Cheating husband or paranoid pregnant wife?!!

*Diva*

Basically my husband is very demanding- he is an over thinker and worries about the smallest of things making life VERY difficault sometimes.. If he bumps into someone he will ask me to wash his top numerous times, he washes his hands unlimited amounts of times, before during and after eating. If he sees someone with a mole/lump on their neck he will worry about getting one and will touch his own neck untill it hurts and a lump if formed..and then questions me about it- what is it? why is it red? is it cancer etc etc..He is scared of dyin.
But on the other hand when things are good they are REALLY GOOD but recently I feel we are going in a downward spiral and it may result in him ending up in depression.
I am the opposite to him, easy going, enjoy life and hardly ever worry about getting ill and if I do end up ill etc I just see it as part of life.


Anyways a week ago I was trying to relax him and get his mind off all the issues above and also trying to induce my pregnancy (I am full term and I heard making love can trigger labour) and we were just talking about sweet nothings. I said sometimes I feels hes here physically but not mentally as he is always thinking about "aches and pains" that arnt actually there. He assured me it was nothing etc and then I thought I would keep his mind occupied and started talking about my past as a wild teen and also about fantasies etc.


I told him I had kissed a few girls as a dare at uni and its quite interesting how couples meet other couples and have fun etc. He was very shy about it and said he doesnt like the idea of anyone else coming that close to me and would prefer not to think about it as I am his wife and having his child..He also told me not to mention it to anyone especially friends or co-workers as he doesnt want anyone to take advantage of me or let anyone entice me into the idea of a 3 some etc..


Anyways my own fault I admit now i continued talkng and he then questioned if I had ever had a sexual relationship with any of my freinds? I tried to ascertain if we could who would we choose and it was purely innocent. I asked him the same about his freinds and we laughed made love some more and fell asleep.
That was the end of the convo and the next morning he was smirking and said he liked how i tried to keep him mind off his " aches and pain" and realised I needed more attention and mentally stimulating as well as physically and it wasnt fair how he had been treating me.




Anyways fast forward a few days and I get a freind messaging me and calling me saying that someone had messaged her on TANGO site and I wasnt fully aware of what it is but she explained to me it was like facebook. She said Ithink your husband is messaging me and she sent me a screen shot- MY HEART SANK!!


He apparently had messaged her by mistake 2 nights ago (this was the same freind he asked if i had done anythng with) and said he was doing some "research" and if she could kindly not tell his wife and he wouldnt message her again...


she ignored it and then got a watsapp message from him today lunchtime trying to chit chat generally saying u look familiar etc and then my friend told him to FC UK OFF basically and once again he apologised and said dont tell my wife... I messaged u by mistake etc...


She called me today and was really upset saying I really dont want to tell you as u are pregnant and due any minute however this is whats happened and she sent me screen shots of the convos.. I WAS ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED.. i feel sick to my stomach and equally I feel betrayed.


Its now the wee hours in the morning ive just finished speaking to her and I am lost as to what i should do now...


I feel like a mug because I was just tryna to lighten his mood and forget about his mental state and also try and trigger off pregnancy. Therefore speaking to him like that I had no intention of messing about or think for one minute he would message any of my friends.


In order for him to watsapp my freind that means he must have gotten her number from my phone and also snooped through it which if im honest he always grabs my phone when im cooking and snoops through it and it gets to a point where i have to SHOUT AT HIM and say ur suffocating me and y are u always snooping and he laughs and says hes nosy.






I really need some opinions what next step shall i take?>


1- Go wake him up right now and demand answers (but anything he says will just be absolute bull and him begging me to forgive him etc)


2-tell my freind to play along and see how far he will conversate with her- will he agree to meet up? tell her he fancies her? But if he continues with his convo I dont know if i could handle he responds to her- If he takes it any further I WILL LEAVE HIM AND DIVORCE HIM- i have no tolerance for any form of cheating especially with my friends.


3- Ignore the situation and just brush it under the carpet as I have been married 5 years, we've just got a house together and I really dont like the idea of bringing a child up without its father.




DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY OTHER SUGGESTION?
I WANT YOU TO ALL BE HONEST- A PART OF ME THINKS ITS MY OWN FAULT FOR TRYING TO GET HIS MIND OFF HIS "ACHES AND PAINS"

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Cool story, bro.

