Money and Me - A Love/Hate Story

in_need_of_direction

You can throw the £60 a fortnight reiki costs into the mix. That, of course, was in addition to the self help, career guidance, skin care, candles. At least you're at an age where you can stop the rot with enough time to redesign your life if you choose. Stick at it

skintygerlinky

Evening all xx

Wow thanks so much for you replies!! Means a lot to feel empathy and support on here, so glad everyone can inspire each other.
Can I cautiously say...I'm glad we can laugh about it all, too? I really don't mean laugh unkindly at each other, just giggle at past mistakes?

Frankly, you can laugh your head off at me - I sooooo badly believed that my problems would disappear if I just drank green tea and read about lawyers who started wearing robes and talked about how gardens are metaphors or something. Now, I'm not nastily deriding this - of course these approaches help people feel better in themselves.

But...the route I decided to take was, spend money on green tea to sip whilst reading about this odd monk...then remembered I hated green tea, made a cup of Typhoo and flicked through a magazine, thinking 'ooh!! That top looks nice on Angelina Jolie!! And look - Jane Normal does one almost exactly the same! Just in a different pattern! And colour! And style! But I will be like her if I buy it!' and so on and.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

Buffy - can't BELIEVE our stories are so similar!! But I'm starting to see that we're not an uncommon tale. Not sure how long I will be here at my parents, I ain't going anywhere at the mo that's for sure. We get on fine thank goodness and I pay my way etc. Just not the way I thought things would have worked out. Am so sorry to hear about your dad xxx

lula & debtfree - lovely to hear from you!! Let me know where about you are on the forum and best of luck to you in your financial journeys too xx

rainbow & direction - hahahaaa!! Can so relate to your other 'cure all's' too!!
My friend qualified in some sort of therapy and offered me 'mates rates' of £25 p/hr (!! I know!! Good God!) for a treatment. Now, I love massages and thought I would be in for something similar but the treatment involved lying fully clothed on her massage bed whilst she seemed to...rub my arms over my clothes, then LEAVE THE ROOM for 10mins, come back, rub my arms again and say I'll leave you now to detox'. I lay there listening to the twinkly music, thinking 'A stranger in the street could've bumped into me for free and I'd get the same effect' and then promptly fell asleep.

Ho Hum!!!!!!!!! Hope you're all having a lovely weekend and will look forward to reading anything anyone wants to share on here xxx

skintygerlinky

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Again.

Flashback: a few years ago in work, I made a friend who one day brought up the subject of money which, honestly, no friend of mine had ever really done before - OK, we'd discussed that we were skint, or if we were saving up for a holiday but that was it.

My friend and I discussed two of our colleagues who both seemed, in our opinion, to have a fabulous attitude towards their finances.
They both saved, one had bought a house and was doing it up and hoping to sell it on "to bank some money for the kids" whilst the other enjoying investing her stocks and shares and had a holiday home in France.
Neither lived an extravagant lifestyle, but they and their hubbys earned decent-ish salaries. They just seemed....sensible. To me they seemed....grown up.

My friend and I discussed these colleagues and wanted to be like them. But we were both a bit hopeless. She ended up buying me a financial guide aimed at women. The feminist in me bristled - why was it aimed at women?? etc...until I read the first few pages.

The author described how, when she was younger, she was rubbish with money - her attitudes and experiences seemed so similar to my own. She admitted that, in her teens and twenties, she honestly just thought 'when I'm older, this will all just be taken care of because I'll be married'.

Ohhhhhhhhhh - that stopped me cold as I realised this was just what I was thinking. It was all very vague and subconscious but....somehow, I just assumed I would have it all figured out because my husband would know how to handle money.

WHAT THE HELL, SKINTY???????????????

I'm bright red with burning embarrassment typing this.

