How to make small talk into a conversation

fluffnutter

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

In a public place... "can I get anyone a drink?"

In someone's home... "does anyone know where the loo is/where I can hang my coat/where our host/ess is..."

If you address your remarks generally, it will filter out those who are interested in striking up a proper conversation, and those who aren't.

It's really really difficult if you're no good at small talk to just address the room. Chances are you'll clear your throat a few times, try to catch the eye of someone but fail, pipe up your question in a querulous and squeaky tone only for it to fall on deaf ears because everyone's already chatting. Plus unless they think you're talking to them, they'll just let someone else respond. As someone who finds this sort of thing difficult and has tried all sorts, it's the worst thing you could do. You end up feeling a prize arse when no one answers.

Person_one

People mostly likely to talk about themselves or the things that interest them, if you give them an opportunity to do so and seem genuinely interested, you're up and running.

Having a few self deprecating but amusing anecdotes/one liners in reserve is useful. People relax if you can make them laugh and also reassure them you aren't judging them in any way.

I talk to strangers for a living and as part of several hobbies so I probably enjoy it more than most, seems I'm a bit odd from this thread!

Lunar_Eclipse

I recommend changing the wording of your small talk. It has to be open ended if your goal is to start a conversation. Commenting on something such as someone's dress can't do this comfortably. I've been thinking through potential reply options beyond 'oh thank you' and can only really think of 'thanks, i've had it for years.' or 'thank you it was such a bargain' which in all probability isn't what strangers are likely to reply with, and it's a closed conversation since it wasn't open to begin with.

So, if you want to stick to this type of topic, you could say something like 'I really like your dress and need a new one for a party next week. If you were in my shoes, where would you start looking?' Or if you like a hairstyle ask if they have a hairdresser they recommend and local hairdressers. etc etc.

I tend to avoid these types of conversations with people I barely know though. They are what I would do with good friends.

With people I don't know (very well), I'd keep the conversation impersonal. For example, at this time of year, conversation starters based around people's holiday plans (Xmas/NY leading on to next year etc) and gifts/Xmas shopping and special meals/entertainment plans work well. As the conversation progresses, I might ask someone what is on their teenage daughter's wish list for example, since I have a teenage daughter.

As an ice breaker, I find 'so how do you know Mike and Nicola' (insert hosts names) also works really well. I'm genuinely interested in getting to know people and the dynamics of the situation I'm in.

One thing I used to do for dinner parties specifically (drink parties are much easier 'caus you can physically move around, get a drink, dance etc) was to think about 3 subject areas that I could bring up and chat about ... a bit like your small talk questions.

Sometimes it's just really hard work though and all you can do is keep trying and smiling!

fluffnutter

Person_one wrote: »

People mostly likely to talk about themselves or the things that interest them, if you give them an opportunity to do so and seem genuinely interested, you're up and running.

Having a few self deprecating but amusing anecdotes/one liners in reserve is useful. People relax if you can make them laugh and also reassure them you aren't judging them in any way.

Couldn't agree more. Self-deprecation always breaks the ice even if you're lying . If someone says they're a nurse then 'ooh I'm useless with blood - I'd pass out, I really admire people who can do all that' makes them feel good about their job and makes you seem a nice person. Win win. Even if you're so good with blood you're practically a vampire and you hate nurses with a vengeance

Lunar_Eclipse

Person_one wrote: »

People mostly likely to talk about themselves or the things that interest them, if you give them an opportunity to do so and seem genuinely interested, you're up and running.

Having a few self deprecating but amusing anecdotes/one liners in reserve is useful. People relax if you can make them laugh and also reassure them you aren't judging them in any way.

I talk to strangers for a living and as part of several hobbies so I probably enjoy it more than most, seems I'm a bit odd from this thread!

I really enjoy it too, though I know plenty of people who don't. I think we're in the fortunate minority in not finding it difficult. I've always been fairly outgoing and chatty; boring lessons at school helped me develop this skill!

Mrs_Boo_Boo

I find this hard too and although I talk to people at work it's more of a captive audience. I think lots of people struggle with this,but don't blame yourself as other people have said it's a two way process. Had that silent moment on New Year's Eve from someone who is a company director. thought he might've been a bit better at this considering his job,but obviously not or he din't think us worthy. Oh well.
Perhaps you could practice with someone who doesn't find it so difficult?

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

Couldn't agree more. Self-deprecation always breaks the ice even if you're lying . If someone says they're a nurse then 'ooh I'm useless with blood - I'd pass out, I really admire people who can do all that' makes them feel good about their job and makes you seem a nice person. Win win. Even if you're so good with blood you're practically a vampire and you hate nurses with a vengeance

Which I hope you don't!

I've always found that telling my 'unlucky in love' comedy dating stories puts women at ease. I don't mind looking daft for the sake of a bit of social lubricant, although maybe that's why I never pull at these things...

*max*

Mrs_Boo_Boo wrote: »

I find this hard too and although I talk to people at work it's more of a captive audience. I think lots of people struggle with this,but don't blame yourself as other people have said it's a two way process. Had that silent moment on New Year's Eve from someone who is a company director. thought he might've been a bit better at this considering his job,but obviously not or he din't think us worthy. Oh well.
Perhaps you could practice with someone who doesn't find it so difficult?

Oh the dreaded silence after a question/answer...where you smile inanely at each other whilst a storm of panic is going off inside your brain, trying to think what to say next and the seconds feel like hours...then you "fake spot" a friend across the room, wave, excuse yourself and make a bee line for the toilets, where you hide until you can reasonably come out...and do it all over again.

I'm super sociable, as you can tell.

fluffnutter

Person_one wrote: »

Which I hope you don't!

I've always found that telling my 'unlucky in love' comedy dating stories puts women at ease. I don't mind looking daft for the sake of a bit of social lubricant, although maybe that's why I never pull at these things...

Tell the stories to the men instead

Person_one

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I really enjoy it too, though I know plenty of people who don't. I think we're in the fortunate minority in not finding it difficult. I've always been fairly outgoing and chatty; boring lessons at school helped me develop this skill!

Too much chatting was the only thing I ever got in trouble for at school!

(Well, skirt length, but that all the girls and I think it probably still is!)