Partner been violent, can he be kept away from the home advice please

mildredalien

There's no need to condemn the husband entirely, but his behaviour cannot be ignored or excused in any way and there certainly shouldn't be any blame placed on your friend. No matter what is said or done, there is NO excuse for reacting with violence. If it is entirely out of character then she may want to speak to him in a safe place and try and discuss with him what happened and why, and perhaps speak to a professional about it. However for now it's important for her to feel safe. Definitely contact the domestic abuse unit and/or charities for advice and support on this.

paulineb_2

Indo77 wrote: »

Guy has had no traits of this at all over 10 years, suddenly has this crazed outburt. That suggests that something could be seriously wrong with his physical or mental health. Brain trauma of some kind? People should not judge a book by its cover, it's very easy to sit back in judgement of other people...

What do you mean by brain trauma?

Also, many people who have mental health problems don't slap their partners.

He's telling his family he did nothing wrong, doesn't sound like the actions of someone with a brain trauma.

I wonder how her young child is currently feeling.

LannieDuck

I was also wondering if there might be some sort of medical issue going on, if this sort of behaviour is completely out of character for him.

Idle_Jim

shopaholicjules wrote: »

Hi

Just wondering if anyone can help and has any advice.
My friend has been with her partner for over ten years with no problems and they have a nine year old son.
Last night for some unknown reason, well because she said no to seasoning the turkey, he got hold of her by the throat and also slapped her.
Her eldest son (18) heard what was happening and became angry, trying to stick up for his mum, her partner wasn't happy about this and threatened her son, this was out of character.
She felt very scared for her son so rang the Police who advised he go and stay with a family member for things to calm down.
My friend does not want him back in the house due to what has happened and not feeling she can trust that nothing will happen between him and her son.
From looking on the internet, we cannot find if she is legally able to stop him from returning home at present, she is going to speak to a Solicitor tomorrow but is trying to get some advice in case he comes home tonight.
At the moment, it seems his family are believing him when he is saying he has done nothing wrong which just isn't true. She is a private person and certainly wouldn't have rang the Police if she had of felt she had any other choice.

Any advice appreciated

Thanks

Hi there

If she doesn't want him back in the house there are a few steps others have alluded to. Lock the doors, don't give him access, and call the police if he does try to get in.

The fact that he's denying he did anything wrong is worrying. Is he lying to his family or does he actually believe it?

A next step is to speak to the police and make a complaint. They may want you to press charges, but might suggest having him spoken to by officers and handed an harassment warning (not really worth much legally speaking, but it should act as a shot across the bows and keep him away.

Another option, if he won't stay away and/or if she still feels threatened, is to apply to the courts for an ex parte application for a non-molestation order. A judge might grant a short term order banning the ex from the family home until a full hearing is heard. Recommend your friend seeks proper and professional legal advice though. This can be an expensive and arduous process.

Best of luck
Jim

lika_86

paulineb wrote: »

What do you mean by brain trauma?

Also, many people who have mental health problems don't slap their partners.

He's telling his family he did nothing wrong, doesn't sound like the actions of someone with a brain trauma.

I wonder how her young child is currently feeling.

I think there have been links shown between damage to areas such as the frontal lobe and aggressive behaviour. But it's not necessarily the first conclusion I'd jump to.

Bublin1

This is a case of Common Assault and if the victim wishes she can report it to the police. In fact police were called and they should have made an official report regardkess of whether or not it will be investigated. A child under 18 is in the household so a seperate report also goes on and automatically gets sent to Social Care (Social Services).

My question is....why were there only words of advice from the police? Did they attend the address? They should have and then given the victim a reference number.

How the victim proceeds is up to her but without an actual record of an offence obtaining an injunction will be very difficult.

paulineb_2

Voyager2002 wrote: »

She acted well by calling the police, removing him from the house and making it very clear that she would not accept this kind of behaviour. Victims of domestic violence generally do not respond as decisively when such behaviour begins, and suffer increasingly as it escalates.

