OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

groatie_queen

JustKeepSwmming, I have a sister with an apparently perfect life... and I know someone else who also has a sis with the "perfect life" - but in fact the perfect life is what you make of the one you've got, with all it's challenges, apparent trials and tribulations. All I can say is, no one escapes the slings and arrows of life completely. What looks perfect may not be at all. Even where people are perfectly happy, well off and healthy, the only sure thing in life is change... as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans"

Having lost full health some years ago, and had to take a 40% cut in hours (and income) to cope, I'm perhaps more aware of this than someone still in their salad days. What helps me to keep positive is to not focus on others' blessings but to count my own, to bless other people in their abundance/health/whatever, and to value myself, and perhaps you might like this Wayne Dyer quote I read earlier today.

" peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be"

I keep a gratitude journal - three or five things a day I'm grateful for, and I have Pierre Pradervand's book, The Gentle Art of Blessing - can't recommend this book enough, it is quite transformational.

http://www.cygnus-books.co.uk/the-gentle-art-of-blessing-pierre-pradervand.html

You sound like a great survivor to me, it's hard work being a single Mum to two children but you are holding it together and what you're doing is so very valuable! Hugs to you, never forget how brave and determined you are proving yourself to be. None of us is perfect, but every day you're doing your best for your family and plodding on. You're a triumph!

(((Hugs)))

BookWorm

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

My "problem" is that my oldest friend, who I've known for around 25 years has got back in touch after a period of us not being in regular contact (about 3 years apart from Xmas cards) - we'd not fallen out at all, just been very busy with life etc.

Now she'd like us to meet up & I'm looking forward to & dreading it in equal measure, & feeling horrible because I'm dreading it.

Our lives were fairly similar through school & first leaving it, but I feel like mine has been an utter mess whereas hers has been far less trouble. I'm going to sound like an envious cow while I try to explain this - I'm glad she has such a lovely life & I don't want her to have any problems, I'm just struggling with how her life makes me feel about my own. I must add that she never tries to make me feel rubbish about my life, or point out how much better hers is - she is nothing but kind & supportive (even when she cant "do" anything to help me out). She agrees that she's lead an exceptionally easy, charmed life which makes me feel even worse about myself

Hi JKS and welcome to the thread.

What you said above resonated with me as I often feel that way myself. The sensible part of me knows that I should take no notice and that such feelings are a waste of time and energy but the less sensible part just ignores all the reasoning. I'm afraid I don't have any advice I can offer but I would also be interested in hearing others thoughts.

LavenderBees

Welcome to the thread, JKS, and I 100% echo what GQ and BW have said.

I think we discussed around this at the turn of the year. How we often (too often) look to other people and assume that their lives are better than our own.

In reality, we must realise that everyone has problems/worries/things that don't work out.

I came to the conclusion, along with a number of us, I think, that a change of mindset is needed. Beating ourselves up for mistakes or problems, doesn't do us any good. But we all seem to do it.

Working to change our mindsets to be accepting of our so-called failures, and proud of what we have achieved is so important to our self esteem and sense of worth. Together, perhaps, with striving to change what we really don't want to accept.

In my own case, I have viewed being single as a failure, mainly because I have felt that this somehow makes me unworthy of being loved....classic low self esteem. Changing my mindset though to that of a SINGLIE (:rotfl:), I am proud of what I have achieved - a roof over my head, a reasonable job/car, friends (new and old, RL and virtual), the freedom to take my life where I dare, the freedom to just be me.

So, methinks you need to look at what you have achieved - your two children, the fact that you are keeping them safe and happy and healthy etc etc. THEN you need to arrange to meet your old friend, and look forward to it. It sounds like she genuinely likes you and wants to spend time with you. And meet her as an EQUAL.

What does she have that you don't? more money (so what?), a husband....there's pros and cons to that, too, etc etc. If she has something you think you would like, how could you go about achieving it? What do you have that she doesn't? Freedom to make your own choices? Lovely children?

But more than anything, just remember that as a SINGLIE, we all need friends, so give her a chance to be back in your life again.

Hope you stay around and let us know how you get on.

