Time to change?

CH27

joansgirl wrote: »

I'm not really bitter, I don't want or expect anything in return but a text to say thanks would be nice. I was just using my situation to show the op that they're not alone in thinking some people are ungrateful/selfish.


I suppose it is very sad but it is what it is.

Is there no way you can be reconciled?

joansgirl

CH27 wrote: »

Is there no way you can be reconciled?

It is very, very complicated and somewhat delicate. Let's just say not while their father is still alive. Also the estrangement is for my own protection. There comes a point, unfortunately, when you've got to look after yourself.

CH27

joansgirl wrote: »

It is very, very complicated and somewhat delicate. Let's just say not while their father is still alive. Also the estrangement is for my own protection. There comes a point, unfortunately, when you've got to look after yourself.

Sorry if i've upset you by prying xx

Lequirk_2

Your relatives sound rather lacking in gratitude, but having said that, it is (debatably) still Christmas and they may yet send out their thank you letters/text messages etc?

If they do not thank you, then i would set my mind to not giving them anything next Christmas. Courtesy costs nothing, and they would certainly be both ungrateful and discourteous were they not to contact you to thank you.

Mrs_Imp

We posted a thank you letter first class on Boxing day, and it still hasn't arrived yet.

When we get money for our children we like to try and buy something with it so that we can thank the giver for the item.

There's still plenty of time.

KiKi

Hi OP

I think 'thank you' is always polite, even by text, so yes I think it's rude if they don't thank you - but I agree with the others: give them some time.

However (and I won't be popular for saying this)...whilst I think every gift deserves a thank you, I don't think that just putting the same amount of money in every single person's card is very thoughtful, either. If it was one or two kids who you don't see and have no idea what to get them, then fair enough. But to give every single adult and every single child the same thing could come across as you not being very bothered, especially when mum gets a chosen gift.

I always give my niece vouchers for clothes shops because I know that's what she finds most helpful (she has very little money so rarely buys clothes), but for everyone else I buy something. If I were to just stick cash in a wallet and send exactly the same thing to everyone, I'm sure they'd find it very thoughtless - to me it says "I can't be bothered to think about what to get you, and it's easier for me to do the same thing for everyone". That might not be your motivation, but it might come across that way. Don't use your distance as an excuse - you can post it all, or give it to a friend to take; and you'd probably save money buying gifts that are cheaper but mean something.

KiKi

jellyhead

To some people, giving everyone the same amount of money makes them feel that they are being fair.

My Gran always used to give money to the grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and I suppose it was a bit of a production line, putting a £20 note into around 25 cards, but she always chose the cards herself and read the verses inside and she wouldn't have felt right if she'd bought something personal for those she saw weekly, but didn't know what to buy for those she didn't see very often.

She showed her thoughtfulness in other ways, by knowing our favourite cakes, taking us on days out that we enjoyed and generally making us all feel loved.

My other Gran never gave money or vouchers because she thought they were heartless and impersonal. Even so, her way of buying things of equal value, and getting for example the same gift set for all of the teenagers, was similar in a way.

Us grandchildren and the great-grandchildren appreciated every present, and understood the thought process of each of our grandmas. I suppose there's a danger of people thinking you aren't thinking of them if they don't actually know them properly in real life.

joansgirl

CH27 wrote: »

Sorry if i've upset you by prying xx

Thanks CH27. I'm not upset, more angry at the situation to be honest. It's been going on for over 20 years now so I'm pretty resigned to it but I've also become increasingly cynical, usually with good cause. My eldest child (son) is not as mercenary as his brother and sister and I would dearly love a proper relationship with him but that cannot be achieved without him feeling disloyal to his father and siblings. I won't put him in that situation nor do I want to cut him off completely so sending cards and money is my way of keeping the lines of communication open a fraction. And I can't just send stuff to him because the others would resent it and him. He does send a Christmas card each year and texts me on birthdays, mothers day etc. But the other 2, nothing, ever. It's probably better this way because if we're not close then they can't hurt me as they have in the past.


The whole point of my post was that it wouldn't hurt them to say thank you. And now my 7 year old niece (husbands side of the family) is showing the early signs of ingratitude as well.

Turtle

We've never received a thank you for any birthday or Christmas money sent to two nephews who live several thousand miles away. I didn't want to stop sending it whilst the boys were young as it's not their fault their parents have no manners. However, they're plenty old enough to send a quick email now though, and still don't bother, so this year we've not bothered either.

I'll still send cards, but they won't be getting any more cash. I feel a bit guilty, and we're yet to see what, if any, fall out there is over our decision. It just really aggrieves me that we have no kids so this would never be a reciprocal thing, and I wouldn't be at all bothered if it was acknowledged. But it's not and we've sent them well over £1000 over the years they've lived away for not even a flicker of acknowledgement or even a birthday card in return.

fin7

My brothers partners kids (15 and 18 ) never thank me, a few years ago I caught the oldest one out, he was sending text messages saying thanks from his mums phone cause he had no credit, at the same time I had already had text messages off my brother saying he had dropped L off at his dad's an hour earlier and him and his partner were now chilling, this is at the same time L was supposed to be texting me off his mums phone.

I've told my brother I'm not happy about the fact that neither of them ever thank me, his attitude is that as they aren't his kids he can't say anything! Told him in future don't tell me the week before that it's their birthdays then!

Fin