice to give about that, other than asking him straight out what on earth it was about.

Jenniefour

Two problems here - your husband most certainly has some form of OCD, as others have said. He needs treatment, it will not go away, it is a serious difficulty which greatly interferes with everyday life for the sufferer and those around them. And might get worse with the arrival of the new baby - the behaviours you describe are all about trying to allay anxiety, and any stressful situation will increase his anxiety. Your husbands belief he will be better when the baby arrives is simply not true. I wonder if he knows he has a medical condition or has been struggling on trying to make sense of this by himself. Please do not allow others to laugh at him - this is humiliating, lacks empathy and will invite him to feel bad. Take a look at symptoms of OCD, it will make sense to you. Show him and insist he gets help, he needs and deserves it.

Second problem is what's going on in your relationship. best to have a discussion with him and let him know what you've found out - and in a calm manner so you remain thinking and in charge of how you respond. Have you considered seeking professional help from Relate, for example. You are in a long term committed relationship, about to become parents and a lot is going on.

And, no, don't set him up with your friend - not helpful and will lead to more heartache. You know all you need to know to think through how you want to move forwards. First stop GP - your husband needs a properly qualified assessment with a view to starting treatment for his mental health condition.

Wishing you all the best.

phill99

Your husband is not a well man. He has the problems, not you.

fake_smile

Sounds like he has a health anxiety disorder. Also, very dangerous topic of conversation.

I find it strange that he thinks it's ok to happily read through your mobile phone