Mum in hospital - advice needed

Morglin

cattermole wrote: »

Absolutely should be his decision but the point is that "nursing care" can be provided in someone's own home and should be if that is their wish. The Social Worker and the GP should have arranged the appropriate care in his own home if that was what was needed and if they didn't try and facilitate this then they were failing in their duty of care to him.

From bitter experience, all the care plans are drawn up ok, but they tend to fall apart fairly frequently, what with unreliable carers, doctors that won't come out, OT's with no idea of what Dementia involves etc., etc., - especially when the person is physically helpless as well.

Until homecare fulfils what is promised, instead of promising the world just in order to throw the responsibility onto the family, it will mean most have to go into care homes, at some point, unless there are a lot of family members to help out.

Lin

downshifter98

Visited Mum again yesterday; she is distraught at the thought of staying in hospital any longer and then nursing care. It's quite heartbreaking to see how unhappy she is and I just wish I could magic a solution; the hospital are doing what they can but Mum's needs are almost overwhelming. She is now down to a little over 6 stone but is currently eating pretty well. The bedsores have improved a little, apparently, and the original problem (chest infection) is fixed for now. Dad, on the other hand, has realised that Mum going home will almost certainly shorten her life and he wants her to stay alive irregardless of her condition so is flatly ignoring her pleas to go home (which would also put a crazy amount of pressure on him). There are certainly no easy solutions but thanks again for all advice given so far - very humbling.

Mojisola

A lot of people hate the idea of going into a care home but, after seeing my Dad have his last year in one, I'm not at all worried now.

There are poor homes and there are bad carers but if there are family around to choose a good home and keep an eye on what is happening, it can be fine.

My Dad was much happier in the resdiential home than he had been at home after Mum died.

One of the other residents had her husband visiting for most of every day. He had his main meal with the residents so didn't need to cook in the evening when he went home but he was able to relax and get a good night's sleep knowing that his wife had people watching over her.

cattermole

Its a very hard situation for everyone Accepting things is very very hard indeed for everyone. Big hug.

Mojosla is right that the specific care/nursing home is crucial and it makes a massive difference. The one my Dad eventually ended up in was fantastic and treated him with such respect and the staff were lovely. But sadly it is hard to find a good one and it can be very time consuming. I would rule out any that belong to any of the large care companies like Southern Cross. Go for either charity run ones, smaller companies and talk to other people, friends etc and often your GP/Mum's can be a good reference point for more information. I know our GP said there is only one in our area he would go to himself.

But if your Mum really want's to go home then all you and your Dad can do is to get as much care you possibly can put in place to make her comfortable and take the strain of your Dad as much as possible. Or perhaps you could approach it on the basis of a transfer from Hospital to a nursing home as a step to coming home with your Mum and see how it goes from there?

SandraScarlett

I've yet to meet anyone who was looking forward to going into a Care Home, but many accept the situation within a relatively short time.


I'm sure I can cope with DH because I served my apprenticeship when my widowed Mum was so frail that she couldn't cope at home ............. but made sure, on a daily basis, that I knew this wasn't ideal for her. But, eventually, she accepted it.


Although DH is still living at home, he was not originally enamoured about going to a Day Centre (2 years ago), but now he has deteriorated, and accepts it is part of his life.


A restaurant is only as good as its chef, a school is only as good as its Head, and a Care Home is only as good as its Manager. The first home my Mum was in, for a few months, did not have positive leadership, and this reflected on the Home.


She then came home for a few weeks, but was back in hospital, and then in a Care Home for 7 years until she died. I was teaching down the road, and in fact taught the children of many of the staff at the Home. The standard was excellent, and worth every penny, and I really hope that your Mum is comfortable and well cared for, and as pain free as possible.


Good Luck!


xx

Morglin

downshifter98 wrote: »

Visited Mum again yesterday; she is distraught at the thought of staying in hospital any longer and then nursing care. It's quite heartbreaking to see how unhappy she is and I just wish I could magic a solution; the hospital are doing what they can but Mum's needs are almost overwhelming. She is now down to a little over 6 stone but is currently eating pretty well. The bedsores have improved a little, apparently, and the original problem (chest infection) is fixed for now. Dad, on the other hand, has realised that Mum going home will almost certainly shorten her life and he wants her to stay alive irregardless of her condition so is flatly ignoring her pleas to go home (which would also put a crazy amount of pressure on him). There are certainly no easy solutions but thanks again for all advice given so far - very humbling.

My mum was very disorientated and upset at first, even through the dementia, but she soon settled in, and was as happy as anyone with Dementia can be (they lose most emotions anyway).

Dad used to sit and cry at what he saw as his failure, but he did adjust and felt better when he saw how well looked after she was.