LB xx

lostinrates

groatie_queen wrote: »

JustKeepSwmming, I have a sister with an apparently perfect life... and I know someone else who also has a sis with the "perfect life" - but in fact the perfect life is what you make of the one you've got, with all it's challenges, apparent trials and tribulations. All I can say is, no one escapes the slings and arrows of life completely. What looks perfect may not be at all. Even where people are perfectly happy, well off and healthy, the only sure thing in life is change... as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans"

Having lost full health some years ago, and had to take a 40% cut in hours (and income) to cope, I'm perhaps more aware of this than someone still in their salad days. What helps me to keep positive is to not focus on others' blessings but to count my own, to bless other people in their abundance/health/whatever, and to value myself, and perhaps you might like this Wayne Dyer quote I read earlier today.

" peace is the result of training your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be"

I keep a gratitude journal - three or five things a day I'm grateful for, and I have Pierre Pradervand's book, The Gentle Art of Blessing - can't recommend this book enough, it is quite transformational.

)

I love this post.

Just keep swimming, its a great sadness that my sibling and I are no longer on speaking terms. My mother tells me my sibling is consumed with jealously at what I have in my life. And I am remarkably blessed, I know this. However, I do not have health. . And I do not have children. I was very close to hers and I feel sad that this is no longer the case.


What I don't have she has, what she doesn't have I have, Life balances out. I see no good ever comes from comparing ones lot to another's. only bad feeling can come from it, and what's more, we almost never have the whole picture, warts and all.

When we compare our lot to others it seems to be we always stand with out backs to our stack of blessings but looking over our pile of woes, while looking at some one who displays their blessings in front, and hides their woes behind them.

LavenderBees

lostinrates wrote: »

I love this post.

Just keep swimming, its a great sadness that my sibling and I are no longer on speaking terms. My mother tells me my sibling is consumed with jealously at what I have in my life. And I am remarkably blessed, I know this. However, I do not have health. . And I do not have children. I was very close to hers and I feel sad that this is no longer the case.


What I don't have she has, what she doesn't have I have, Life balances out. I see no good ever comes from comparing ones lot to another's. only bad feeling can come from it, and what's more, we almost never have the whole picture, warts and all.

When we compare our lot to others it seems to be we always stand with out backs to our stack of blessings but looking over our pile of woes, while looking at some one who displays their blessings in front, and hides their woes behind them.

:T Well said!

Go on, then...you can be an honorary Singlie for a while :rotfl: I've missed you!

LavenderBees

And on the subject of bloomin lax workmen of all kinds....there is clearly a gap in the market for a company, run and organised by women that makes sure workmen do what they say they will when they say they will.

It's hardly rocket science, is it?

Makes my blood boil! :mad:

groatie_queen

lostinrates wrote: »

When we compare our lot to others it seems to be we always stand with out backs to our stack of blessings but looking over our pile of woes, while looking at some one who displays their blessings in front, and hides their woes behind them.

This is so very true, what a great description :T:T

lostinrates

LavenderBees wrote: »

:T Well said!

Go on, then...you can be an honorary Singlie for a while :rotfl: I've missed you!

:j:jOoh, thank you! (But I cannot be a singlie at weekends)


I've missed keeping up here too.

Its really interesting to read others challenges. And funnily enough sometimes to see that where people think they are a symptom of something like being single I have sat on my hands, because I hpcannot keep saying,...n'ah, its not you know . .


Fwiw re singlie-ness and failure... Well.....I have a super husband who I love hugely, but for various personal reasons not to do with him I told him this weekend I felt like a flight risk. . I definitely do not see single living as a failure. Occasionally I miss being mistress of my own destiny so very much.

greenbee

lostinrates wrote: »

I live in chaos too. No heating for three years now. Only running hot water a temporary electric shower ina leaky bathroom. Not good.

No kitchen sink ( or floors). No back door. Rofl.

I'm doing well then - I have the heating and hot water (new boiler, hot water tank and downstairs radiators were installed in October - although the kitchen one wasn't replaced and the dining room one may have to be moved). Upstairs radiators work and will be replaced as and when the rooms are done.

No showers, only baths.

No kitchen sink, but I do now have a lovely double ceramic sink in the utility room to make up for it.

No floors (but lots of threadbare persian rugs to make the concrete and floor boards feel very superior!).

I have a back door, for what it's worth (it is VERY draughty).

As you say, it'll come together!

scaredy_cat

http://www.livelifehappy.com/17-rules-for-happiness-being-happy/