So Disappointed in 18 Year Old Son - Time to go

sassyblue

I feel for you OP, my sister has been through this with her son. I just wanted to say this is not your fault as a parent.xx

claire16c

I would have thrown him out after the incidents with your wife.

If you won't kick him out if you're worried about hostels etc then you could start treating him like a lodger. Charge him rent, and he's expected to pay for everything himself, cook his own food, do washing etc. And your wife needs to stop waking him up!

And if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

sanctuary43

I do feel for you OP.

My husband has ADHD, although not to the extreme that your son has it, and my goodness life can be so difficult at home at times.

I absolutely understand why you let him go on the ski holiday, gives you a break from him and sometimes all you ask for is peace! I live a little like that not knowing when the next thing however innocent or trivial will 'spark' something off. It really drags you down, and I can totally understand why you feel enough is enough.

The condition means that they view the world differently to us, see situations in a different light and this is where the problem can lie, I bet he genuinely doesn't understand why you get angry at situations, realises the long term impact of his actions, or realise you can't move on from an incident that just happened yesterday.

My hubby can say the most hurtful things, and when we are trying to make up he says he cannot understand why I haven't let something 'go'. Doesnt seem to realise the other 101 offensive comments or incidents in the last few weeks before it have contributed to the fact I can't let it go as quick as him!

Anyhoo, this is about you not me, but just wanted to say I understand to an extent the frustration you feel and I wonder if you are able to have a reasonable conversation with him, tell him that you would like him to move out as you are finding his behaviour intolerable.. If he doesn't want to leave then perhaps you have a bargaining tool here by issuing an ultimatum of him taking his medications or leaving.

I wish you good luck, let us know how you get on.

Indie_Kid

ska_lover wrote: »

Any adult with an ounce of common sense can see that if he is made homeless, it will destroy his early start in life - and can take years to get on the right track after such a complete and total rejection by those you hold nearest and dearest.

Bang goes his college course for starters, as he will have bigger problems to deal with, like finding a roof over his head.

So, what should the OP do then? She can't keep allowing him to get away with everything.

Top_Girl

Didn't want to read and run.

I would speak with your local adult social care providers and his link worker as soon as possible and see if you can get him into some kind of accomodation for young adults with additional needs, even on a temporary basis.

He needs to learn to try to control and manage his condition, the same way he would have to if he was a diabetic, or chronically depressed. Refusing the medication he needs is proof that he is not even attempting to do so and the resulting behaviour is unacceptable.

It sounds as though he expects allowances to be made as standard, because they were (rightly) made as a child/young teenager. He is an adult now and has to take some responsibility for his own treatment and indeed for his own wellbeing as well as that of those around him.

meritaten

Top_Girl wrote: »

Didn't want to read and run.

I would speak with your local adult social care providers and his link worker as soon as possible and see if you can get him into some kind of accomodation for young adults with additional needs, even on a temporary basis.

He needs to learn to try to control and manage his condition, the same way he would have to if he was a diabetic, or chronically depressed. Refusing the medication he needs is proof that he is not even attempting to do so and the resulting behaviour is unacceptable.

It sounds as though he expects allowances to be made as standard, because they were (rightly) made as a child/young teenager. He is an adult now and has to take some responsibility for his own treatment and indeed for his own wellbeing as well as that of those around him.

You really don't understand ADHD do you? would you say the same about a person diagnosed as Autistic?
He CANT suddenly 'grow up' and be an 'adult' and 'take responsibility - he has a mental health condition which affects his thought processes. His parents understand that - but cannot cope with his 'behaviours'!
to me this lad may well have met the ADHD criteria - but, his behaviour goes beyond that. could he be re-assessed? his meds may make him feel worse and tbh may not even be the right ones.
I feel for you OP, I really do - but its almost impossible to advise you as I only know about the Mental Health Services here in S E Wales (Dire). Different places have different practices and procedures.
the only thing I can say is to explore Adult ADHD support groups in YOUR area, talk to your GP, talk to Social Services and ANYONE you think may be of help. sometimes just contacting the right person helps move matters along.
blessings to you, your family and your son.
meri

itsanne

Hi Orange King
I remember your previous thread back in July. The PM I sent you at that time covers most of what you ask and is still relevant.


