Get It Together . . .

Skint_but_Optimistic

Sounds lovely. The ceramic poppies are gorgeous. Well done for having your probation confirmed. All good stuff.

Any idea what laptop you are after?

JustAboutThere

Thank you Skint,

Still no idea about laptop - I'm so untechy. Whatever it is, it will need to be able to absorb the 45+ gig on the iPod, and that's before loading any other documents/information on it. Its been 'dead' for a year or so, a few more months won't matter.

I had my poppy planting shift the other week - I can't call it work, we all had fun and it was great to be able to give something back. We were all petrified we were going to break a poppy as it felt so disrespectful given that each poppy represents a life. There were two that I know about on our group that got broken, but not by me. Wipes brow and breathes sigh of relief

I totally scared myself with my reaction to the probation meeting - its so not a normal way to react. I've really got to get that part of my imagination under control. Work in progress . . .

Visiting family next year. Should be happy, but am dreading it - and resenting the amount of money it will cost. Will no doubt result in arguments. Such joy! My mother is 'OK' - except we seem to wind each other up and each time we're on the phone we fight. So, I've taken to ignoring the phone - easy given that I hardly hear it ring in the kitchen when I'm in the front room. Yes, I'm a dreadful child to my mother. Of course, since we haven't spoken in (says it quietly), a few months, I'll be in trouble when I do phone, which will cause an argument, which will mean I won't want to phone, so I'll delay, which will get me in trouble . . . and so on.

My siblings - of course their own family needs to be their priority, but would one e-mail once a month kill them? For over 25 years I've been phoning, emailing, faxing, visiting (other side of the world) and sending presents. When I stopped phoning a few years ago, it took our Dad collapsing for one sibling to finally pick up the phone. Time elapsed from my last call to waiting for them to do so: 3.5 years! A few more calls, then radio silence until Mum was unwell and funnily enough, they needed me again. Now, more silence.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to using up all my savings and holiday allowance.

I worked out once that all my trips to visit would easily make up my mortgage endowment shortfall.

Some families actually want to be together. I wouldn't say we fight - its more, we just don't speak - from one year to the next !

I have a theory that because whenever I reach out and try to make contact and they don't respond, I get hurt, so I withdraw and pretend it doesn't matter. I'm sure I'm emotionally cutting myself off from them because I was such a wreck when Dad died. Sort of, if I do it first to them, it won't hurt so much when Mum does go.

It doesn't actually make me feel good about myself but I'm emotionally spent trying to make them (read: my siblings) allow me to be part of their lives. But, I don't think its going to happen. I just can't do it any longer.

I know I'm the one who left and I never meant to stay away this long. But I don't know anyone in my home town any more and I want to stay in this country. And that's not only because I don't want to have to start all over again.

Well - that's the waffle I've thought of putting up here for a few months but haven't because I know it sounds so horrible about not speaking to my Mother.

I love my Mum, but she doesn't deal in reality - if I say "we're not a close family", she'll immediately respond with "don't say that, dear - of course we are". Three years without a phone call. I don't think so!

I'll post now before I get cold feet and delete it all.

Take care.

JustAboutThere

Really got to find my trainers - as clothes are continuing to 'shrink'.

Insomnia is back - I've been awake since around 4.00 a.m.

Gotta get a grip.

JustAboutThere

** After a very considerable absence - more waffle from JAT **

JustAboutThere wrote: »

I have a theory that because whenever I reach out and try to make contact and they don't respond, I get hurt, so I withdraw and pretend it doesn't matter. I'm sure I'm emotionally cutting myself off from them because I was such a wreck when Dad died. Sort of, if I do it first to them, it won't hurt so much when Mum does go.

Which is basically what happened when Mum did pass.

Which led to some pretty testy e-mails with siblings. Then, more radio silence.

House: Still trying to fall down around my ears.

Work: OK, in that it's not a bad place. Terrible, in that redundancy might be happening. Soon.

Stress levels: Either through the roof or I'm perfecting my ostrich impersonation - I'm really good at it:)

Oh well, I'm going home and try to enjoy the weekend.

JustAboutThere

JustAboutThere wrote: »

Work: OK, in that it's not a bad place. Terrible, in that redundancy might be happening. Soon.

Stress levels: Either through the roof or I'm perfecting my ostrich impersonation - I'm really good at it:).

Redundancy is confirmed. Just waiting on seeing what the actual figures will be.

Interviewing will be scary - I haven't had to do that for many a year. Hope people don't need to see certificates of courses that no longer exist