Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

FBaby

So do you have to answer every question a child asks or you are a liar? I don't think children have an absolute right to a full answer on any question they can think of.

I think deciding what we should discuss/tell our children and what we keep them from is one of the most difficult decision a parent can make. I didn't tell my DD either when she had a lump removed and tested for potential cancer. She was 12. I don't think she was ready to take it in before the results and I didn't see the point as if negative, the issue would go away for good. We did discuss it afterwards though and I explained why I didn't tell her before.

I understand some of you may wish to spoil your children and in the wrong way of spoiling them (all be it slightly spoilt) .

You are way to affected by your own situation to accept that not all pwcs are like yours. I strongly believe in teaching my children they can't have all they want. That is exactly why we discuss matters of finance. I could afford to spoil them rotten but I strongly believe that this is very damaging. It must work because they don't ask for much. However, paying maintenance is about being responsible towards your children and doesn't have to result in children being spoilt.

duchy

silvercar wrote: »

So kid then asks Dad for a clothes allowance. If Dad decides to give some money from the new household budget that is not fair on Mum who should be deciding whether kid gets a clothes allowance and should have first call on any money Dad is providing.

You don't know that . YOU might feel that way but in this instance where Mum is earning and managing she may take the more pragmatic view that it is a good thing that Dad is contributing *something* to his daughter's support.....rather than the current nothing at all !

mumps

duchy wrote: »

I'm not sure why you think lack of income would be directly attributable to parents drinking -My parents worked hard and neither of them drank but money was often tight but if I wanted something they couldn't afford they always accorded me the courtesy of explaining why I couldn't have it -whether it was "It's not worth the money" or "we simply can't afford it" never just a blanket "NO".

It often is directly attributable to drinking or gambling or drug taking. Not always of course but not uncommon.

When explaining lack of money did your mother ever feel it necessary to say it was because your father didn't earn enough? Or didn't do enough overtime? Did your father say the same about your mother? Your parents explanation "It's not worth the money" was enough. In this case the mother doesn't have to say its because dad doesn't work. In fact if she does buy the child clothes, which I am sure she does, she could say, "I will look at finances and work out an allowance for you." She could given an allowance without saying what the source is or she could say she will give her part of her child benefit.

Lots of alternatives that don't involve her discussing her financial arrangements with dad, which might be much more complicated than we know, a friend of mine had a clean break with her taking the house, which had an awful lot of equity, rather than splitting the house and having money for the kids. She could have honestly said to her children that he wasn't paying any child maintenance but it wouldn't really have been honest. She actually did well out of it but I think she liked the idea even if it was a bit worse deal for her because she knew just where she stood. I don't think this happens so much now because of CSA.

I'm off now for a weekend break so have fun.

FBaby

DUTR wrote: »

Yes it is enough, he has other commitments, what if he was living on the streets? ( I know he isn't) your comments seem to read that the ex has no right to move on with life just as the OP can / did, like you say in one family's eyes he is a loser, in the other he is a star, and sadly that is the way it will always be.

Ok, I assume you would support my decision to cut down on my hours because I don't have enough social time and want to move on from totally dedicating everything to my children and that as a result, it is perfectly acceptable that my ex should start to pay a hefty maintenance because of my right to move on with my life. Oh and I expect him to tell my children that it is ok that he has to work extra hours and can't see them as often as a result because I have every right to move on? Come on....

Pollycat

Silvercar
I'm not quite sure where this quote came from as you posted it just like this (post #360):

"Your Dad doesn't pay any maintenance" and a direction to talk to him if she wants to know more would be sufficient.

silvercar wrote: »

So kid then asks Dad for a clothes allowance. If Dad decides to give some money from the new household budget that is not fair on Mum who should be deciding whether kid gets a clothes allowance and should have first call on any money Dad is providing.

But your reply has twisted what was posted.

The quote says
"your dad doesn't pay any maintenance" and suggests the child talks to him.
It doesn't say "you can't have a clothes allowance so ask your Dad if he will give you one".

mumps

FBaby wrote: »

I think deciding what we should discuss/tell our children and what we keep them from is one of the most difficult decision a parent can make. I didn't tell my DD either when she had a lump removed and tested for potential cancer. She was 12. I don't think she was ready to take it in before the results and I didn't see the point as if negative, the issue would go away for good. We did discuss it afterwards though and I explained why I didn't tell her before.

