The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 13

Barny1979

11/30 AFDs today and two months since last drink

Honey_Bear

safehouse wrote: »

I don't know if this will make me feel any better

I hope it did.

My OH is a lovely man, he works hard, running his own business, which can be stressful beyond belief at times and loves us, myself and our DS also very much I’m sure. The problem is he has a severe alcohol problem, he has had for years and so we have had our major ups and downs especially when it comes to him being sensible with money

Ouch.

About 10 years ago I started having nightmares they always involved us losing our house, these nightmares plague me even now. When these nightmares started I knew I had to do something I love my house it truly is my little castle. P has no idea what our income is and what our outgoings are, he just leaves things to me

Your situation sounds incredibly stressful, and in the circumstances what you're doing makes complete sense to me. You're keeping your family safe by doing something practical. In a perfect world you would be able to be open with your OH but none of us live in a perfect world.

... it’s easy to put every spare bit of money to one side without his knowledge.I know this sounds terrible, it’s totally deceitful

I was thinking only yesterday that there are times when we have to keep schtum about something that we'd like to be able to talk about. My sister-in-law managed to save some money up, knowing that my brother, her husband, would be unreliable in pretty much exactly the same set of circumstances. It got them out of a hole, so I can honestly say from personal experience you are not the only person who has discovered that living with someone with an alcohol problem has far-reaching effects on other family members.

but P refuses to get help, he refuses to admit there is even a problem

... and that is very sad, but we can't change other people, no matter how much we love them.

Another 5 years of keeping this secret that is what is going to be the hardest. Believe me I am doing this for my OH interests at heart, and pray for the day I can finally tell him the mortgage is paid in full and we own our house hopefully 2020. If this makes me a bad person I don’t know……..

Well, I for one think that what you're doing is the right thing but I totally understand your feeling very uncomfortable with it.

Hugs for you, Safehouse and I hope posting did make you feel better.

As Satchmo says, AlAnon may be of more help to you than anyone here can be. Good luck, whatever way forward you choose; support is always worth seeking and very often a huge relief when you find the right place for you.

11/30 please, Shaggy.

Fruball

safehouse wrote: »

Hello everyone and well done on your quests, I don't know if this will make me feel any better but I thought I should write this down, also I am not so sure what people might make of it, but here goes. My OH is a lovely man, he works hard, running his own business, which can be stressful beyond belief at times and loves us, myself and our DS also very much I’m sure. The problem is he has a severe alcohol problem, he has had for years and so we have had our major ups and downs especially when it comes to him being sensible with money, I believe the cost must total around £200 a month if not more on alcohol alone. About 10 years ago I started having nightmares they always involved us losing our house, these nightmares plague me even now. When these nightmares started I knew I had to do something I love my house it truly is my little castle. P has no idea what our income is and what our outgoings are, he just leaves things to me, so it’s easy to put every spare bit of money to one side without his knowledge.I know this sounds terrible, it’s totally deceitful but P refuses to get help, he refuses to admit there is even a problem which is why I resorted to saving without his knowledge. I love P very much and hate that I have gone behind his back, I feel guilty beyond belief, but if he knew the amount of cash I have saved for the mortgage I’m sure he wouldn’t be so inclined to go to work and stay at home , which means more time to drink. I feel nasty even writing this but I have to look out for our future and our son’s future. I have been storing away money like a little hamster now for years, it is in a bond and in my DS name in case anything happens to either of us. The last 10 years I have worn mainly second hand clothes, I hardly go out, but if I do I wont spend much and I rarely treat myself as this would be totally unfair to P. We have an interest only mortgage and 14 years to pay it off, or that’s it out on our ears. We will be almost 60 then and probably too old to get another mortgage so what else could I do. I have a shortfall now of 27,590 and I really believe with a lot of determination, frugal living and hard work I can be mortgage free in 5 years. Another 5 years of keeping this secret that is what is going to be the hardest. Believe me I am doing this for my OH interests at heart, and pray for the day I can finally tell him the mortgage is paid in full and we own our house hopefully 2020. If this makes me a bad person I don’t know……..


CC 5,976.84 MORTGAGE 27,590

You are absolutely doing the right thing, i've no doubts about that! Just a thought, why don't you put that money straight into the mortgage account? Then the interest will go down and you will be able to pay it off quicker...

AF tonight so 6 for me please Shaggy

shaggydoo

Evening :hello:

1 more AFD for yesterday.

I'm away for a long weekend so I won't be around again until Monday.



Shaggyx

shaggydoo

safehouse wrote: »

If this makes me a bad person I don’t know……..


CC 5,976.84 MORTGAGE 27,590

I think you're a great person!!!! There are many stories on MSE about people with secret debts - so really I'm not sure people are terribly honest about money even with their OHs.

If it's any help my Mum & Dad operated like you. My Mum saved like mad and bought shares, etc and always made sure that her and my Dad had everything they needed. TBH my Dad had no real interest in money (he wasn't a big drinker nor was my Mum). Sadly my Mum died first at just 68. My Dad lived on to 82 and due to my mum's financial planning he never had to worry about money. When she passed away he was pleasantly surprised to find out how much she had squirreled away. When my Dad passed there was still money left over for their 5 kids!

Good Luck with paying off your mortgage. I hope you are posting on the Mortgage Free board where you will get an enormous amount of support (and advice).

shaggydoo

Barny1979 wrote: »

two months since last drink

:T:T:T:T:T:T

shaggydoo

June:

= 7 Days AF

= 14 days AF

= 21 days AF


= 28 days AF

= 30 days AF

= target achieved


Alchemilla 10/30

ArsenalBarnie 3/10
Barny1979 11/30

Chardonnay /22

DansMam 4/15
DebJay 8/22

Dizzy Imp 2/24

Fruball 6/20
Honey Bear 11/30

Maman 5/10

NewRoadAhead 5/10

Pricey 6/20

PurplePrincess /30
Satchmo 8/13
Shaggy 8/20

StartingLate 2/9
WantToBeSE 7/27




Everyone Welcome! It's never too late to join....

Please highlight your AFDs in Red

Don't hesitate to let me know if I've made a mistake!

Alchemilla

11/30 when you are home please Shaggy.

Hope you have a great time. Nearly 25 days AF.

debjay

Have a lovely weekend Shaggy

9/22 for tonight please.

Fruball

debjay wrote: »

Have a lovely weekend Shaggy

9/22 for tonight please.

You're doing really well this month :T