Mum in hospital - advice needed

downshifter98

The nursing home seemed fine - atmosphere was relaxed and it's long established. Dad seemed as happy as possible but it's main attraction is the closeness to where Mum and Dad live; about a 20 minute walk. The general facilities were OK but Mum is pretty bed bound so not sure that they mattered very much. The nursing home manager visited Mum (in hospital) on Friday and I guess things will move ahead fairly quickly now (Mum's general health permitting). All very surreal and although I'm happy that things seem to be working out 'for the best' I'm just left feeling overwhelmingly sad for all of us, ho hum.

paigesaunt

Just wanted to offer my support for you and your dad, but you are doing the right thing by putting your mums needs before your own despite the immense pressure, stress and sadness you are both feeling knowing you have to tell your mum, must be so hard for you both.

Could you maybe tell her it's just a stepping stone from hospital to home, to avoid upsetting her.
Good luck and please let us know how mum is doing.

Just to add, my friend is a carer, and they do come in throughout the night to turn, so it is still an option, although probably not the best one for your dad, as someone said earlier, he would have quality time with her during the day, but be properly rested at night.

I cared for my mum for her last 3 years, it was the most amazing experience of my life, hard work, but the most rewarding thing I have ever done, or am ever likely to do. I imagine that's how your dad feels, it's the last thing you can do, to show your devoted love to someone.

downshifter98

Thanks paigesaunt

Dad has been Mum's carer for the last 30 years and has done an amazing job but it's been difficult (sorry Mum!). I view what we are doing now as being as much for Dad as for Mum but Dad is obviously distressed (well, she is only 71) but does accept that Mum's care is now beyond him. At the moment I think Mum is hearing what she wants regarding it being a temporary stay and I don't really see the point of pointing out the likely truth to her (that probably goes for most care home entrants...) so we will continue to take it a day at a time.
The worst part of all of it is seeing just how totally unhappy Mum (and therefore Dad) is about her whole situation but tough love will have to be enough for now.

pauletruth

please watch after your dad after your mum has gone in to the nursing home. would be good to get him seen by the doctor. lots of carers ignore there own health. once the care burden has been lifted they start to struggle. there is no way that a community nurse can provide the level of care that your mum needs. up here the maximum package is 4 visits.

however bed sores are a sign of bad care. has she been eating a decent diet she needs to see the dietitian she is malnourished.

cattermole

It's true when you suddenly stop caring it is very hard to adjust. But your Dad will be busy going to see her and hopefully they will both adjust a bit and you. As you say take it one day at a time.

Glad the home seems ok, big hugs to you all. xx

Morglin

Glad you got your mum into a good nursing home, as that makes all the difference.

My mum was found a good one, but it's been difficult with Dad, and although she has now died, it continues to be so!

I suppose it's his age (86) but despite all we try to do, he constantly moans (after 3 years) that he doesn't want to be alive without her, he's fed up etc., etc.,

He'd not depressed - just wants the past back, and whatever we suggest, such as lunch clubs etc., he won't even attempt.

He gets scammed, again and again, by cold callers, because he thinks they are genuine and friendly, so then I spend days getting refunds etc.,

We found out he was spending £60 per week on charities because the way they do the begging letters makes it seem as though they are just writing to him - I have put a stop to that!

But, he's been a brilliant Dad, so on we press.

Just be aware that the elderly parent left at home can sometimes act out of character.

Lin

downshifter98

Hi all.

Sadly, after 5 weeks in the care home, Mum succumbed to a massive infection (probably from her many bedsores) and died in the early hours of yesterday morning in our local hospital; life really did become awful for her and despite our best efforts she never did regain anything of her old self - I'm trying to remind myself that she is finally out of pain but mainly just feel that numbness that anyone who has lost a close loved one will recognise.

Thanks to all for their kind advice on this 'thread' and long may forums like this continue.

downshifter98

Indie_Kid

Very sorry to hear your sad news x

kazzah60

dear Downshifter
I am thinking of you at this sad time - losing your mother is a HUGE loss I lost mine when I was 38 and there isn't a day goes by when i don't think of her talk about her or wish she was here for me to speak to.
Time doesn't heal the wound - but it helps you to learn to live with the loss.
Your mum is safe and well and pain free - try to hang onto that thought
kindest thoughts
Karen x

HB58

I am sorry for your loss, Downshifter. You and your Dad will need each other more than ever at this time, don't forget to look after yourself too!