FBaby

If it was me, I wouldn't have had time to think how I should react, anger would have taken over and i would have been right at him, showing him the screenshots and asking him what that was all about, trying hard not to scream and shout.

marisco_2

*Diva* wrote: »

In order for him to watsapp my freind that means he must have gotten her number from my phone and also snooped through it

A person' s mental state cant be altered simply by attempting to lift their mood. Especially when their problems run as deep as your husbands do. When he had to go to all the above effort in order to contact your friend there is also no ' I messaged her by mistake love, twice!'.

Don't play silly games waiting to see what may develop next. Trying to catch him out again will most likely backfire spectacularly, and lead to more heartbreak and irretrievable damage to your relationship. You two are about to bring a child, a vulnerable young life, into the world. Address this horrible situation as an adult and speak calmly with your husband as soon as possible is my advice. This is the only way to know exactly where you stand, and to be able to make informed decisions about your future.

sharnad

Tell him you weren't serious when you introduced the three some topic and how hurt you would e if he did anything about it

Cottage_Economy

You might find your husband is trying to please you, maybe thinking you would be happy if he presented the friend you made out was attractive as a willing partner for the two of you.

Or you start talking about other women, which adds a bit of spice to your lovemaking, and maybe he's thinking that it would be exciting for the spice to stay.

Or maybe he is a scumbag and thinks your friend might be easy after your conversation together (did you say anything about this friend?)

The key I think is whether he was doing this before the whole subject came up that night.

ostrichnomore_2

You haven't said exactly what was in the messages but they must have been quite offensive for your friend to tell him to f off, and to come to you about it.

I wonder if he took your fantasies/conversation seriously? He hasn't suddenly changed from the person he was before. It could be that it was always a secret fantasy of his that he thinks 'great, wifeys up for it, let give it a whirl'. Or it could be that he thinks it's something you want to do and he is trying to sort it out to make you happy, despite not really being keen himself.

Fantasies of all sorts are fine. A couple has to agree which are strictly fantasy and which are a wish-list. Talk to him about it.

(on the odd behaviour - not relevant to all this - but he has a problem he should see the doctor about. Don't want to do that internet diagnosis thing, but he really needs to go. And you need to stop feeding it by washing clothes multiple times etc for him. If he can't bear for this not to happen, let him do it, but you need to be able to live in a normal way. Not easy with someone with this type of behaviour, but it can be done and it does a lot for your own welfare).

*Diva*

FBaby wrote: »

If it was me, I wouldn't have had time to think how I should react, anger would have taken over and i would have been right at him, showing him the screenshots and asking him what that was all about, trying hard not to scream and shout.

If I was younger or if he was just a short term boyfriend then perhaps I would not have kept quiet about it. I would have stormed up and dragged him out of bed and screamed and shouted etc.. but reality is I am a 25 yr old married woman whose having his child. Im not sure what is the right way to deal with it but certainly not this - as tempting as it is!!

*Diva*

marisco wrote: »

A person' s mental state cant be altered simply by attempting to lift their mood. Especially when their problems run as deep as your husbands do. When he had to go to all the above effort in order to contact your friend there is also no ' I messaged her by mistake love, twice!'.

Don't play silly games waiting to see what may develop next. Trying to catch him out again will most likely backfire spectacularly, and lead to more heartbreak and irretrievable damage to your relationship. You two are about to bring a child, a vulnerable young life, into the world. Address this horrible situation as an adult and speak calmly with your husband as soon as possible is my advice. This is the only way to know exactly where you stand, and to be able to make informed decisions about your future.

Yes I am realising now that we cant keep brushing his mental state under the carpet as it will and is getting far more severe. He thinks it will all be alright once I give birth


OH I KNOW! an excuse of "I messaged her by mistake" will not be justifiable. But I somehow wish he did. As pathetic as it sounds. hmmm I was thinking of dealing with it like an adult or else I would have been at his throat this morning- he went to work this morning and did his usual talk to the bump and It felt soooooo difficault to keep a smile on my face knowing what he has been doing.

dragonette

I suppose part of it is, did he get the impression (justified or not!) That this was an active request for a threesome, or a chat about possibilites but obv not atm. Or not going to happen but nice to think about.

Might be worth asking what he thought tt meant, but it may be difficult to smooth things with your friend. Good luck

*Diva*

sharnad wrote: »

Tell him you weren't serious when you introduced the three some topic and how hurt you would e if he did anything about it

So its kind of my fault for trying to keep his mind occupied. Had I known this was going to happen I really wouldnt have said anything and just let him continue in the state he was in.


The wierd thing was he kept saying
"plz dont ever cheat on me with a man, if it makes u happy with a woman thats fine u dont even have to tell me. but not with a man"


when I questioned him about his thinking he said it was because a woman couldnt make me pregnant...