Alternatives to couple counselling

Counting_Pennies_2

I wonder if you can help.


I have come to several crunch points over my marriage, these last few years especially.


Last year I managed to convince DH to come to couple counselling with me. It was enormously stressful, we only managed two sessions. DH was extremely hostile to the idea of it all, then turned all the issues raised as my issues and that he did not see his involvement in my issues but was happy to support me through gritted teeth by sitting in the counselling sessions to help me out.


We have come to another crunch moment. I am numb with it all to be honest, and really do need us to try to work things out as I think alternatives will need to be looked in to if we can't sort out the hostile environment we regularly live in.


I am wondering if there are alternatives to couple counselling. DH really is not willing to attend, I am going to go to counselling for myself as I think it will help me, but that is an aside, I really need us to find a way of communicating with one another better and being a support instead of the enemy.


Has anyone been able to find a solution?


Many thanks

Tiddlywinks

So, do you communicate at all as a couple?

What is his objection to counselling?

Does he agree that there is a problem with the relationship or is he happy with the way things are?

What would he be comfortable doing to help improve things?

Realistically, without communication, there isn't much hope of making it through.

Person_one

Unfortunately, you can't force somebody else to put in the same amount of thought and effort as you are.

Would he consider individual counselling too, both of you going separately?

Does he still think all your problems are only your fault? It may be a case of looking after yourself first and foremost and then seeing where that leaves things between you and how you both feel a few months down the line.

Best of luck, you are to be commended for trying so hard despite getting no support.

Counting_Pennies_2

We are dreadful at dealing with our issues.

I find he will happily bumble along, and be oblivious to any issues.

We have had many a stressful moment along the 15 or so years we have been together.

Many of the key moments in life that you have to look back and remember are tinged by badly managing expectations.

Love and support seem to mean different things to one another.

I am so numb that it is difficult for me to articulate it all at the moment.

DH has regularly stated throughout our relationship he would sooner divorce than go for counselling. Last year when I convinced him to attend couples counselling, he felt early on the solution would be for me to get away for a while so paid for me to travel half way across the globe to stay for a week with a friend, that conveniently halted the counselling sessions and it just pushed everything under the carpet again.

My big issue is nothing ever gets resolved. Hurt layers upon hurt, and we need to find a better way of communicating and getting over hurdles.

We seem to work best at emailing one another than having a fierce face to face row, as it gets to point scoring. Although the emails just seem to end up going round in circles of how much the other has been hurt then the odd threat.

I might find I make a break through only to find the next day we are in the same amount of hatred and disappointment as the day before.
Often this happens during a time of acute stress, but never gets resolved, so just sits there like a huge elephant in the room.

We can go through a week without a row and then row for weeks on end. This last one has lasted the longest over several weeks and no resolution in sight.

paulineb_2

Can I just say that one of you might be bad at dealing with your issues and the other one has to accept that the first person doesn't communicate well?

I spent 7 years with someone who refused to talk about any issues, no matter how bad they got. The relationship just ended as a mass of simmering resentment and apparently everything was all my fault and he was blameless.

We didn't have counselling, I left. I just think that it's very possible that you both naturally deal with things differently, you might want to talk, he wants to sweep everything under the carpet and because he won't communicate you just end up bashing your head off a brick wall.

I could be totally wrong, but from my own experience its very tough being in a relationship where one person doesn't do emotions, that was my life, might be different for you, but a lot of what you said above, I could identify with.

*max*

If it is that much work, is it even worth keeping?

Tenyearstogo

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

We are dreadful at dealing with our issues.

I find he will happily bumble along, and be oblivious to any issues.

DH has regularly stated throughout our relationship he would sooner divorce than go for counselling.

My big issue is nothing ever gets resolved. Hurt layers upon hurt, and we need to find a better way of communicating and getting over hurdles.
We can go through a week without a row and then row for weeks on end. This last one has lasted the longest over several weeks and no resolution in sight.

If you row for weeks at a time, he can't be oblivious to any issues. He'll know they are going on.

The thing that jumps out at me is that he regularly mention divorce rather than counselling. I don't understand why this would be a regular topic of conversation if he is oblivious.

What do you row about? Who initiates the row?

bagpussbear

*max* wrote: »

If it is that much work, is it even worth keeping?

I agree with this. Two things from your post stood out for me 1) that he would rather divorce than have counselling and 2) you mention "hatred" - that's not an emotion that should exist in a marriage/partnership at all.

Sounds like you are banging your head against a brick wall and I wonder if you are trying to salvage something which already died a while back, I'm sorry to say

In your shoes, and given all the effort you've tried to sort things with him, I would be asking for a trial separation for a time - will either kick him into reality a little and realise he needs/wants you, or will go the other way and he doesn't want to go back to the relationship at all (or indeed you may decide its better that way too).

opinions4u

Individual counselling. For both of you.

This could in time lead to a more constructive joint counselling arrangement. Although it could also convince either party to move on.

I tried sole counselling to try and fix things when Mrs o4u refused to attend joint. While it helped me and my self esteem it was virtually impossible to improve the marriage alone.

It takes two. If he won't play, what's in it for you?

Seanymph

I'm really not a fan of counselling for couples - I have done it several times, and ended up spending money and not really getting anywhere.

the problem is if someone is being unreasonable it doesn't TELL that person they are being unreasonable, it just gives them a platform to spout their rubbish openly and you have to respond as if it's the most reasonable thing in the world.

You seem to want to think you can 'fix' this - well, sitting in a room once a week with someone who says 'mmmm' and how does him saying that make you fell mrs xxx' isn't going to suddenly change your husband into a communicative being.

Why are you so desperate to 'fix' it?

Are you dependent upon his salary? his friends? Are you isolated?

I flinched at your mention of 'hatred and disappointment' - that is not a healthy atmosphere to live in, and I certainly have much greater expectations from my life partner.

Why do you allow yourself that to live in and feel it's down to you to make it better? If he isn't interested in fixing it for you both why are you taking on responsibility for it?

How about telling him it's broken and stepping back - give him six months, set up an exit plan (bank account, change bills into your name if necessary, close joint credit etc) - and if in six months you still dont' feel comfortable in your own home then give yourself permission to live somewhere you can be happy.

Don't blame him, or point out his shortcomings - just say 'I cannot live in an atmosphere were xxxxxx' - name whatever is wrong and then see if he has any interest in fixing it.

fluffnutter

The fact that he's so opposed to counselling leads me to believe that's precisely the thing that would help him the most. We fear things that might be painful - changing yourself for the better is not easy.