So Disappointed in 18 Year Old Son - Time to go

System

You will find the hardest part is saying it, meaning it and staying firm whilst he spends the next 20 years of his life blaming you for every little thing that went wrong in his life.

Orange_King

DigForVictory wrote: »

I can hear your pain.

Has he a formal diagnosis?
A care worker or similar contact of any form?

Is there anyone (other than the police) who appreciate how much hassle he's giving you?

If it weren't for the effort you have All put into the College place, I'd suggest measures that would undoubtedly mess up any future relationship.

You wil not be the first parent to have a monstrously ungrateful child, or the last.

If, unwillingly, you are coming to the view that it is time to protect the rest of your family, I would urge you to consult them too. They may be uncertain you mean it, feel it's too late etc but include them so at worst it's a whole family decision & at best it'll remind both lads that the real world has its own rules.

All the best.

Thanks. Its ironic that I hav threatened this for some time only for my wife to disagree with the course of action. But now its her saying this could be the best way to handle things before relationships are totally destroyed. I know I will crumble at the sight of him going despite all he puts us through but I don't see any other way. It just feels as if we've missed out on having a relationship as he has been so disruptive and full of anger the past few years.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was about 9 and he has a Psychologist who is only interested in whether he is taking his meds or not and how the medication should be boosted to steer him through the school day. For the past 2 years or so he hasn't taken it or taken it off and on which is even worse. He uses this as another means to provoke and we can't force it into him. We have an appointment with her at the end of this month.

A Social Worker has been involved for a few years now and some interventions helped slightly, particularly when he was assigned a Link worker who he could talk things through with on a weekly basis but this only ran for 12 weeks. There were a few weekends away with other problem kids and this led to another range of problems when the contact continued beyond the weekends away.

His college said they would arrange a mediation meeting this week but that hasn't happened so I have reminded them and said I'd be willing to meet anytime. The Safeguarging Officer has informed the Gateway team to make them aware.

We have stopped all payments apart from his phone contract which we had to take on as sometimes this was our only way of contact during the summer when he was awol. He hasn't been given any money whatsoever for over a year and a half as he was smoking when he had the job. All his money has run out some months back now. He hasn't got a clue about the value of money anyway and wouldn't think anything of asking for a new £500 phone because he needed it.

He has apparently been in to Citizens Advice this week, distributed CV's and registered with a recruitment agency which is more than he's done in the past 8 months.

So there are plenty of agencies/people aware. Maybe the final realisation of whats in store for him on the outside will hit home but even last night he was refusing to get out of our bedroom on request. We don't need any more of this.

ska_lover

This really is a tough one. I really do sympathise with you

If you throw him out, will have have somewhere to go? In life, things can snowball - and throwing him out could lead his life to go completely out of control and I am against it. I say this because, I was made homeless at 15 years old with no where to go, and nothing good comes of being homeless as a teenager. Nothing at all.

As grown adults you must have some inkling of the effects of throwing him out with no family back up and no money. People may take advantage of him

Having said that, I am not the one having to live with it OP and you do seem like you are at your wits end, as I think I would be too.

Whatever you decided to do - I think you need to be consistant with things, paying for a ski trip and then throwing him out immediately afterwards?

Is there a family member he can stay with, for some respite for you? Even for a couple of weeks. You dont neccesarily have to tell him its a temporary thing, give him a short sharp shock maybe?

Mojisola

Orange_King wrote: »

Thanks. Its ironic that I hav threatened this for some time only for my wife to disagree with the course of action. But now its her saying this could be the best way to handle things before relationships are totally destroyed. I know I will crumble at the sight of him going despite all he puts us through but I don't see any other way. It just feels as if we've missed out on having a relationship as he has been so disruptive and full of anger the past few years.

It is going to be very hard but, by doing it, you will be protecting your other child. He/she must have had a very hard time growing up in a house with such a disruptive sibling.

ska_lover

Mojisola wrote: »

It is going to be very hard but, by doing it, you will be protecting your other child. He/she must have had a very hard time growing up in a house with such a disruptive sibling.

Just playing devils advocate here, but it could ruin the relationship with your younger child as well. How close are the brothers? Is he going to loose faith in you when you show his brother the door? Do you think it may make him nervous that he is next for the chop?

Adrenalina

It's very difficult to explain and understand a personal situation fully.

The statements you have made clearly show that you are desperate for improvement in your relationship. I am worried about the finality of a marching order. I left home at 18 out of my own choice and with the (moral) support of my parents, but I'm glad it was to go to uni. I was definitely not an adult, despite the number 18. I made many mistakes, and I'm lucky I had a good supportive network that continued to steer me toward being a functional member of society.

At the back of my mind I have doubts about the home environment. I mean no offense, clearly I have no clue how you live your day to day lives. I just see how easy it is to give in to your child, to take the easy option of a quiet life and how this only works in the short term. I imagine if a young adult had been treated like this his entire life he may go through his days the way you describe, with the ADHD being the cherry on top.
As I said, I can only speculate.

Good luck with the next chapter in your journey. I hope whatever you decide to do works in the best interest of everyone and in the long term.

snuggle69

I fully understand what you are going through, I have a son who is now 25 and has ADHD.

Whatever you choose to do just remember you are his only stability in a very turbulent life, take that away and he could just spiral out of control.

ADHD is an awful condition, my son also refuses to take medication as it makes him feel worse, we have the temper outbursts, unable to hold regular jobs down.....although this is improving with age. So many times I have wanted to ask him to leave but I genuinely think if I did he would lose it.

All those of you commenting that they should just throw him out or not support him really do not have a clue what this family are going through.

MrsE_2

snuggle69 wrote: »

I fully understand what you are going through, I have a son who is now 25 and has ADHD.

Whatever you choose to do just remember you are his only stability in a very turbulent life, take that away and he could just spiral out of control.

ADHD is an awful condition, my son also refuses to take medication as it makes him feel worse, we have the temper outbursts, unable to hold regular jobs down.....although this is improving with age. So many times I have wanted to ask him to leave but I genuinely think if I did he would lose it.

All those of you commenting that they should just throw him out or not support him really do not have a clue what this family are going through.

But no mother should be expected to take physical abuse from her 18 year old son.

Mojisola

Orange_King wrote: »

My eldest son reaches the milestone of his 18th birthday today but for the past 3 years life has been hell in our home with his behaviour.

He has been physically aggressive to myself and my wife (have called police before but didn't press charges), destructive in our home, verbally abusive on a daily basis and completely and utterly lazy for as long as I can remember now.

he took great delight in tormenting my wife after she had gone through 2 operations, hosing her down in the garden and saying people were at the door when there wasn't anyone there. He is completely unco-operative and takes delight at causing upset for his younger brother.

snuggle69 wrote: »

All those of you commenting that they should just throw him out or not support him really do not have a clue what this family are going through.

The OP gives us a few clues.

ska_lover

Any adult with an ounce of common sense can see that if he is made homeless, it will destroy his early start in life - and can take years to get on the right track after such a complete and total rejection by those you hold nearest and dearest.

Bang goes his college course for starters, as he will have bigger problems to deal with, like finding a roof over his head.