So Disappointed in 18 Year Old Son - Time to go

Orange_King

My eldest son reaches the milestone of his 18th birthday today but for the past 3 years life has been hell in our home with his behaviour.

He has had mental health issues (ADHD) and although we have availed of every opportunity for intervention such as anger management for him, family therapy, visits to various practitioners etc, the situation just gets worse and worse. He has refused to take prescribed medication for a long time now.

He has been physically aggressive to myself and my wife (have called police before but didn't press charges), destructive in our home, verbally abusive on a daily basis and completely and utterly lazy for as long as I can remember now. He believes the world owes him a living and doesn't want to make effort to fill in job applications. He lost the only part time job he had because he couldn't get in on time and expects his Mum still to wake him up for College but gives her abuse when she does. He keeps us awake at various times of night with his noise and thinks he can blast music through the house when the walls are paper thin. During the past summer he disappeared for days on end without letting us know where he was and when he was about the home he took great delight in tormenting my wife after she had gone through 2 operations, hosing her down in the garden and saying people were at the door when there wasn't anyone there. He is completely unco-operative and takes delight at causing upset for his younger brother.

I feel that I have failed to bring him up with an ounce of human decency in his bones. He always expects each new day to be a clean slate but we are always still in recovery from his latest actions.

After a couple of instances lately where he was aggressive I have informed him that he would have to find alternative lodgings next month. He is off on a ski trip tomorrow which we have largely paid for but when he comes back he will likely have forgotten all about what has gone on. While I am almost afraid and certainly extremely sad and upset to have to go through with this, I think I have to for the benefit of the 3 other members of our family. The stress my wife and I are under has been immense and its sometimes a wonder we have made it through. I just simply can't tolerate the thought of any more years of this behaviour from him and hope that he can turn it round.

I have informed his college and they are supposed to be facilitating a meeting between us but any previous changes in him have always been short lived when he has understood his position in the family home was in doubt. I really feel he needs to go and experience the world out there for himself for him to appreciate what he has had. Most of the friends I talk to say they would have thrown him out long ago but we didn't want him to go into a hostel or a care home given some of the stories told.

I am sure there are people in a similar situation who soldier on regardless of what is thrown at them and I have to respect that choice but I don't know how you can do it, particularly if you have exhausted every avenue of help and advice and tried various things to improve the relationship.

I feel really sad, disappointed and angry that he has never recognised what he has done, never apologised and not cared about the damage he's done. I just hope we can still manage to maintain some form of relationship but doubt that he will want that when we are throwing him out.

Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side in a better position and would you have any advice on how best to proceed?

kelpie35

I have sent you a PM

heartbreak_star

Why did you pay for the ski trip?

I wish I knew what to say. Sending you good wishes.

HBS x

pogofish

ADHD is an exceptionally trying condition to deal with but it does not explain, excuse nor in any way justify a great deal of what you describe.

It sounds like he has a lot of growing-up to do, fast and it may well be best in his own space and making his own way in the world.

tasha-debt

I don’t have any advice to give but I can relate to what you are saying.

My cousin has had eating disorders, drinking problems and serious debt problems (bankrupt twice) since she was about 15. She is now 31, has moved back in with her parents again, my Aunt and Uncle. My Aunt has had 16 years of stress and worry and it has really taken its toll on her mentally and her health.

I think in hindsight by always allowing her to come and go etc, bailing her out, letting her be abusive verbally she has been enabling my cousin. I believe had my cousin had to live in the world on her own she may have found she had to find a way to get better, help etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is there has to come a point where the health and wellbeing of other family members has to take priority over one person who is not willing to meet you even halfway and you shouldn’t feel guilty over your descision.

Good luck

Orange_King

Thanks for the PM's and replies.

The ski trip was booked at the time he was in a part time job and he did pay the initial instalment himself. Following his dismissal from the job he has had no other income and we are paying for it as part of a Christmas/birthday gift.

On the bright side, his 16 year old brother is a decent lad but also lazy and in need of regular reminders but he can be worked with. He understands where we are coming from having been on the receiving end himself until last year when he has since outgrown his brother and given out his own retribution for injuries caused.

The week's break will be very welcome for us following a turbulent Christmas.

tom9980

Orange_King wrote: »

The ski trip was booked at the time he was in a part time job and he did pay the initial instalment himself. Following his dismissal from the job he has had no other income and we are paying for it as part of a Christmas/birthday gift.

Why did you do this? the consequences of him losing his job means the loss of his first instalment and not going with his friends. You bailed him out by making it a gift and i would hazard a guess this is a pattern you have likely repeated for many years now.

Frankly i would be tempted to box and bag up all his stuff while he is away and organise a temporary place for him to be staying when he gets back while he sorts his life out. Once he has left make sure to never invite him back.

DigForVictory

I can hear your pain.

Has he a formal diagnosis?
A care worker or similar contact of any form?

Is there anyone (other than the police) who appreciate how much hassle he's giving you?

If it weren't for the effort you have All put into the College place, I'd suggest measures that would undoubtedly mess up any future relationship.

You wil not be the first parent to have a monstrously ungrateful child, or the last.

If, unwillingly, you are coming to the view that it is time to protect the rest of your family, I would urge you to consult them too. They may be uncertain you mean it, feel it's too late etc but include them so at worst it's a whole family decision & at best it'll remind both lads that the real world has its own rules.

All the best.

nickj_2

tom9980 wrote: »

Why did you do this? the consequences of him losing his job means the loss of his first instalment and not going with his friends. You bailed him out by making it a gift and i would hazard a guess this is a pattern you have likely repeated for many years now.

Frankly i would be tempted to box and bag up all his stuff while he is away and organise a temporary place for him to be staying when he gets back while he sorts his life out. Once he has left make sure to never invite him back.

it is time for tough love , he's 18 , even with ADHD he will know what is right and wrong , he needs to grow up and act like he's 18 , not 8 , even if you don't kick him out you have the ideal opportunity to take action whilst he's away , i would bag up everything like laptop,xbox etc ,all the things that he holds dear and then tell him he can have them back once his behaviour has improved for at least 3 months , and don't give in , he will probably go ballistic , but then take more stuff away , if that means no bed then so be it
also stop bailing him out , if he wants stuff then he must find a job and earn for himself , ...and of course charge him board as well

Morglin

Not too sure, but I believe his college can help with him finding some sort of accommodation, as you obviously don't want him to be homeless.

Giving SHELTER a ring (they are excellent) may also help.

I can see why you want him out, but as a parent and granny myself, I would also want to know he's not on the streets (were he mine).

Teenagers can be horrible, tho not usually to this extreme, but they do often grow out of it.

Lin

LannieDuck

It sounds as if your son's in need of some much needed consequences for his actions. At the moment he can do what he likes and get away with it (given what you've written anyway - I'm sure there's much, much more that you haven't mentioned).

You've warned him he'll be expected to move out next month. When he returns from the trip, you need to ensure he realises you were serious, and then follow through on it.

At the moment you can threaten pretty much anything, and he thinks there are no consequences because he wakes up the next morning with a 'clean slate'. That's not how real life works.