Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

Buffythedebtslayer

Love you SA, think you are quite amazing in many ways and am so glad you are my friend XX

NoOneAround

Hi Buffy,
haven't logged on since before the weekend, sorry you have been down, I understand depression, siblings have had it (both teachers) ..... I have withdrawn from a lot of RL friends - I put on my happy cheery face and make chit chat when I have to, but inner thoughts go on here. Only talk properly to a couple of close ones , but even they don't know.
Keep going you are doing so well.
xx

StressedSteph

Hi Buffy,


So sad to hear you are struggling, I often feel how you have been describing, I think we as women are far too hard on ourselves.


I looked on Am2zon and you can buy light therapy boxes, cheapest is around £35 , but if you think its SAD it might be worth it. You could have it shining on you while you mark papers and prep for work.


Don't be too hard on yourself, wish you were nearer for a hug but you will have to make do with a dodgy MSE hug :grouphug:.


Maybe try to get out in the fresh air once a day, might help a little. xxxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Thanks Steph and NOA XXX


I was really looking forward to tomorrow - nothing planned, was going to have a lie my first since September and breakfast in bed etc.


So mum in her wisdom has booked the man to look at the shower. She said oh it's ok, you can stay in your room. He is coming at
9.45.


What? like a child? and in ANY case the house is so small, it would be REALLY weird and not relaxing. I had planned a late breakfast and a dressing gown situation. but no. must be up and dressed.


So my nice chilled out Saturday is down the drain. have to get up and tidy up etc. might go out. sod it.


Sorry, I appreciate everyone has to get up cos they have kids etc and I choose to work six days a week and on Sunday have to get up for the dogs.


I just can't believe it. I feel horrible typing it but sometimes living here is so !!!!ing difficult.


I literally feel like crying. which is ridiculous but I have been looking forward to it all WEEK. Went to the vets tonight so I wouldn't have to go tomorrow.


am tired and emotional. have to feel better later.


XXX

mothernerd

Hi Buffy, commiserations on the loss of a lie-in - it's not trivial. it was keeping you going through the week and now it's been taken away. Have a little cry if you want to, it might make you feel better to let it out, I sometimes deliberately watch a 'weepie' film for the same reason.

My DS2 and my mother are both driving me up the wall atm. DS2 was renting my old house, got a new job and moved out four weeks ago except his furniture, about half his clothes and loads of other stuff is just lying around like he walked out this morning. Phoned him this week and he may sort it this weekend, but probably next. No chance of getting rid of the 'smoke stink' (was one thing I said was forbidden in the house) until the upholstered stuff is out.

DS3 and I are waiting to move in,then I can hand over the keys to this to the Estate Agent. However, after months of physiotherapy was diagnosed on August 5th as having severe arthritis in right hip, told not to walk and referred for a surgical consult. Limbo land for 8 weeks then surgeon said on October 6th I could have a new hip (so bad there is nothing else they can do, despite only being 56). Was told waiting list was 2 - 3 months but this week (training session on how to get in and out of bed and what am not allowed to do after the op) the date November 6th came up.

Need to get DS2's stuff out, new boiler fitted, house de-smoked, mine and DS3's stuff moved in, after op equipment delivered, advice on possible benefits (not eligible for SSP, self-employed but negative income for the year as not allowed to carry and struggling to visit customers, no savings, DS3 also self-employed with small earnings therefore can't sign on) and house up for sale. Had phone call today from occupational therapists about possibly delaying op for a few weeks as they were worried about me (couldn't even tell them which house I was going to be in).

Have struggled all year doing things to get the house up for sale (not been able to stand up at times) so we can find something that suits me and my mother if/ when anything happens to her partner then last week mum turned round and said her partner's house could be 'made nice'. No it's a hovel. Even his family know they will have to sell to a builder. He has taken her on nice holidays but refuses to spend on the house, doesn't believe in central heating or boilers (old fashioned electric immersion heater which breaks every six months). She's only recently got the toilet fixed, spent the last 7 years emptying a milk bottle cut in two to catch the drips. Black mould is creeping up all the walls, the kitchen and bathroom are in a narrow extension (my builder said it's the worst kitchen he has ever worked in), the stairs are a death-trap and guess who would get relegated to the tiny back bedroom with barely enough room for a single bed and a wardrobe. I'd also have to pay £5.20 in bus fares for doctor and shopping trips (2 buses, 2 different operators).