It is a terrible situation, obviously my daughter was younger so the full explanations were along time later and to be honest she wasn't really interested as it was a distant memory. I think it felt like it had happened to someone else. We did laugh about some of the things she remembered like screaming so loud in recovery that the nurse had to shout at her and I was rushed in to deal with her. I think she put the fear of God into several poor people who were coming round after ops.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

I think that came up due to SDW's posts. A few of us remember on other threads that she so against lying she wouldn't tell a child their artwork was good if it wasn't, or something similar.

The seeming contradiction took us down the 'strict honesty' road. Although I do believe personally that 12 is old enough to deserve an honest answer for most things. If a 12 year old had a tumour I wouldn't announce 'you might die' out of the blue but if they asked if dying was a possibility I would say yes and talk about how that made them feel, answer questions etc.

I don't think I ever said that?? In that scenario I would say 'oh that is wonderful' or some such (which does NOT mean it is going to be hanging in the Louvre any time soon)

I just don't think children need know ALL the gory details of the truth. You tell them the truth about what they need to know. In this case, unless a direct question is asked, I don't think she needs to know that her father has chosen his other two children over her, nor that he made a conscious decision to give up work when he knew it meant he would not be able to pay for her.

Just 'there is no clothing allowance' should suffice unless she specifically asks 'does dad pay for me' when she can be told, no, he doesn't because he does not have a job and that if she needs further information to ask him.

Mojisola

silvercar wrote: »

So kid then asks Dad for a clothes allowance. If Dad decides to give some money from the new household budget that is not fair on Mum who should be deciding whether kid gets a clothes allowance and should have first call on any money Dad is providing.

Again, it wouldn't be the Mum who would be responsible for the situation, it's the Dad!

It wouldn't be fair on her but, if that happened, she can discuss with the daughter what kind of clothes the money has to be spent on and could make savings from the family budget.

duchy

mumps wrote: »

It often is directly attributable to drinking or gambling or drug taking. Not always of course but not uncommon.

When explaining lack of money did your mother ever feel it necessary to say it was because your father didn't earn enough? Or didn't do enough overtime? Did your father say the same about your mother? Your parents explanation "It's not worth the money" was enough. In this case the mother doesn't have to say its because dad doesn't work. In fact if she does buy the child clothes, which I am sure she does, she could say, "I will look at finances and work out an allowance for you." She could given an allowance without saying what the source is or she could say she will give her part of her child benefit.

Lots of alternatives that don't involve her discussing her financial arrangements with dad, which might be much more complicated than we know, a friend of mine had a clean break with her taking the house, which had an awful lot of equity, rather than splitting the house and having money for the kids. She could have honestly said to her children that he wasn't paying any child maintenance but it wouldn't really have been honest. She actually did well out of it but I think she liked the idea even if it was a bit worse deal for her because she knew just where she stood. I don't think this happens so much now because of CSA.

I'm off now for a weekend break so have fun.

So you assume that most families in poverty can be directly attributed to drinking, gambling or drug taking-Good grief what planet do you live on ??????

As for my parents- and what they said - despite being poor they were always entirely respectful of each other and worked as a team -a concept you appear to be unfamiliar with within marriage.

What your friend told you she did and and how you interpret it and what you think about it has no relevence to the topic in hand-yet another entirely unrelated situation.

Enjoy your break watch out for those drinking, gambling , drug taking families crawling in poverty on your travels and try not to trip over too many assumed DM stereotypes as you go !!

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I don't think I ever said that?? In that scenario I would say 'oh that is wonderful' or some such (which does NOT mean it is going to be hanging in the Louvre any time soon)

I just don't think children need know ALL the gory details of the truth. You tell them the truth about what they need to know. In this case, unless a direct question is asked, I don't think she needs to know that her father has chosen his other two children over her, nor that he made a conscious decision to give up work when he knew it meant he would not be able to pay for her.

Just 'there is no clothing allowance' should suffice unless she specifically asks 'does dad pay for me' when she can be told, no, he doesn't because he does not have a job and that if she needs further information to ask him.

Would you offer any explanation as to why mum is suddenly working all hours and missing birthdays?