In this case, what matters is what the man says to HER when next they meet. If he had never behaved like this before, then her strong response means that such behaviour is unlikely to become a pattern.

Do remember that we have only heard a fragment of the story, and have no idea what she said to him in the hours and minutes before he snapped. It has been observed since Biblical times that the tongue of a woman has the power to enrage any man past the limit of his self-control: a power that wise women use only with extreme care.

I agree we have heard a fragment of the story. But, speaking as someone who grew up in a home where domestic violence was the norm for two years. I had to listen to my mum get battered and beaten, that was in 1981 when there were little supports for women who were getting abused (Im also aware men are victims of domestic violence). It was my mums second marriage. He didnt start hitting her until they were married. She found out later that his first wife had divorced him on the grounds of mental cruelty, something that was very difficult to do in the 70s.

It was her home, but she couldnt get him to leave, she tried to, repeatedly, he wouldnt go and in those days the police viewed what was happening as a domestic. I believe he also forced himself on her sexually. He wasnt only physically abusive, he was mentally abusive as well.

She got him out in the end when she told her brother what was going on and he came up and got him to leave. Thankfully my mum recovered, other women and men arent so lucky. It can also be a tough thing to do to admit that you are being abused.

After my mum got out she set up an advice shop in the town with the support of womens aid. She helped women who left their partners and one young woman was killed by her ex partner because she had been moved to a safe location and the police gave her address out.

My point is, if you really think that its a womans tongue that sets a man off to violence or indeed vice versa, you have the most simplistic view of violence that Ive ever seen in my entire life. Its just another way of saying he/she was asking for it or deserved it or the person who was giving out the slap was goaded into it.

Im also aware that some people might be able to recover from an incident such as this with work on both sides, but the person who needs to do the bulk of the repairing is the person who thought it was acceptable to lift their hands to another person, in front of a young child because they were having an argument about turkey bloody seasoning.

Guest101

shopaholicjules wrote: »

Hi

Just wondering if anyone can help and has any advice.
My friend has been with her partner for over ten years with no problems and they have a nine year old son.
Last night for some unknown reason, well because she said no to seasoning the turkey, he got hold of her by the throat and also slapped her.
Her eldest son (18) heard what was happening and became angry, trying to stick up for his mum, her partner wasn't happy about this and threatened her son, this was out of character.
She felt very scared for her son so rang the Police who advised he go and stay with a family member for things to calm down.
My friend does not want him back in the house due to what has happened and not feeling she can trust that nothing will happen between him and her son.
From looking on the internet, we cannot find if she is legally able to stop him from returning home at present, she is going to speak to a Solicitor tomorrow but is trying to get some advice in case he comes home tonight.
At the moment, it seems his family are believing him when he is saying he has done nothing wrong which just isn't true. She is a private person and certainly wouldn't have rang the Police if she had of felt she had any other choice.

Any advice appreciated

Thanks

Purely from a legal point of view:

If it is her house, owned or rented, where he is not named, yes she can refuse entry.

If he owns or is a tenant then no she cannot.

A court can order this but that takes months. Even police bail, if he were arrested, would be unlikely to include such terms.

On a moral view:

This is out of character, and whilst not excusable, they should probably talk. 10 years is a long time

Filey

[QUOTE It has been observed since Biblical times that the tongue of a woman has the power to enrage any man past the limit of his self-control: a power that wise women use only with extreme care.[/QUOTE]

---

Can't believe you said this! In other words, shut up or I'll hit you.

A lot of things were done in Biblical times that are now illegal. How do you feel about stoning for adultery? For women that is.

Racheldevon

I work regularly with people who are experiencing domestic abuse.

She needs to call her local police station and ask to be put through the specialist domestic violence police officers team. They will meet with her and complete a risk identification checklist to review the current incident and any past history/risk factors. From this a decision will be made on appropriate support measures to put in place from specialist outreach support to support with housing and other issues, to pattern changing courses (if appropriate) or things like MARAC processes for high risk scores.