I will survive. I will bounce back. But I will never live in the hovel.

So keep going Buffy, you are doing well. Punching the pillow sometimes helps, as well. DS2 recommended a computer game where you filled a skip with all the people you had killed, but didn't feel it was really me. Laughter helps, so write a list of things that make you laugh/ cry/ feel good - it's so easy to lose sight of them when everything turns blue/ black or grey. More ideas if you want them.

I just keep hoping the Karma police are watching because i am way overdue for something good to happen.

in_need_of_direction

You get an extra hour to sleep Saturday night.

Buffythedebtslayer

Oh Mothernerd, please do not move in with your mum - am sure you won't actually but it doesn't sound like it can be made good at all. especially recovering from an op. So you have sort yourself a house basically next week? How will that work? DS2 must pull his finger out. You need the op and recovery in comfort!




After my previous post I went to bed. The realisation that I had had about 4 hours sleep Wed night and 4 last night and two frees, working each evening till one this week explains how and why I am feeling so bad. I cannot keep working like this. I was so looking forward to having tomorrow "off" I have reached desperation point. After a few hours sleep I do feel better, I know it was childish of me but sleep deprivation and stress do funny things to a girl!


XX

Buffythedebtslayer

In other news the vet has cost me a lot this week. 50 quid on Monday and 128 tonight.


I know most people wouldn't bother over just a guinea pig but if there is a chance she could get better well I have to take it. I think to be honest I need to find a cheaper vet and perhaps one that is more into small animals.




I have paid the money out of my savings which limits fish tank and lap topness but shall see what I can add from this month's wages.


XXX

mothernerd

Don't worry Buffy. I have no intention of agreeing to anything I don't want to do. Will go through again all the reasons her partner's house is totally unsuitable, when I have the time to do it, possibly using his grand-daughters to back me up.

If I can sell this house (4 bed) I will have enough to pay off my debts and buy one or possibly 2 student 'pods' - this should give me enough income to live on, anything I make from my business would be a bonus (it's a just keeping going business not a make my fortune type business). Not been well for a long time and struggled with depression, especially since my brother died 7 years ago.

Mum can 'house hunt' as much as she wants, but I am not moving anywhere I think is unsuitable/ unsustainable. I think she should have put her foot down and insisted on moving when she saw a house she loved a few years ago (been with partner 17 years now). her partner went along with it then did an about-face and said his house would see him out. Now that he has Alzheimers it would be cruel to force him to move - he's anxious to get home after a meal at one of his children's houses.

Think mum is also getting wary of moving and she is very wrapped up in her partner's family. I don't know how much this would continue after his death. The twin grand-daughters who do most for them now see her as their grandmother - his wife died before they were born but whether the other children and grandchildren would keep up the relationship, I don't know.

There is also the problem that if she bought his house, they would continue to treat it as their family home and come in and out as they please (they all have keys). Obviously I would like her to pay some attention to her own grandchildren sometime, as we have been sidelined for many years.

She may even die first, as she has recently been hospitalised for three weeks with an illness that is made worse by stress. I was hoping this would be a wake up call to his other sons and daughters (twin's father does most) to see how he is deteriorating and how much she is doing for him and how it is affecting her. If not, then I that's something else I need to tackle but just sorting the lists of what I have to do for now.

Occupational therapist phoned me this afternoon to suggest I ask for the op to be put back a few weeks as I seemed to have a lot going on. I have booked the man to install the new boiler next Friday and if this house was at the point where I could hand it over to the Estate Agent that would be another weight off my mind. Will see how much I can sort out over the weekend and make a decision on Monday. Once I have had the operation, things are tricky for about three months but after that I should be far better than I am now and should continue to improve thereafter.

Sleep well Buffy and if you can grab something suitable for breakfast, hide in your room and sleep some more.

please-let-me-be-lucky

Buffy and motherned, I hope you both feel better today.

Mothernerd, I'd be tempted to tell your DS that you will phone the charity shop to come collect all his stuff if he doesn't get a wriggle on and get it himself!!!

Buffy, can you not get insurance for little animals like you can for cats and dogs? Probably not, just a thought Xx