How did I think that assuming such a naïve attitude to MY OWN financial future would somehow be OK?
How did I think that presenting myself a lovely bloke by saying 'you're lovely - can you take care of all of this, please?' would in any way be an acceptable way to behave?
How did I think that it was OK to passively give away my independence like this??
How did I think it was OK to be so damn selfish?

If the shoe was on the other foot - if a guy said to me 'I'm really quite dim when it comes to my own finances, in fact I'd like you to sort them out for me. Now, will you marry me?' I would have ran away faster than a leopard on drugs.

So, now I'm skinty. I've managed to pay off chunks of debt by myself and now 'only' owe student loans.

But they're MY loans. MY debt. I own it, I'm responsible. No way is it up to anyone else to bail me out, I need to do this.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Oh how we live and learn eh??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkO9us2ZmGg

skintygerlinky

Oh...in other news I have 5 different tubs of body lotion, all have been opened, all used a little bit, all dumped on shelf.

How's about we USE THEM?!!!

Mara_uk7

Loving your writing style and sense of fun while dealing with a serious subject. Can I stalk you on here please

skintygerlinky

Hi Mara xx

Stalk away!! Let me know where you are on this lovely forum too and I'll see you there!

Mara_uk7

Ah Skinty, im a shy retiring soul, no diary, but I do like to lurk quietly and throw pebbles in the ponds sometimes

his_missus

Skinty, who controlled the finances when you were growing up - mum or dad? Does this have some bearing on you thinking your Hubby would sort out finances?

My mum dealt with everything. Dad's wage went into her account and she gave him pocket money. He didn't open his own account until he was 60!
Whilst I've not been great with my finances in the past, I'm the one who organises Hubby and our money. His wage pays the bills and DDs, my wage pays for everyday stuff and savings. His mum also holds the purse strings so he is quite used to a woman dealing with money.

skintygerlinky

Hi Mara - splash away with your pebbles! Thanks for reading xx

Hi His Missus - this is a good question!! Growing up, both my parents worked full time. I get the impression that my dad's wages paid for bricks and mortar (mortgage) and bills and he gave my mum 'housekeeping money' for food, clothes for us kids, school dinners etc. My mum's wages were saved for holidays, Christmas and birthday presents and treats, days out etc.

Later on, my mum revealed to me that she'd always had a secret stash of money to dip into, her own mother had advised her to do that.

I'm the youngest of four and my siblings had left home by the time I was a teenager and around then my dad opened his own business.
Things changed financially then!! My dad was obviously dealing with an accountant, business advisors, was responsible for the building his business was in etc etc. He took out a few loans, had an overdraft and was in lots of debt, which he kind of ignored - lots of letters going unopened, bank statements being ignored etc.

My mum at this point decided that all this was 'too complicated for her' and didn't get involved. A few years later she was complaining bitterly about my dad's finances and myself and my sister gently but assertively said she needed to find out!! It was no good being passive if her own credit history or, even worse, her home was at stake!
At first she didn't want to know but in the end sat down with my dad and asked him to be completely honest about the finances of the business. They managed to dig themselves out of a hole, which I'm proud of for both of them.

Today, my dad rents his premises out and it's still touch and go whether he gets paid! He does like to shop around for good deals eg his phone contract, fuel etc but then he can let it slide. My mum still budgets really well and has her own secret stash!! But she still leaves 'the big finances' to my dad.

Hmmmmmmm!! Quite a mixed picture - there is some sense in there on both sides, alongside a lot of burying heads in sand. I guess I'm a combo of both of them?!

skintygerlinky

Had a meeting at the bank today - was only sorting out paperwork and updating a few details.

Had to give employment details and salary.

And I felt ashamed. I felt bad that I earn so much and had nothing to show for my employment history - no home, hardly any savings, no investments.

Felt like I was worth so little. And it's my fault.

Not a good day.

(Still got offered an overdraft and credit card TWICE which I turned down!! What bit of me looks like I could repay any of the above?!! Yer 'avin a laff, kid!)