It's hugely stressful, at this point, with emotions and agencies having to be dealt with - but, it usually does get better.

Keep your chin up, as you will get through it.

Lin

SandraScarlett

Morglin wrote: »

My mum was very disorientated and upset at first, even through the dementia, but she soon settled in, and was as happy as anyone with Dementia can be (they lose most emotions anyway).

Dad used to sit and cry at what he saw as his failure, but he did adjust and felt better when he saw how well looked after she was.

It's hugely stressful, at this point, with emotions and agencies having to be dealt with - but, it usually does get better.

Keep your chin up, as you will get through it.

Lin

Wise words (as always) from Lin. Guilt used to gnaw at my bones for what I saw as a failure with regards to DH, when he first had dementia, 10 years ago. Everyone said I had nothing to feel guilty about, which is, of course, what I'd say to anyone else.


I felt guilty that I couldn't be as patient as the books tell you to be, but time makes you view things in a different way. All carers have a very stressful time of it, and cannot have the patience of Mother Theresa at all times.


I sincerely hope this all sorts out for you, downshifter, and Thank God your parents have got you to fight their corner.


xx

downshifter98

Thanks. All is calm at the moment; the assessment is ongoing and although Mum thinks they are lying about the 'temporary' nature of any nursing care (she remains as sharp as ever) I've done my best to make sure both Mum and Dad are realistic about the situation and emphasised that Dad's care is just as important (Dad has been an absolute angel for the past 30 years but we all have our limits). Mum continues to fret about the cost of care, of course, but did suggest we need to do a bit of research into local nursing homes so perhaps she is becoming a bit more realistic (Dad has reminded me that he only wants the best for Mum, so no pressure there then....). Our local London Borough only has 3 decent size care homes with nursing so it shouldn't be that tough to do. Being sceptical re CHC I'm expecting social services to be the prime funder but starting to realise there could be a 'top-up' element to deal with...time will tell.

Thanks again for support.

cattermole

downshifter98 wrote: »

Thanks. All is calm at the moment; the assessment is ongoing and although Mum thinks they are lying about the 'temporary' nature of any nursing care (she remains as sharp as ever) I've done my best to make sure both Mum and Dad are realistic about the situation and emphasised that Dad's care is just as important (Dad has been an absolute angel for the past 30 years but we all have our limits). Mum continues to fret about the cost of care, of course, but did suggest we need to do a bit of research into local nursing homes so perhaps she is becoming a bit more realistic (Dad has reminded me that he only wants the best for Mum, so no pressure there then....). Our local London Borough only has 3 decent size care homes with nursing so it shouldn't be that tough to do. Being sceptical re CHC I'm expecting social services to be the prime funder but starting to realise there could be a 'top-up' element to deal with...time will tell.

Thanks again for support.

Thanks for coming back, glad something is happening for you all. Don't let them not do the CHC assessment, the Nurse has already implied CHC should be considered (this leads me to think she has passed the checklist which is the first stage). I know quite a bit about getting CHC and if you need any help don't hesitate to shout. Get friendly with the Discharge Nurse who will be responsible for carrying out the assessment and go through the whole assessment document with them step by step.

I know it can be hard to get your head around these things when all this is going on but the following documents are well worth reading as this is what they use.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-framework-for-nhs-continuing-healthcare-and-nhs-funded-nursing-care

Checklist - is a brief assessment to see whether a full CHC assessment is indicated.

Decision Tool is what they use for the assessment

Also your Mum may try and underplay her problems but this will only mean she will pay rather than change the outcome.

Do hope your Mum gets somewhere comfy soon and if there is an adjoining borough that has a better Nursing Home that meets her needs go for it. The area covered by Health may be different to the Social Services area and the area in which she now lives is responsible for paying regardless of whether it is in their borough or not.

Good luck and happy to help at any time. Your doing a great job of trying to support both your parents x

ERICS_MUM

downshifter98 wrote: »

Thanks for kind words SandraScarlett

A bit stressful but this has all been coming for a long time. The care that Mum has received at home up to this point has been generally good and they coped well until relatively recently - the past few months Mum has just become overwhelmed physically and mentally with it all. Perhaps I'm hoping that Mum will be forced into care as she won't accept it voluntarily - we will see. As it is Dad wants her home but does realise, I think, that the inevitable is coming - in the long run care might benefit both of them. I just hope the 'system' doesn't treat us all too badly.

My mum is not as ill as yours but we have needed assistance in looking after her in her own home, and believe me you have to really push for it, almost to the point of making yourself a nuisance. I've had dealings with ss and nhs people who are so hard-faced and couldn't give a damn. On the other hand certain individuals have been so kind to Mum and offered practical advice to me.

Good luck - it can be a tough battle finding out what your mum is entitled to and then getting it !