equal balance?

marisco_2

Have a relaxed chat about things with him and reach a compromise that you are both happy with. You seem to have reached a stage where you feel put upon and are resentful. If that comes across to him when you raise this subject, he may well feel cornered, nagged at and just clam up. End result is the stalemate you have currently will continue. If you want to be more equal then approach this as equals, put your side across and listen to his too.

Caz3121

A friend had this and sat down with hubby and stated that it was obvious that both working full time meant that it was difficult to get anything done so she gave him the options
1) Pay a cleaner to come in to do house/ironing etc
2) she moves to part time work to free up the time to do the extra required
3) he needs to find the time to do his share

he went with option 2 which worked for them

Dunroamin

marisco wrote: »

Have a relaxed chat about things with him and reach a compromise that you are both happy with. You seem to have reached a stage where you feel put upon and are resentful. If that comes across to him when you raise this subject, he may well feel cornered, nagged at and just clam up. End result is the stalemate you have currently will continue. If you want to be more equal then approach this as equals, put your side across and listen to his too.

Even if his side is "it's different for men"?

It takes two to compromise, otherwise it's just giving in.

meritaten

yeah - when YOU GO OUT men 'babysit', when they go out, well that's you being 'mum'! he needs re-educating. they are HIS children too and childcare is 'shared'. Good luck to you - its only now my OH is a grandpa he has realised this!

jackomdj

I never said this in my original reply, but when I first moved out of my parents and in with my ex he would never put his clothes in the laundry basket. So I happily washed everything in the laundry basket for a couple of weeks until he wondered why he had no clean clothes. It was difficult as I hated the mess.

Luckily my OH is probably cleaner than me and our house is always kept tidy (except the children's bedrooms and playroom which I get them to tidy every so often, but I just shut the door on that).

As others have said we are almost in 2014. It WAS different for men, back in the day when women did not work but stayed at home keeping house.

itsanne

loopyloouk wrote: »

Hi all,
Bit of a moan sorry, I broke up from work monday and I am back in tomorrow, my other half isnt he has until thursday off. How do you all split things?
For example, he has been out drinking and football 3 days this week and just presumes il be ok to have LO yet if I planned to have a night out etc I need to check hes free to watch her? Just doesnt seem fair, is this normal?
The housework etc is mainly done by me, he occasionally washes up but not regularly despite me cooking every night. We both work full time yet doesn't seem a great balance.
I have mentioned it before but he says its different for men.
How do you split it in your house im trying to make changes for the new yr.

Any advice peeps?

:eek: I'd laugh, but it would be hollow laughter.


As parents you are in a partnership. If one of you is out the other is looking after your child. Neither of you babysits - that's what people other than the parents do. Does your OH have much time where he is solely responsible for his daughter, both doing the routine things which need to be done and the more fun things? If not, having more time with her might help him think in terms other than babysitting.

As a couple living together you are also a partnership. Running your home is a joint responsibility. If your OH was living with a flatmate, he wouldn't expect or get away with leaving everything to him/her. Why should you be treated worse than someone who is only a flatmate? I bet the moving in together didn't go along the lines of "Shall we move in together? I'd really like you to become my unpaid servant. Your efforts will give me so much free time to play football, see my mates . . ." or "Shall we move in together? I love you so much I want to do everything for you. I'll spend all my time clearing up your mess, cooking, washing your smelly socks . . ."

OP, it sounds a bit as if you have accepted his answer until now. That will just have reinforced his attitude. Have you asked him how it is different for men? And why it is different for men? It would be interesting to hear his attempts at justification! You need to have a proper conversation about this, not just "mention" it and accept his excuses. Choose an appropriate time for the conversation, a time when neither of you is rushing off somewhere or your daughter is likely to need attention. Try not to let it become an argument - you know he doesn't want to hear what you're going to tell him, so you can anticipate that you might have to make an effort to stay calm.

Bennifred

loopyloouk wrote: »

Hi all,
.........................................................................
I have mentioned it before but he says its different for men.
.....................

:think::think: Does his willy get in the way?

Sorry to be crude, but that is just ridiculous! I'm afraid that some people (yep, both sexes) will take advantage if you let them. The trick is: don't let them!
If having a reasonable discussion doesn't resolve the matter then you'll have to make life a little less comfortable until he sees sense.

claire16c

Caz3121 wrote: »

A friend had this and sat down with hubby and stated that it was obvious that both working full time meant that it was difficult to get anything done so she gave him the options
1) Pay a cleaner to come in to do house/ironing etc
2) she moves to part time work to free up the time to do the extra required
3) he needs to find the time to do his share

he went with option 2 which worked for them

Glad it worked for them but this also shocks me. I mean seriously she worked part time just to get some house work done as he clearly didn't want to do it? I'd like to know if he would have been willing to go part time! How much housework are these people doing?!

This_Year

Caz3121 wrote: »

A friend had this and sat down with hubby and stated that it was obvious that both working full time meant that it was difficult to get anything done so she gave him the options
1) Pay a cleaner to come in to do house/ironing etc
2) she moves to part time work to free up the time to do the extra required
3) he needs to find the time to do his share

he went with option 2 which worked for them

thus reinforcing the idea that housework is women's work? I would have given him options 1 and 3 only.

That or go on strike myself! :rotfl:

maman

Caz3121 wrote: »

A friend had this and sat down with hubby and stated that it was obvious that both working full time meant that it was difficult to get anything done so she gave him the options
1) Pay a cleaner to come in to do house/ironing etc
2) she moves to part time work to free up the time to do the extra required
3) he needs to find the time to do his share

he went with option 2 which worked for them

claire16c wrote: »

Glad it worked for them but this also shocks me. I mean seriously she worked part time just to get some house work done as he clearly didn't want to do it? I'd like to know if he would have been willing to go part time! How much housework are these people doing?!

This_Year wrote: »

thus reinforcing the idea that housework is women's work? I would have given him options 1 and 3 only.

That or go on strike myself! :rotfl:

I'm glad I'm not the only one that found the going part-time unacceptable. If my DH had suggested that I compromise my career and reduce my income so that I could become a skivvy I'd have hit the roof. Plus I just can't imagine where all this housework comes from. If you're out all day working surely there can't be that much to do.