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Counting_Pennies_2

Grooming comes to my mind too.


A 14 year old can look very grown up. The 17 year old might in all honesty feel he is doing nothing wrong, but I would be alarmed enormously by this.


I would contact the police in my mind, or speak to the school to see if you can find out who the 17 year old is.


It does sound to me as if she might have made repayment already to the 17 year old based on her behaviour though!

scotsbob

Iamanae wrote: »

There has been a few pound disappearing from my purse, at first I thought it was just me miscounting or not remembering buying something, but then it happened when I knew exactly what was there, and it was still short. she promises it wasn't her but with everything else going on I'm not sure I believe her.


she said the 17 year old boy has bought her a packets of cigarettes.


scotsbob, I think you are right, treats for doing the right thing might be the best way to look at it.


I have tried what professor yaffle suggests though and have told her she can earn money, but all I get is 'I don't care' especially if walking the dog is mentioned.

When teenagers are deprived of money they steal, sorry but it is a fact.
Please don't take this as a criticism but is it possible that she is spending time with this boy because he devotes time to her?

Many single parents find that juggling work/home/friends is very demanding and time consuming. A teenage girl can feel left out in these situations. Then along comes a person who shows her attention and she is hooked.

I feel that if you can break the present situation of her and her friend bonding to combat you then things may change. There must be some situations in which you and your daughter are together and doing things you both enjoy. Increasing those situations may be a good idea.

Good luck

Vejovis

scotsbob wrote: »

When teenagers are deprived of money they steal, sorry but it is a fact.
Please don't take this as a criticism but is it possible that she is spending time with this boy because he devotes time to her?

Many single parents find that juggling work/home/friends is very demanding and time consuming. A teenage girl can feel left out in these situations. Then along comes a person who shows her attention and she is hooked.

I feel that if you can break the present situation of her and her friend bonding to combat you then things may change. There must be some situations in which you and your daughter are together and doing things you both enjoy. Increasing those situations may be a good idea.

Good luck

I agree with this, I am a single parent and it's very hard to juggle work and home. It doesn't have to be anything big, a pyjama day with a film and popcorn is something me and my daughter enjoy at a weekend.

lessonlearned

Is there any way you can alter your work hours so that you can be home earlier, even if it's just for a few weeks so you can try and break the cycle. I did this in the end.

I had similar issues with one of my sons when he was your daughter's age. Perhaps my story might help you a little.

Although I was not a single parent my husband did work away from home during the week and this may have been a contributory factor in things going wrong, although I don't know for sure.

I had tried working with the school and they were very helpful, especially his form teacher. However, with the best will in the world, schools cannot guide and protect children after they have left the school premises.

My son was quite immature for his age and easily led astray by the more unruly element at school. Like your daughter he was a bit dazzled by them and wanted to fit in.

There was a particular incident that finally prompted me to change our lives and be around more. I just happened to be at home one afternoon - it was my day off - when he came home from school.

His face was white and he was shaking like a leaf. He had taken a short cut with one of his mates - it was a route I had advised him not to take on dark winter evenings but hey they knew better.

They were attacked by a group of older boys - the assailants were all about 18 or 19. My son and his mate were held at knife point and had their money, mobiles etc stolen.

I think it really shook him and maybe he might have changed his ways after that but I wasn't prepared to take any chances. That was when I decided I needed to be around more.

He was falling in with the wrong crowd and I think the mugging was in part due to this. The police agreed explaining that when they start keeping bad company, hanging out with undesirables then "things tend to happen" - was how they put it.

I started taking and picking him up from school again and making sure that he was not left to his own devices after school. We had a few heart to hearts, I tried not to nag and I would always point out that I loved him and that I would always be "on his side" but he had to make changes too.

We had tried all the usual after school activities but not being sporty it was difficult to find a suitable hobby or past-time that he could really engage with, other than computers. Eventually I offered him guitar lessons, more out of desperation than hope, and it worked a treat. He took to music like a duck to water, practised like a demon and very soon became a very proficient player.

And - without even trying - because he could play a guitar, he suddenly became one of the cool kids in his own right. He no longer had to try and impress anyone or fit in with the bad boys. He could just be himself and do his own thing.

Whilst he still spoke to the old gang and was friendly enough to them he stopped hanging around them and getting into trouble. His schoolwork and behaviour improved and he was altogether a much happier boy.

I think my decision to make sure I was at home for him after school was the real turning point. He immediately just seemed to calm down and relax and was much more content. Most of the time he seemed happy that I was just there in the background, even when I was doing some work and not actually giving him full on one to one attention. Just my being around was enough.

I think we sometimes forget that teenagers can be just as emotional and needy as toddlers - although they would never admit of course.

VfM4meplse

^^^^ You did the right thing.

It would be great if people could give up work to look after their kids, unfortunately the economic reality dictates otherwise.

lessonlearned

I didn't give up work. I explained my problems to my boss and they let me change my working hours. It meant having to bring work home but I felt it was worth while.

You are right though, not everyone can do this. My boss was very understanding.

I did this as a short term measure whilst I thought things through.

Eventually I decided that although my boss was happy enough with the situation it did make life difficult for him, so in the end I went self employed.

MrsCrafty

Iamanae wrote: »

i'm not sure I could take the mumsnet type of criticism for not being the perfect parent.

Gosh, I do know what you mean, full of SAHM witches with enough vitriol and nastiness to make a person jump under a bus!

I don't have any immediate solutions, but what about talking to the boy or his parents. By all means let them grow up and experiment (I can't believe I have said that as sister was pregnant at 14 in the early 70s by parents trying to be liberal), but you could make her life much more interesting by inviting them to join you at bowling/a show/skating/dinner at yours, then they will not see you as a threat and I bet it fizzles out.

j.e.j.

I agree with lessonlearned, you need to try and nip this in the bud. Your child needs to take priority right now. Not having a parent at home does make a difference.

Iamanae

as far as I can tell the boy never went to the same school as DD, he went to another. DD gets stroppy when I ask for more information about him, so i'm not sure where i'll get it from.

Iamanae

I wish I could change my working hours, but as I work in a shop that's only open 9 until 5 then i'm a bit stuck unless I lose some hours, but then we'd be struggling financially. I have told DD that I will be taking her to school from now on to make sure she gets there on time, so that's one less thing for the school to worry about.


thanks for the replies everyone.