Alternatives to couple counselling

Kayalana99

paulineb wrote: »

I spent *2 years with someone who refused to talk about any issues, no matter how bad they got. The relationship just ended as a mass of simmering resentment and apparently everything was all my fault and he was blameless.

This is me all over. We argued constantly and he always made it out to be my fault.

Long story short we both have new partners and I never argue with my OH (well we have tiffs but not full on screaming fights )...but my OH overheard a argument with the ex and his new partner and her words were the exact same as I had repeated the whole time I was with him 'Why are we arguing about this it doesn't even matter'

Some people will just never be happy.

I know it could be considered on same line as couples counselling but perhaps anger management might be a suggestion?(For him/you/both) Its hard to say without knowing you.

paulineb_2

I've read the thread you posted just before Christmas, your marriage sounds miserable and I bet the kids are being affected.

It doesn't sound like he'll change either. It takes courage to admit you aren't happy and more to get out of a miserable relationship but it can be done.

Counting_Pennies_2

Thanks all.


Discussions over Christmas he has mentioned he would like to try to sort this out, we have also both discussed the possibility of ending the relationship.
I am a firm believer in trying your hardest to make a relationship work before walking away.
We have had a very trying six years, the years before that were not fantastic I do still believe it is possible to make it work.
I don't work, we have a family business which I do work with, I am acutely aware of the upheaval splitting up will take, so for me I want to have explored every option before going down that route.


I thank everyone for their helpful suggestions, it is all rather tiring

ca55ie

There's no magic wand or easy answer I'm afraid Counting_Pennies.

As stated by others, each person takes from counselling as much or as little as they want. You can't change other people (thats up to them) but you can change how you react and how you allow them to make you feel.

I do think individual counselling might be useful for you. It will help you clarify what you do and don't like about your relationship, identify strategies to deal with the issues and give you belief and confidence in yourself to move into your future, how ever it works out.

paulineb_2

I think you have tried by all accounts. How do you think it's possible to make it work if he's so resistant to trying to sort things out?

I also think for your kids sake, far better to be out of a toxic home environment, because that's what it will be and perhaps be financially worse off than be in the middle of a home life where people are either shouting or not speaking.

If there's resentment, that's a massive emotion to try and sort out. Personally, I think some relationships break down to the point that there's no way resolving matters is possible and going from what you've posted here and elsewhere, I think you've got an uphill struggle on your hands.

Mirno

Have you asked him what he thinks you (the couple) need to do to sort things out?
Is he the sort of person who likes to deal with things on their own? If so has he had time on his own to sort things out in his head? One or two nights in a cheap hotel maybe? (There's not a lot to do in cheap hotels on your own other than think!).

If you fight at home, find somewhere neutral where you can talk that you both agree on. Give yourselves time beforehand apart (not necessarily properly apart, but far enough that you don't worry about the other interrupting you) with the express purpose of deciding what you want. Make sure you write it down, then rewrite it once you've calmed down (the first revision will be too emotionally loaded). Also decide what your limits are - if the other can't commit X you'll walk away.
Then when you talk it through do it as calmly as you can, and let each other say what they want. At the end compare to your list of limits and you both make the choice - together.

Whatever decision you reach give each other a hug at the end. Break ups are always personal, but you've loved each other for a long time.

ostrichnomore_2

Life's too flipping short to spend it all being miserable.

All relationships have difficult times to get through. It isn't meant to be a permanent state of affairs.

I'm not coming at this from a totally dispassionate point of view. In the past I had the same mind-set as you. That you keep trying and work and work and work to make a less than ideal relationship work, after all, you committed to each other, and at the start it was fine...you just got to get back to how things were. But you can't turn back the clock and you only have the relationship as it is right now to live with. How is it going to change? You wanting it to change, won't make it happen.

I do not regret having been married. There are lots of positive things that came from that marriage. I do, however, deeply regret the last few years of that marriage when we were clearly flogging a dead horse out of stubbornness, not wanting to admit it was over, and wanting to make things work for our sons sake. I regret that the two of us wasted several years of our lives being miserable.

I do not regret living with my ex. I do, however, kick myself for putting myself through the last few desperately unhappy years and wish I could go back and give myself a darn good shake. I seemed to be hooked on the suffering, in a bizarre way, and convinced myself that an awful relationship 'wasn't THAT bad' and that it would get better again. It didn't. I wish I'd had the courage to leave much sooner. I was depressed, binge eating, crying all the time - for the last couple of years. He was mostly refusing to talk about any issues or when he did, everything was my fault. There were added complications for me too - I lived in his house, and we ran a business together. We still run a business together despite it being a very nasty break up in the end - business is business, life is life. Don't be distracted by things like the family business etc - you may be able to continue. If not, so? Get another job in time. You won't be left out on the streets to starve.

You sound utterly miserable.

Mojisola

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I am a firm believer in trying your hardest to make a relationship work before walking away.

We have had a very trying six years, the years before that were not fantastic

I do still believe it is possible to make it work.

I believe relationships sometimes need to be worked on but six bad years after others that weren't good?:(

I thought I was an optimist but if you still think this relationship is going to become a good one, you're definitely much more of an optimist than I am.

A relationship can only improve if both people work at it or if the one who isn't happy accepts the status quo and becomes resigned to it.

Savvy_Sue

If you're still suffering from depression, then I would look at getting that treated, whether that's through talking therapies or medication from your GP.

Taking decisions when your head is in a black cloud isn't a great idea.

Then, or as well, I'd invest in this book: How to improve your marriage without talking about it.

I have no idea if it will help or not, but it's got to be worth a try.

Racheldevon

You asked for alternatives -family (systemic) psychotherapy would be one option & is available on the NHS, although the criteria for your local service would depend on how easily you can access this. A lot of family therapists also work for charities and local organisations so can be accessed in this way.

You could also consider family meditation services local to you