Alternatives to couple counselling

tayforth

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

We are dreadful at dealing with our issues.

I find he will happily bumble along, and be oblivious to any issues.

We have had many a stressful moment along the 15 or so years we have been together.

Many of the key moments in life that you have to look back and remember are tinged by badly managing expectations.

Love and support seem to mean different things to one another.

I am so numb that it is difficult for me to articulate it all at the moment.

DH has regularly stated throughout our relationship he would sooner divorce than go for counselling. Last year when I convinced him to attend couples counselling, he felt early on the solution would be for me to get away for a while so paid for me to travel half way across the globe to stay for a week with a friend, that conveniently halted the counselling sessions and it just pushed everything under the carpet again.

My big issue is nothing ever gets resolved. Hurt layers upon hurt, and we need to find a better way of communicating and getting over hurdles.

We seem to work best at emailing one another than having a fierce face to face row, as it gets to point scoring. Although the emails just seem to end up going round in circles of how much the other has been hurt then the odd threat.

I might find I make a break through only to find the next day we are in the same amount of hatred and disappointment as the day before.
Often this happens during a time of acute stress, but never gets resolved, so just sits there like a huge elephant in the room.

We can go through a week without a row and then row for weeks on end. This last one has lasted the longest over several weeks and no resolution in sight.

Firstly, (((hugs))).

There are some huge red flags in your post, which I have highlighted. This doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship. There is hatred between you? He would rather divorce than go to counselling? That's not at all how a marriage should be.

I speak from experience. I was married to a man who refused to deal with problems and blamed me for everything. Funnily enough, he used to be fond of emailing me with a long list of my faults and failings. I could not get through to him, whatever I tried.

I left him 9 months ago, and I can honestly say that I have never regretted it for a second.

Of course you want to make your marriage work. I did too. It took much soul-searching for me to make my decision, I can tell you.

What I'm saying is: if there comes a point where you just can't see a way forward, or he isn't willing to meet you even part of the way, you have a decision to make. Either put up with it, or get out. Because you can't make him want to save your marriage. You only have control over yourself.

Seanymph wrote: »

I'm really not a fan of counselling for couples - I have done it several times, and ended up spending money and not really getting anywhere.

the problem is if someone is being unreasonable it doesn't TELL that person they are being unreasonable, it just gives them a platform to spout their rubbish openly and you have to respond as if it's the most reasonable thing in the world.

You seem to want to think you can 'fix' this - well, sitting in a room once a week with someone who says 'mmmm' and how does him saying that make you fell mrs xxx' isn't going to suddenly change your husband into a communicative being.

Why are you so desperate to 'fix' it?

Are you dependent upon his salary? his friends? Are you isolated?

I flinched at your mention of 'hatred and disappointment' - that is not a healthy atmosphere to live in, and I certainly have much greater expectations from my life partner.

Why do you allow yourself that to live in and feel it's down to you to make it better? If he isn't interested in fixing it for you both why are you taking on responsibility for it?

How about telling him it's broken and stepping back - give him six months, set up an exit plan (bank account, change bills into your name if necessary, close joint credit etc) - and if in six months you still dont' feel comfortable in your own home then give yourself permission to live somewhere you can be happy.

Don't blame him, or point out his shortcomings - just say 'I cannot live in an atmosphere were xxxxxx' - name whatever is wrong and then see if he has any interest in fixing it.

^^^ This is a great post.

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Life's too flipping short to spend it all being miserable.

All relationships have difficult times to get through. It isn't meant to be a permanent state of affairs.

I'm not coming at this from a totally dispassionate point of view. In the past I had the same mind-set as you. That you keep trying and work and work and work to make a less than ideal relationship work, after all, you committed to each other, and at the start it was fine...you just got to get back to how things were. But you can't turn back the clock and you only have the relationship as it is right now to live with. How is it going to change? You wanting it to change, won't make it happen.

I do not regret having been married. There are lots of positive things that came from that marriage. I do, however, deeply regret the last few years of that marriage when we were clearly flogging a dead horse out of stubbornness, not wanting to admit it was over, and wanting to make things work for our sons sake. I regret that the two of us wasted several years of our lives being miserable.

I do not regret living with my ex. I do, however, kick myself for putting myself through the last few desperately unhappy years and wish I could go back and give myself a darn good shake. I seemed to be hooked on the suffering, in a bizarre way, and convinced myself that an awful relationship 'wasn't THAT bad' and that it would get better again. It didn't. I wish I'd had the courage to leave much sooner. I was depressed, binge eating, crying all the time - for the last couple of years. He was mostly refusing to talk about any issues or when he did, everything was my fault. There were added complications for me too - I lived in his house, and we ran a business together. We still run a business together despite it being a very nasty break up in the end - business is business, life is life. Don't be distracted by things like the family business etc - you may be able to continue. If not, so? Get another job in time. You won't be left out on the streets to starve.

You sound utterly miserable.

Yes, yes and yes. I lived like this too - thankfully only for 9 months, but it was long enough. I'm so much happier now, I only wish that I'd left sooner. And you'll hear the same thing from anyone who leaves a situation as bad as mine (or ostrichnomore's). Life is short, and we only get one go at it!

All the best, OP. Keep us posted xxx

zabi89

I can't think of anything else other that couple counseling. I wish you the best with your relationship!

Prothet_of_Doom

Too much analysis and not enough fun perhaps ?