Feel so sad - probably shouldn't

bagpussbear

I think you are justified to feel a little sad about the situation, think I would if I was in your shoes too.

Sounds like your dad treats you a bit different, for no clear reason.

What was your mum's reaction when you opened the Walnut Whips?

I think I would say that from now on, not to bother with presents.

I wonder if it's time to sit down with your dad for a bit of a heart to heart, if you think he'd be open to that?

Mojisola

stardoman wrote: »

My parents always do the Christmas presents when we go to their house, which was tonight. My dad looked really pleased when he handed me his present to me. It was a 3 pack of walnut whips, which I'm not that keen on. A couple of minutes later he gave my mum a large pack of Ferror Rocher which she doesn't like very much and are my favourite.

He always expects expensive presents from me (a couple of years ago he asked for something which was £90). This year he was hinting at a particular type of rum which is over £20 a bottle (which I bought for him among other things). Its not the cost, as he never spends much. I think what has upset me is that he looked so pleased with himself and its something I don't even like. A 3 pack of Ferror Rocher would cost the same and I would be pleased with that.

So he's pleased with himself when he gives you a cheap present of something you don't really like while he expects an expensive gift and tells you what to buy? If he wasn't your Dad, would you put up with this?

If you can't have a face-to-face chat about presents then there are a few options - next year tell him that you are setting a £20 (or whatever limit you want) on presents; if he tells you what he wants you to buy, have your own requests ready and tell him what you want; if the same happens as this year, as anamenottaken says, swap the present with your Mum.

As regards the money from your Gran - anamenottaken has it right again. Stop letting him control what you do with your life.

globetraveller

Give him a similar present next time. If you feel you can't, then still give him that but have the real one hidden to give later. Just see how he reacts and then hopefully he may get your point of view

C_Mababejive

How about just binning all that materialistic sh!te and just visiting for visitings sake?

missindecisive

op. forget the walnut whips. He is what he is, he won't change, you have to accept that.
By the way, all I got from my father was an email, wishing us happy xmas. The year before it was just a phonecall, grovelling for not buying the grandchildren presents. He's not poor, far from it, just thoughtless. Your not the only one who has to deal with relatives like this.

Pollycat

stardoman wrote: »

My dad looked really pleased when he handed me his present to me. It was a 3 pack of walnut whips, which I'm not that keen on. A couple of minutes later he gave my mum a large pack of Ferror Rocher which she doesn't like very much and are my favourite.

He always expects expensive presents from me (a couple of years ago he asked for something which was £90). This year he was hinting at a particular type of rum which is over £20 a bottle (which I bought for him among other things).

I assume this advice below is intended for the OP's Dad who seems happy to spend a couple of quid but expects presents costing £20 upwards.

C_Mababejive wrote: »

How about just binning all that materialistic sh!te and just visiting for visitings sake?

I think the OP has explained adequately that it's not the cost but the actual gift which she found upsetting.

stardoman wrote: »

Its not the cost, as he never spends much. I think what has upset me is that he looked so pleased with himself and its something I don't even like. A 3 pack of Ferror Rocher would cost the same and I would be pleased with that.

burnoutbabe

Very rarely does my DAD specifically buy me something unless I nag him to. Mum buys the gifts from both of them. thats normal isn't it?

So what did your parents get you for xmas?

Mupette

your dad gave your mum chocolates you like, does your mum like the walnut whips you like? is there some memory thing going on here.

move the materialistic thing to one side, easily remedied and just stick to one amount to spend and stick to it, if he asks for something in particular don't get it, you wont get hurt then.

there are people out there that assume that once their child reaches adulthood then they get nothing or small in price things,

been a while since my parents got me anything, but then again they live in France and during the year mum might see something for me and send it over, but they didn't get my son anything this year, he just turned 18, i want to ask them but i don't at the same time, son forgot (or couldn't be bothered) to send nan a birthday card and she said sod him, but in once sense she loves him dearly, was worried sick that a few days before chrimbo he was rushed to hospital very ill, he has a rare form of glandular fever that has caused liver damage.

has your dad's mindset changed over the years, small things that you might not have noticed to be out of character?

Pollycat

Mupette wrote: »

there are people out there that assume that once their child reaches adulthood then they get nothing or small in price things,

I think this may be pretty common.

I spend lots more on my niece and nephew than I do on their Mum (my sister) and my own Mum.
When they are adults, I'll probably even things up.

My Mum spends a lot more for Birthdays & Christmas on my sister than she does on me - that's perfectly OK with me as our financial situations are very different and Christmas is a way of Mum buying things for my sister that she needs.

stardoman

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

I have been wondering this morning if there could be a memory thing going on. He really looked pleased with himself. If he had got the presents the other way around I would have been happy.

My parents have always had completely separate money and so when I was growing up mum would buy the presents but then negotiate with dad so he contributed. But she got sick of doing this. Mum has always been less financially well off than my dad. Holidays and any other large spending become a negotiation.

I do think my dad is tight. I remember my mum begging him once for 60p so she could go to a dance in the local community centre. She did go in the end, but only after begging him.

In all other ways my dad is lovely. He's really helpful with my children and will collect them from school if I ask. Sometimes he offers as well. He has a much closer relationship with my children than he had with me. I think this is partly because I have boys and I am a girl, and partly because he worked long hours when I was growing up. He is a caring man.

Mum is 83 (much older than my dad who is 74). Shopping had been a bit much for her this year. After seeing my dad's present she slipped me £40 and said to buy myself something. I don't know why I felt upset because I'm not a very materialistic person and there is little that I wanted this year. I gave my mum the Walnut Whips.