Protecting Children from Bad News.

Padstow

When people went searching for missing Mikaeel, the child from Edinburgh sadly now found dead, some took their own little children with them.
There were pics this morning, which I can no longer find, of a boy who looked around Five, carrying a staff, presumably to part the undergrowth.
I can only imagine had that child found a body.

The Police knew the volunteers wouldn't come across a body but the parents didn't.

I was taken to view the wreaths left for a King at the same age. Father of QE2 I suppose. I remember everyone crying, and can see the scene even now.

Bad enough, but how do parents explain what is going on when it's a child of their own age?

I read on another forum that the Poster's 4 yo child was still running around their house crying, "We have to find Mikaeel". She was going to explain to her why there was no longer a need.

As disturbing to me is taking the children to lay flowers and toys at the scene.

Maybe I'm old fashioned and too sensitive, but I view young childhood as a time of innocence. Introduction to death is their Hamster or a family member dying because either old or very ill. Not a child of their own age who died an unnatural death.

Another thing I remember from my childhood was my mum crying and saying a child had eaten cardboard/wallpaper to stay alive. I remember the place in the room where I was and where my mother was, just like a photograph. See how it sticks?

So do you and if so, protect your children against the news?

littleredhen

Interesting subject
I must admit I hate this practice of laying tributes, flowers teddies etc at side of road outside a house but that is just me
I do not protect my children from bad news and we have always watched the news together and discussed it when appropriate, it helps them learn. At the same time I let my kids play out from a young age and want them to trust their instincts. It is very sad if it is the boys mother who has done him harm but I want my kids to be able to hear about it and ask me questions rather than hearing it from school friends and make stuff up. Having said all that kids do grow up too fast these days too.

Artytarty

Yes, I would have tried to shield them when they were young, I guess they didn't watch the news, tv was not on at dinner time.
But other children in school will talk. This isan. Interesting post, and I don't really know the answer,!
I have a friend in her sixties who was taken to Donaghadee when she was a child to see the bodies being brough shore from the sinking of the a princess Victoria.
Some things will always haunt us from our childhoods and there is guessing what hey will be but it would seem sensible to avoid the obvious ones! Such as in this case.

midnightraven3

my experiences are the opposite end to yours

i remember when i heard/overheard my gran had died
i wasnt told, or had it explained
so death became this wild and mysterious thing to me
i was shunted off to a distant relative i had never met so my parents could attend her funeral
it was all very odd to me at the time

we always adopted a "be honest, and give as much (or little) information as they can handle at the time" attitude

we had to do this really as our oldest daughter was incredibly inquisitive (read that as damn nosey:o) and she would ask me a question, and then go and ask someone else, usually my mother
she verified what was being said :rotfl:

i think most parents float along in a hazy grey middle area
the truth without details, for as long as we can
children know FAR more now about everything than we ever did

every topic on its own merit
but i dont think children should have been searching for that poor wee boy:(

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I think its difficult to protect children when there are so many ways of them gaining information - for example, news bulletins. The shops display head lines outside and depending on the age of the child, it wouldn't take them two minutes to read it and be curious.

If my DD happened to see something and ask, I would explain in a "child" way what had happened. For example in the case you pointed out, I would simply say that a little boy went missing and no one knew what has happened to him which is why it is always important that mummy knows where you are... I wouldn't go into the whole "he's died and someone has been detained" - There's no need for a child to know that.

EDIT - DD1 knows about death, and has from around the age of 3 when my step mother died. We explained that sometimes people (of all ages) get poorly, or hurt and the doctors can't fix them. When they happens the person goes to live on a cloud and they get a "garden" (Grave) where their body stays and people can take flowers and card or even balloons to the garden. DD was happy with this - the only instance where we had a quibble was when we went on holiday (on an plane) and she got upset that she couldn't see the people on the clouds lol

Personally no i wouldn't take my children out searching but the parents who took their children must have had a reason to do so. Maybe their child went to school with the little boy and it was their way of helping? Even had the body been found by volunteers, you have a good few feet of visual before you approach and that's the time to lead little ones away before they see anything.

*TBF the police dogs had already searched the area and never found the body, it was highly unlikely the volunteers would.

ilikepinacolada

Yes I find the laying flowers and teddies outside a house quite inappropriate also although if when the person involved has been laid to rest at a grave then it would be more appropriate, I also find it weird that strangers who do not actually know the person involved in these situations would go to a pavement to lay flowers yet they maybe don't even go to their own relatives graves to do the same!?

marisco_2

I encourage my children to read newspapers and watch the news with me every night. Mainly because I know that a large number of their school friends do the same. If I tried to wrap them in cotton wool and protect them from the harsh realities of life they would pick it all up from others, without the benefit of being able to ask me questions and have age appropriate discussions first.

When this story was reported my eldest immediately said 'a boy that young couldn't just leave a house without being noticed and wonder off, someone he knows has probably hurt him'. Hmmm bit of a difficult subject to discuss at an age appropriate level whilst trying to relax over dinner. Far easier to handle though than it would have been for those who let young children tag along whilst they searched for him, had a body been discovered.

As with all things you just need to apply common sense, and have an understanding of what a child can reasonably be expected to emotionally digest and cope with.

ilikepinacolada

Marisco your son sounds really mature and sensible so your method clearly works!

Padstow

ilikepinacolada wrote: »

Yes I find the laying flowers and teddies outside a house quite inappropriate also although if when the person involved has been laid to rest at a grave then it would be more appropriate, I also find it weird that strangers who do not actually know the person involved in these situations would go to a pavement to lay flowers yet they maybe don't even go to their own relatives graves to do the same!?

To the laying of tributes which is OT to the thread, please think about others before doing so.

A fatal accident near me, no question as to who was at fault as one vehicle was stationary. Happened outside the stationary driver's home.

Plastic daffs taped to the pole outside her home. Driver sold her home as couldn't cope with the daily reminder everyday and moved.

OT, but these shrines annoy me for the reason above.

Did anyone lay a wreath at a nursing home? Hospital? why not?

Carl31

You shouldn't 'protect' children from the reality of life, they need to learn about the world and its dangers, as well as the good stuff

How those lessons are taught is where parents need to tread carefully. A 5 year old doesn't need to witness a dead body, but should understand the whole stranger danger thing

thorsoak

Three years ago this weekend,my OH died. Our grandchildren had known since before Christmas that their Grampy was very sick and the doctors were trying to make him better.

After the funeral, and I was driving 2 granddaughters somewhere, 5 year old, said to me "XXX (her 8 year old sister) gets very sad when she thinks about Grampy, but I know what happens" "what's that?" I asked - "well, she said, the doctors couldn't get Grampy better, he came home from hospital but you couldn't make him better - so he's gone to heaven where God can make him better. And I know what heaven's like - its like Disney - and Grampy liked Disney when we went there - so I 'spect he's going on all the best rides"!

Sniffing, her 8 year old sister agreed. Me? I was trying to concentrate on driving and not letting the tears fall!. Later that evening, they decided that Grampy must now be a star, and were trying to work out which one was him .....trouble was - they kept picking on moving planes!

They do work things out, if you give them the information that they can cope with.