Husband Wants To Leave Us

yorkshirepudding_4

Hi guys

My husband broke it to me that he "wants to live on his own" ie-leaving me and our 2 year old daughter, on father's day. Great timing huh? He says he isn't cut out for married life and wants his freedom back.

I am just coming to terms with it now but I'm still in a real mess. We've both been suffering with depression, his has been treated but the antidepressants aren't working for me. I am also suffering with fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and severe back/neck pain.

I seem to go from being really cool and collected, partially becuase sometimes I think it's a great opportunity for us to start again and find somebody better, but also because I think he will find me more attractive if I come across as being strong and independant. Then intermitantly I term into a blubbering fool begging and pleading that I will do anything to keep him happy.

His "deal" would be that he will be able to come home at whatever time he likes, work whenever he likes, see his friends all the time, for me to keep an immaculate house (he is tidy, I'm not) and for me to not ask him to do anything for me or our daughter and not to criticise him or be unhappy with him in any way shape or form no matter how rubbish he is.

I'm so angry, and so sad. I look at photos of our daughter as a baby and remember all our hopes and dreams for the future. Part of me would still like to make it work, but only if he was willing to change, and he's not.

I can't afford to keep the house but he has signed a letter to me saying that he will keep the finances as they are and he will find any extra income he needs through his business. We got it witnessed, will it be legally binding?

I guess I just need some advice from you guys. I am very alone, I have spent the last 6 years putting everything into this and he has been my best friend, I have lost touch with most of my friends and the couple that I have left aren't particularly close.

TheWaltons_3

Doing all those things for him... letting him go and come as he likes.. not make demands on your for HIS child, you made together... come onnnnn... you deserve more than that!

Tell him fine, you move out then. Be strong. He will either come back when his head is straight or he will stay away. Don't be a doormat. You can be happy and single.. you will have more time for your little one in a loving environment without him... you can go back to work.. you can start dating again. It isn't as scary as you think. YOU DO NOT NEED him. You have to be strong within yourself and you can do it... how many single mums are there on these boards who are doing it now?

Don't cling to him and try to make him stay.. you want him to stay because he loves you. He will disrespect you even more for being clingy.

xxx

isualive

Big hugs to you, what a turmoil. I'm sure someone will be along to give you advice on the legal side. This site is so full of support.

Keep your chin up, if the medication isn't working you should visit your GP and get it changed. My mums not long had hers changed and it made one hell of a difference.

elona

So the "deal" is that he becomes like a bachelor and employer and you become like a servant?

*Louise*

yorkshirepudding wrote: »

His "deal" would be that he will be able to come home at whatever time he likes, work whenever he likes, see his friends all the time, for me to keep an immaculate house (he is tidy, I'm not) and for me to not ask him to do anything for me or our daughter and not to criticise him or be unhappy with him in any way shape or form no matter how rubbish he is.

First of all, (((Hugs))) what an awful situation....

So he wants the single life...but with someone to come home to, keep house and look after his child? He seems to awant it all, with no give and take whatsoever. WOuld YOU be allowed to make these demands? And would he just sit quite happily at home doing housework while you went out to the pub with your mates? I think not.

I think he is being extremely selfish.

You have to do what is best for you and your child - if he is off doing his own thing and you are sitting at home, will that make you happy? Is that the sort of relatioship you want? Tbh, it's not exactly loving or fulfilling, is it? A relationship should be a PARTNERSHIP....please don't let yourself be walked over just to keep him.

If I were in that situation, I would hold my head high and show him the door...let him live on his own for a while and experience the downside of being alone.

Show him you can manage without him (even if you have to fake it) and he will soon realise what he is missing.

yorkshirepudding_4

hi everyone. this is my 3rd lot of antidepressants, doc is reluctant to try me on any more.

i think i am realising that staying with him is not the answer, but i am so scared of being on my own. although i love my daughter to bits and adore being a stay at home mum, for the past 2 years I have spent my days looking forward to 6 oclock when he comes home.

zebidee1

Heck I feel so sorry for you, it's a horrible position to be in. I've had my fair share of relationship hassles over the years so I know where you're at right now.

Only you know your husband, but it sounds to me as if he has simply had enough and feels that there is a better way to live for him. Unless he is generally an out and out nasty git and has been since you met him, I don't think he is particularly trying to hurt you by saying what he has (even although that has been what's happened). I suspect he just needs everything to be different in order for him to be happy. Whether this is a reaction to difficult times and might pass or whether this is the way he needs it to be, who knows?

What I do know, is that people do not respect doormats. Whatever else happens, don't let him see you in the role of doormat, you will NOT regain his love and respect once he sees you like that. It's obvious that for him, he needs his lifestyle to change but that does not mean you should be put even further down because of it.

Let him go. Let him work through his issues. Staying together whilst having none of the respect and consideration that a normal relationship should bring, is a recipe for disaster. Be strong, he may well see things (and you) in a different light once he realises the grass is not always greener. By that time you may well see things differently yourself.

*Louise*

yorkshirepudding wrote: »

hi everyone. this is my 3rd lot of antidepressants, doc is reluctant to try me on any more.

i think i am realising that staying with him is not the answer, but i am so scared of being on my own. although i love my daughter to bits and adore being a stay at home mum, for the past 2 years I have spent my days looking forward to 6 oclock when he comes home.

Please don't be scared - what would your daughter prefer? A downtrodden mum (no offence, but that seems to be what he is attempting to do to you) or one who is strong and...you will be eventually...happy?

I look forward to my OH coming home every night as well, but that's because I get lots of attention and he spends time with our 2 boys. Have you considered getting a hobby, or rekindling some old friendships....just to get some adult company so you're not dependant on him so much?

EmmaLi

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about this. I have to echo what the others say and tell you that you deserve more than this. Also, remember that your little girl will see this as she grows up and think that all mummies do is clean up after men and let them dictate to them. Do you want your daughter to end up like that.

As for your medication, if your doctor isn't happy to try anything else ask for a referral to a consultant psychiatrist who will be able to properly assess your meds and prescribe something else or just put the dosage up.

Stay strong and take care of yourself and your little girl.

Em

TheWaltons_3

EmmaLi wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about this. I have to echo what the others say and tell you that you deserve more than this. Also, remember that your little girl will see this as she grows up and think that all mummies do is clean up after men and let them dictate to them. Do you want your daughter to end up like that.


Em

Exactly. Your daughter could end up with a man like this, in the same kind of relationship.

pinkshoes

Maybe him leaving will help with your depression, because it could be like a massive weight off your shoulders!?!

You need to stand your ground, and be firm with him. He either wants the family life (wife, child, he earns the money, you look after the house, spend your evenings together), or the batchelor life (freedom to come and go as he pleases, but he also has to do everything for himself, including washing his own pants!).

HE CANNOT HAVE BOTH OPTIONS! He's just being childish and greedy, so if he can't decide which one he wants, then decide for him, and tell him you're not his slave, so until he can treat you with the respect you deserve, then it's best he leaves.