So Disappointed in 18 Year Old Son - Time to go

ska_lover

sh1305 wrote: »

So, what should the OP do then? She can't keep allowing him to get away with everything.

No quick fix available for this situation, I fear. Treatment and managing his condition and getting some specialist help and respite.

OP, as you can see, there are definitely two schools of thought on this thread. IMO more fruitful to a lasting relationship - to try and work with him. I know you have been in this situation for years and it may be too much for you to bear, which is totally understandable.

The thing is on these boards is everyone sits in judgement of you, but none of us have to walk in your shoes. None of us have to live with his outbursts, same as none of us are going to have to live with the repercussions if you throw him out.

I do think some respite would do all parties good. It will let things simmer down and get you out of this parent/child cycle.

He does need to realise his behaviour is unacceptable and I would certainly suggest to see if a family member or close friend can have him lodge with them for a while. Have them treat him like a lodger and expect rent, and adult standards of behaviour. It has got to be worth a try at this stage, and get as much specialist help that you can. If his medication helps keep him on track, he needs talking to regarding taking it on a regular basis.

I really hope you manage to get this sorted out for all your sakes

Twisted_Cherry

I've seen how ADHD can destroy families having someone in my close family who was diagnosed with it at a young age. They went off the rails before the age of 10 and by the time they were 15 they were in and out of young offenders institutes. Sadly for them things did not end well, and for the past 18 years they have been locked up in prison and are now in a secure mental health unit.

I do not have children, but no mother or father should have to put up with abuse from a child, just like no other person should be abused by people with ADHD - Been on the receiving end of abuse from a 10 year old with ADHD some years back.

I think you are doing the right thing. At 18 he needs to take control of his life. If he wants to live on benefits so be it, but don't bail him out. He'll soon decide whether he wants to be like he is or whether he needs to take stock and make some changes to his life.

As for medication, at 18 it's his responsibility, if he does not want to take to meds, then so be it... his choice.

Spirit_2

I cannot help with your current situation i just wanted to tell you of light at the end of the tunnel...although it may be a long tunnel.

Our friends relocated abroad when their son was 18. He had ADHD and his condition had made there lives a misery for some years. When they moved he did not go with them and was forced to be independent although he still had some financial help as for a time he could not consistently hold down jobs ,for some years moved from shared house to shared house as housemates got fed up with him.

Fast forward to mid 20's he was holding down bar and restaurant jobs, doing an access course. He is in his 30s now, he went on to complete a degree, form a relationship, rent a stable home, and become a father. He his never going to be fully conventional but he is doing well.

Savvy_Sue

Is there a foyer in your area? Or any other supported housing for young people? Doing some research before a mediation meeting may be worth while, if you KNOW there are options for him then it's easier to stand firm on "we can't have him living at home any longer".

determined_new_ms

OK your situation sounds very much like my relationship with my dd (I have actually just posted a thread). I totally can relate to the unreasonable behaviour and abuse, including physical abuse, stealing, the unrelenting shoutng and arguing, refusing to leave our bedroom late in the night because of some argument. It is draining and has such an impact on your wellbeing

I took the very difficult decision and made my dd move out. It tore me to pieces. I did help in what ways I could to support her to find somewhere to live. It is still difficult.

I wish you all the best. In the end I have found I can't make it better for my dd so I have to try to find a way to make it better for me

*Robin*

meritaten wrote: »

You really don't understand ADHD do you? would you say the same about a person diagnosed as Autistic?
He CANT suddenly 'grow up' and be an 'adult' and 'take responsibility - he has a mental health condition which affects his thought processes. His parents understand that - but cannot cope with his 'behaviours'!

Honest question here: is ADHD a learning disability condition?

rpc

ska_lover wrote: »

total rejection by those you hold nearest and dearest.

It doesn't sound as if he hold OP as nearest and dearest given his behaviour...

DKLS

*Robin* wrote: »

Honest question here: is ADHD a learning disability condition?

Depends on which clinician you ask, some don't believe it exists at all.
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/neurologist-richard-saul-says-adhd-does-not-exist/story-fneuzlbd-1226795655925


Personally I am erring more to wards PDs rather than ADHD, but that doesn't help as pretty much PDs are untreatable.

Orange_King

Thank you so much for all the advice (especially those who have remembered our past problems) and it pretty much sums up how we feel swaying one way and the other but the underlying feeling is that we can't see how things are going to change for the better. The only shred of hope is that we have not taken things to this extent before where we have told him to move out. He has never been put on a trial for a week, month or a day even with a set of rules to keep.

Well on Friday before he left for his trip, I managed to have a brief conversation with him in a civil atmosphere, despite still seething with rage almost at how he has been behaving - but I didn't let him see it. I did explain that his current attitude and manner could not continue and we would be seeking advice from various points including his College, Social Worker and Psychologist in the coming weeks. I'm actually very disappointed the College didn't stick to their word and arrange a meeting quickly.

He needs to know exactly how we are feeling because he just doesn't get it - every day is a clean slate to him as I've said. He has said in the past that its always an empty threat but it certainly isnt that this time.

The question is if he can manage this on a continuous basis. There are some things that nobody should have to contend with in their own home ever and these are the basics of right and wrong. We have allowed this to go on up to now as we are fearful as to where he would end up and what he'd be involved with.

He could go tomorrow if he himself wanted and we couldn't do anything about it. He does disappear without telling us where he is so there is no difference in the worry. His younger brother for those who have asked is a grounded boy and can see the torment we are going through and says he understands why we would want to take action now.

We have a week's respite at last now, and while I see where some are coming from re the holiday, I certainly didn't want him looking back in years to come saying he didnt get anything from us when he was 18 so this was better than having to give him money or other gifts as we are certainly benefitting too.

We are certainly going to explore all the options with any agency/stakeholder but as things stand he is going to have to move out without him voluntarily agreeing to a lodging agreement.

We are a small family. My Mum is 90 this year and wouldn't want her to have to deal with him. My siblings are both much older with their own families and my wife's family are all in Scotland. He may be able to stay with her parents but that would be once his course fininshed.

I firmly believe we have to take into account our own health from this point on as its become increasingly stressful for both of us and there are 2 important years ahead for his brother. Our eldest will have to see this and make a meaningful change to his life if he wants to stay part of ours.

As he left in the early hours of Saturday morning for the trip, the 2 of us were both extremely upset on thinking that we really have no good relationship to look back on and very few pleasant memories since he was a kid.

Thanks again all.