I think that it's impossible for people who have not experienced something similar to really understand what it's like, which is why it can be easy to be judgemental or unsympathetic, for example:

tom9980 wrote: »

Frankly i would be tempted to box and bag up all his stuff while he is away and organise a temporary place for him to be staying when he gets back while he sorts his life out. Once he has left make sure to never invite him back.

This misses the pain in taking a very difficult decision - and it is difficult even when things have been very bad indeed - and Orange King's clear desire to maintain a relationship with his son:

Orange_King wrote: »

I know I will crumble at the sight of him going despite all he puts us through but I don't see any other way.

As far as OK's younger son fearing that he could be put out next, all I can go by here is my other children's response to having had to make the same decision - relief. In fact, at the time both of them felt that he should have been put out sooner, though one has since said that we were right to delay until we did. Also, it eventually became much easier for them to support their brother when they didn't have to live with him on a daily basis. I count myself very lucky that my daughters have been so supportive of their brother despite the hell he put them through. (Probably should tell them that :cool:!) The situation OK is in is very, very difficult, not only for the parents but also for the siblings.

Ska lover, I appreciate your point of view and don't want to diminish it. The situation you were placed in must have been horrendous. However, OK is not suggesting that his son is put out at 15 but at 18, and on the basis of what he has said it is clear that he would continue to provide the support which you did not receive. We supported our son after putting him out and continue to do so, but it is (mostly) much more manageable when he does not live with us. There comes a point when the rest of the family's needs have to be taken into account after having taken second place to the person with difficulties for a long time. I would suggest that the age of 18 is not an unreasonable point at which to begin to redress the balance.


One of the reasons we eventually put our son out was to force support from elsewhere. I'm sure people in other situations will have experienced the same frustration that the more the family is deemed to cope, the less support is available.

Orange King, we did find that our son received more support when we were not seen as being always there. Having put our son out at a point only slightly older than your son, but having worked hard to support him even then, our relationship is probably as good as it is possible for it to be - and certainly a lot better than if we had not taken that decision. There is a way through - it's not easy, and it doesn't magic everything away, but it makes life a hell of a lot more manageable!

YORKSHIRELASS

Oh goodness, I couldnt even begin to advise you.

But if it gives you any small crumb of comfort we have a teenager with mental health issues. His behaviour is challenging at times and its very hard to cope with. Our son isnt always responsible for his actions and its a very complicated situation. No-one can understand what its really like to live your life and only you can make the decision to do what you feel is right.


I feel sad for you that you dont seem to be getting the consistent outside support and help you need. We have been lucky with this so far but I know it can change and that there are a lot of health professionals out there who are overstretched and not able to give the help that they should.

Like I say, this may not help at all but I do wish you luck, whatever you decide.

Top_Girl

meritaten wrote: »

You really don't understand ADHD do you? would you say the same about a person diagnosed as Autistic?
He CANT suddenly 'grow up' and be an 'adult' and 'take responsibility - he has a mental health condition which affects his thought processes. His parents understand that - but cannot cope with his 'behaviours'!
to me this lad may well have met the ADHD criteria - but, his behaviour goes beyond that. could he be re-assessed? his meds may make him feel worse and tbh may not even be the right ones.
I feel for you OP, I really do - but its almost impossible to advise you as I only know about the Mental Health Services here in S E Wales (Dire). Different places have different practices and procedures.
the only thing I can say is to explore Adult ADHD support groups in YOUR area, talk to your GP, talk to Social Services and ANYONE you think may be of help. sometimes just contacting the right person helps move matters along.
blessings to you, your family and your son.
meri

I didn't ask him to 'grow up', did I?

What I suggested was a referral to enable him to manage his condition, which he needs to be able to do in order to function on a daily basis or, indeed, be re-assessed.

I have two family members with bi polar, one with Asperger's and one diagnosed with ADHD at 14 so I do have real life experience of this condition and indeed other mental health issues and one of the most important factors is to try to encourage a sense of responsibility when it comes to treatment and management of behaviour.

There will be flare ups and times their son is unable to deal with his own condition, but currently he is point blank refusing to take his medication, so I have suggested professional intervention and possible residential care until he begins taking the medication he needs.

dancingfairy

Could he be encouraged to get his own place and claim benefits/work to pay for the roof over his head?
Other than that I don't know, would you have to write to social services and the council and explain that he will be homeless from x date as you really can't keep him anymore due to the effect it's having on you and the rest of your family?
Maybe Mind or other mental health charity would help?
df